Ruled By Fear

One of these days I'm gonna learn how to just let go, say "fuck it," and take a damn risk. One of these days...

Hopefully that day will be soon. I'm tired of being too scared to actually live and make my own mistakes. I usually learn from other people's mistakes which is good for me, but sometimes its good to learn on your own.



Although my fears aren't as extreme as the ones brought up in this song, I can definitely relate. I won't ever grow as a person if I'm in constant fear of trying. I'm tired of sitting around and watching life pass me by. I need to let go of my fears before they end up ruling me.

Reminiscing

Sometimes I feel like I have been missing out on life...

Looking at my yearbook and various pictures of people from high school makes me think, why the fuck was that not me? Not a jealousy thing, more like a, "How could I have gone through HS kept to myself and not making any lasting friendships?" thing. I honestly don't talk to anyone from HS and my life is going on just fine, I'm sure its the same for them. But then I look at other people and see that their HS friendships are still relevant to their lives. Wait, I hate comparing myself to others. Case dismissed...I just realized I was making a comparison EWW I don't do that lmao.

Looking back on all my friendships over my life, I've realized one thing. I always have that 1 friend and eventually that relationship gets too fucked up and it ends. It's a recurring cycle. Now in college, its not quite like that. I think because I live with these people, its harder to just dismiss them and go on about my life. In HS and JHS I went to school, did work, and went straight home. I didn't give myself a chance to make or keep friends...I was preoccupied. With what, I have no fucking clue. Sometimes I regret being like that but then I snap back and realize shit happens, life goes on. OH WELL. I'm good now, what's the point of looking back? But then that makes me think of one friendship...shit should I even go there?

Condensed version of this friendship: close friends for about 3 years, she was like a sister to me, we were complete opposites, she "couldn't handle my honesty" so our friendship ended, she dated my ex boyfriend. She was dead to me.

I sometimes wonder if she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing. Then I realize, why the fuck would she? I wasn't all that important obviously. But I sometimes wonder about her. I mean, we were close. I wonder if it would be worth it to contact her, would it be worth my time? I've grown since then and hopefully she has too. So it might not hurt to contact her. But then I think, why the hell should I be the one? I feel like that's a sign of weakness. I hate being vulnerable, HATE. Like seriously...its a serious issue of mine lol. But maybe, I'll see how I feel about it in a few days, after I have time to think about it.

Ugh, why the hell did I pick up my yearbook?

Just a Little Rant

I have quite a few things to rant about, so I'll run through them quickly.

1. I got my grades today and they surprised the hell out of me! Somehow I ended up with a 3.35 for the semester and 3.4 cumulative GPA. Crazy! And somehow I managed to get an A- in a class that I didn't hand in the final paper which was 20% of my grade. WTF? That professor must be crazy, or just really nice lol. Either way, I like my grades way more than I thought I would, so I'm content with that. I won't say I'm happy because I know there is definitely room for major improvements. I received my first low grade in college, a C+. This may not be a big deal to some students, but to me, its a sign that I wasn't on my A game this semester...I definitely need to get back on it next semester.

2. When faced with an issue, I've always been able to thoroughly think things through and make my choice according to what I think is the right thing to do. Right now, I wanna lose all my morals and just say fuck it. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't, but I really wanna give in. I won't though :-/ Even though I'm seriously considering it, I gotta tell myself the right thing is better, even if the wrong thing will feel so much better. On the flipside, I've been a "good girl" my whole life and I'm wondering what it's like on the other side lmao. But I'll just wonder about it for now. I won't give in.

3. Lately I been feeling like singing and writing and all that creative stuff. I just haven't sat down to actually do it. I think I should, or better yet, I think I need to. I have a few things to say.

4. There are quite a few "guests" at my house right now - 2 men and 3 children. I don't mind them being here all that much. There's just a few things that bother me. I feel like I have to give up a lot of my comfortability with them here and it may sound a little selfish, but its how I feel. I'm not used to being around all these people on a daily basis but its alright...its not that bad lol.

5. I was looking at old pics the other day and it made me realize I've gained quite a lot of weight...I need to work on that, ASAP. It's more for my health than for my appearance. I like the way I look, but I could look better while feeling better too.

New Shit

I'm seriously in need of a new attitude. This semester wasn't as good as I would have liked and I have no one to blame but myself. Honestly, I've never been a motivated student. I always just got by without putting in much effort. Of course in college this approach just will not work...at all! So what I need is a new approach to life and an attitude adjustment.

So I need to make an assessment of how I do things now, what's wrong with that method, and how I can change for the better. I think my biggest problem is procrastination. Procrastination has been a lifelong issue of mine so tackling that will be some work. But I'm willing to try new things...I really need to if I wanna do as well as I'd like to. Updates later...

Bah Humbug Pt.2

1. First off I'd like to say that Santa Claus can suck my dick. He has no place in my life and no value to me whatsoever.
2. Christmas has forever been ruined for me. The month of December sucks...I hate this month.
3. I don't want to spend money on anyone, no one should spend money on me. Shit, times is hard.
4. My love for Christmas has changed dramatically since I was younger...it has lost all of its attractiveness.
5. I don't see the purpose for exchanging gifts. Yes, I understand it can be a way of expressing love and showing that you care. But is that really what Christmas is really about? No. Just a gimmick to get people to buy shit, lots of shit.
6. Christ wasn't born in December...
7. Holiday time is supposed to be family time. Oh isn't that so great. Why can't we have family time any fucking time? Just a thought...
8. Holiday decorations are annoying...someone's house should catch on fire.

Damn, is that too harsh? Hmmm I don't care. But one thing I do love about Christmas is that I get time off to spend with my family and relax. If there's one thing I'm looking forward to about Christmas, it's that. Oh yeah and food lol.

From A Desert To A Monsoon

This is the story of my life right now. I don't really wanna get into it though because it just might incriminate me. Shit this post by itself is incriminating...oh fucking well. Sticking to the no filter motto. Hmmmm, I think I kinda like it lol.



All I have to say is that a certain aspect of my life has turned from a desert to a potential monsoon. Guess I should get some protection from the rain that will come my way. Now all I have to figure out is which shore it will rain on. Hmmm...decisions decisions lmao

Bah Humbug!!! Pt.1

No I don't want to hear your fucking caroling songs...go away! No I don't feel like buying any damn gifts. And please, please don't buy me shit! Urgh, fuck Christmas...I'm sleeping through it this year. My life is just fine without it. I'll come back and revisit why I feel this way. I just needed to rant real quick.

:-D

So today as I procrastinated and put off studying, I started to look at my pictures on Facebook. I don't know if this is weird or not but sometimes I look through all my pics even though I've seen them like 827367 times. As I looked through all my pics I got a little boost of confidence. Is that normal? Just looking at pictures of me, family and friends really makes me feel good. Guess that can't be a bad thing right?

Ooh LL...

For as long as I can remember I've always loved this song. I mean doesn't it send such a positive message? It's encouraging safe sex and encouraging men to learn how to please their women...it's downright educational! LMFAOO Ok maybe I took it too far. But it is a good ass song. Let this shit play at a party ooh wee I'm gone! Some classic shit!

For a more recent song by LL that I love....Can't Explain It



Felt like sharing my fave lyrics of the song, so here they are:

I love to take my time, love to give you a show
Get the warm chocolate syrup to travel below
Use my ears like handlebars, take control

Never too much, I lick it like a Dutch
Two of my favorite numbers, you know what I mean
Add 'em up and they equal fifteen
You the 6... I needed you like a fix


Hmmm sounds good to me LL....
Too bad you're 41 which means you are old enough to be my father. Plus you have a child that is one year older than me. Way to fuck up my fantasy old man! Hahahaha

I.Fucking.Love.This.Song.PERIOD.

Lyrics:

Your hands on my hips
Pull me right back to you
I catch that thrust
Give it right back to you
You're in so deep
I'm breathing for you
You grab my braids
Arch my back high for you
Your diesel engine
I'm squirting mad oil oh
Down on the floor
Til my speakers start to boil
I flip shit
Quick slip
Hip dip
And I'm twisted
In your hands and your lips
And your tongue tricks
And you're so thick
And you're so big
And you're so Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice

Where is my chocolate man to make this a reality?

It tastes so good, how can I resist?
Chocolate melted and molded exactly how I like it
"Just one bite is all I need," I say
But somehow I devour it completely
Every morsel of it
Just one taste of you
Ooh so sweet
I love the way you melt in my mouth
Mm mm good...can't get enough
Nothing compares to the taste of chocolate
I say "I'm only gonna have a little"
But I keep coming back for more
How can I resist your chocolate?

In Need of a Doctor...

I don't usually write poetry like this but I guess I got a little inspired...

I need your healing
Come put your hands on me
Make me feel better
Take me to that place I need to be
Heal me, fix my body
It's hurting, aching for you
Come inside and fix this problem
Make me feel better, inside and out
Everywhere, all over my body
I need every inch
Don't hold back
Give it all to me
My body needs it
Relieve me of this stress

Fuck a Filter

I just had a light bulb go off in my head. If no one reads this, then I can pretty much write whatever the fuck I feel like writing. I already try to be as honest and open as I can just because that's how I like things to be. So why not try it out...can't hurt.

New Rule: No filter.

I Guess I Lied...Oops

Just a few hours ago I said I wouldn't write anymore, then I realized that would be impossible. So maybe I should just change what it is I'm writing about. I need some more uplifting things to say opposed to my depressing posts about being lonely and invisible. But at the same time if that's my reality, what the hell else could I write about? So maybe I should consider something else - what can I do to change my predicament. Goal #1 - bring a better attitude towards schoolwork. I've never really been a motivated student and now my accidental A's aren't coming in anymore. I need to put a lot of effort into my work now but I'm not. I'm slacking, on some serious shit. So now what I need to do is get focused for the end of this semester and for Spring 10.

Why Bother?

Maybe I shouldn't blog anymore. I've recently realized that all I talk about are depressing things. My lack of love, recent lowering of confidence, lack of penis, lack of focus and soon to be lack of good grades. Well I didn't write about the last two things but I might as well throw them in now. I no longer write about my opinion on the things that are going on whether it be just my life or the world. Or did I ever? Writing is therapeutic, but putting all my business out here might not be the best way for me to feel better. So maybe I'll stop writing...maybe just for a little while or maybe for good. Who knows? No one reads this shit any way.

Waiting....

Getting personal once again...oh fucking well. No one reads this shit any damn way...


It's constantly on my mind...constantly in my dreams...when will it become a reality?

Impatiently waiting. All I wish is for it to just leave my thoughts.

But I'm surrounded by it.

Jill Scott says it better....





Yeah that's the only thing on my mind lately. Maybe I should just do something about it....starting now. Right fucking now.

Music

So lately I've been listening to a lot music and thinking to myself...hmmm why can't I do that? Why can't I write a song and not be scared to sing? And the answer is I can, I just choose not to out of fear. I'm getting really tired of my life being controlled by my fears. So far its gotten me nowhere, absolutely no where at all. Punking out of things that I wanna do only makes me more frustrated because after the fact I think to myself, "Hmm it couldn't have been that bad." But by then its too late and pointless to dwell on the past. So maybe I can try to actually do something a little out the box for once in my life. So now the question is when, when will I muster up the courage to say "fuck it" and do what I really want to do? But I'm too scared to say "now" so where does that lead me? Back to the beginning.

Cross My Mind

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing, I mean what you've been up to.
I know its wrong feeling so strong, let me take a second minute hour think this thing through....

I hate feeling this way.

Uhhhhh

Maybe I'm just having a moment. Felt the need to post this picture...maybe it'll help me describe how I'm feeling right now. It's kinda hard for me to put it into words actually so I'm gonna try....

I feel uhhhh frustrated!!!! Misunderstood, misconceived, misconstrued, misinterpreted....

But when I look at this pic something warm and fuzzy inside of me happens lmaoo ok well maybe not. I just love seeing myself with a smile because it seems like my smiles have been few and far between lately.

Unknown

No one knows me....
And although I complain about this, I think I like it this way. Twisted right? I wanna be acknowledged while simultaneously I'm terrified of having the spotlight. WTF?

I stay in my own little box, only saying hi and bye to people, never really getting close. And when I do get close, it never seems to last. But I want people to see me for who I really am, not the hi/bye me. But if I never stop how could they? I don't allow it yet I long for it...always have. I've never really had many friends and while I can just blame people for not seeing the real me the real blame should be put on me. Using my shyness as an excuse can't work anymore. I'm tired of being shy and quiet. TIRED of it, on some real shit.

Just Running Cross My Mind

Why is this guy on my mind? I just don't get it. "My First Love" by Avant ft. Keke Wyatt is playing right now and somehow its making me smile. The relationship I had with my first love ended on what you could call bad terms and so I try my hardest to deny the fact that I actually once loved him and enjoyed being with him. After we went our separate ways I tend to only talk about the negative things regarding him but lately that has become more and more difficult. I find myself wondering how he's doing, how his family is, if he's alright. Then there's a part of me that's like eww why am I thinking about this person - I'm sure hes not thinking about me. And yet I can't help but wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. Do I cross his mind? Maybe...probably not. He's probably moved on to the next chick without even wondering if I'm alive and breathing. But why should he care? He made it obvious he would never care for me the way I wanted him to so why should I be thinking about this? Maybe it's cuz I'm lonely and in need of male attention. He is the only guy I've been with so I guess it's natural for me to think about him because he is the only man in my past.

Desires...Pt.2

So I decided to skim through my old blog posts to see if anything interesting popped up that I could revisit. I came across this one. And not surprisingly, I still feel the same way. I wrote this back in March and although it wasn't too long ago, I still feel like I should be feeling better than this by now. Ughhh its so frustrating. I need some testosterone in my life on some real shit. It's really effecting me in a way I don't particularly like. I just need some attention. The kind of attention only a man can bring. There's just a certain energy men have and I'm lacking in it right now. Seriously.....

Invisible Pt 2

I wrote my last blog in class while we were having a library session and right after class on my way to lunch this song came on....




What a coincidence?

I love this song, always have and always will. I could always relate to it and sadly it is exactly how I feel sometimes. Here's the lyrics:
Who really cares?
Who really cares?
When I talk?
What I feel?
What I say?
Nobody not really

Who wants to take
The time to understand
I would like someone to heal me with some empathy
But I can't find…
Nobody not really

Maybe I'm invisible to the world
Does anyone in the world even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block

My stoop
My life
My dreams
My anything, anything

Who wants to help?
Mama, but she's so tired
Papa, but you're not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with
Nobody not really


SELF EXPLANATORY

Invisible Pt. 1

Maybe I'm getting too personal on my blog...
Oh well fuck it, I feel like writing so I don't really care if it is too personal.
Sometimes I feel invisible. No one sees me, no one wants to see me, no one cares. I know this sounds depressing but it's how I feel. The really sad part is that this isn't a new feeling, I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. Sad right? But lately it has gotten worse. I guess I've been feeling this way because it seems as though no one wants me, no one is interested in me. Maybe I just don't see them. Hahaha, there is no one to see.


I'll be back later....

Lonely Depressed Overweight Blues

September 26

The title speaks for itself. That's how I'm feeling and quite honestly, these feelings I'm having suck huge, hairy monkey balls. I hate feeling like this because I would be the first to say how loving yourself is most important, even your flaws. But right now I'm feeling like I'm the only one loving me and that's weighing on my self esteem. Plus my recent weight gain is making it worse. I actually consider myself fat now...never did before. What the fuck? I need to take a proactive choice about my life and start to change the things I don't like about myself. Not for anyone else - I just need to feel better about myself. And how could I expect someone else to want me when I don't even like what I see anymore. I hate this shit. I got the depressed lonely overweight blues.....updates later.

October 2

I’m gorgeous and I know this but lately I look at my pictures and I don’t see the same spark I used to. Where has my beauty gone? Is it the weight? Is it the slump I been in for months? Lack of penis? Lowered confidence in self? Damn that sounds terrible. I never thought I’d be talking about myself and using the words “loss” and “confidence” in the same sentence. It’s just not me. But the me I am now isn’t the true me. Isn’t the me at the highest potential. No I’m not at my highest potential right now…I’m not being all I can be at this moment. So what is stopping me? I don’t know what’s wrong with me…well maybe that’s not true. Avoiding issues never lead to anything so maybe I need to assess myself.

Hmmm…first off I hate admitting it but I’m lonely. Yes I have friends and family but there’s something missing, some type of void. And I’m not implying that a man can fill this void because I don’t even think this is the case. It’s just closeness. I miss it. And the people closest to me I care about and I’m pretty sure they care about me, but they aren’t fulfilling all my needs. My best friend isn’t really concerned with how I feel. We have long hour long conversations…about him. But maybe that’s my purpose, I’m his ear. So where is mine? My sister is the person I’m closest to in this world but we’re too far and there’s but so much texting can do for you. But that’s just not my emotional needs being met, what about my physical? I’m not being heard, I don’t feel important and I have no physical contact with people. At all. I don’t even mean sexual. Hugs are nice; a comforting touch is good too. Then there’s my sex life, or lack thereof. It’d be very nice to have someone want to be with me in that way, not just for their own enjoyment but mine too. But now for the first time I’m feeling insecure about my body. What the hell? So maybe what I need to do is get myself in order – all sides of me. Maybe then I could care just a little bit about a man. Right now I’m not in that position.

Then there’s school stressing me out. Or should I rephrase that – me stressing myself out about school. It’s all because of my damn procrastination. My fucking slow procrastinating self. Ughhhhhhh I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs…but then I’d be looking a little crazy probably. So maybe I won’t do that…but I feel like it. I just need a release. A damn release to get rid of my frustrations and all these feelings I’m having. A penis would come in handy in this situation......

This Depressing Cycle

Damn, I haven't written a blog in a while. It could be because I haven't been around a computer in a week or maybe its because of my lack of motivation. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to think maybe if I wrote more I would feel better. I just came back from spending a week in North Carolina on "vacation." I put it in quotations because I don't really know what I was taking a vacation from. Sitting at home not working? Sounds like a damn vacation already. Ok, well maybe not. This negative attitude needs to change; I've been in this damn funk for too long. There are so many things that are going on all at once and its driving me a little crazy. They are all dependent on eachother so I can't escape one without the other.
1) I'm unemployed which is very unfortunate, especially since I feel like I didn't do everything in my power to get a job. It's very late in the summer so I basically gave up on my job search. My lack of funds is pretty damn sad.
2) I can't stand being dependent on others. I feel like shit when people buy me things. Plus everything I do is dependent on other people's funds, I seriously hate that shit, like seriously.
3) Went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and guess what? I gained 10 pounds since I left school. So this was not a freshman 15 situation, I didn't gain weight until I came home. I've been overweight for a very long time but I have never weighed as much as I do now. Usually I wouldn't really be bothered because I love my shape. But now I have what looks like a baby bump. NOT CUTE. I look like I'm fucking expecting! Eww eww eww, sooo not cute - at all! So I've been talking to my sister and mother about what we all need to do to lose weight together. Honestly, I'm excited about it but I don't feel the excitement from them. To me its not just a weight thing - I know for a fact that I'm unhealthy because I can feel it. I don't feel well, ever. Either I'm tired or weak or light headed or I have a horrible headache. It's always one of these things that's wrong with me, and I don't want to place the blame solely on being anemic because I know for a fact that its more than that. What I need to do is make a serious commitment but I don't want to do it alone. We all need this. I need more action and less talk. Maybe this is something I have to do alone....

I guess I need to stop complaining and get on my grind. Nothing's gonna get done if it's all talk and no show. First step - buy a damn scale. Oh wait, I have no funds for that......


And this depressing cycle begins again.

Suicide Over MJ????

Today I was in the store and some man on the radio was talking about Michael Jackson. Of course, being sick of it I rolled my eyes and tried not to pay attention. But then I heard him say that 14 people have committed suicide since MJ died. Yes, 14 of his die hard fans killed themselves because he died. Now isn't that some crazy shit? It sounds pretty crazy to me. What the hell kind of mental state were they in that they felt like they couldn't go on anymore because Michael Jackson died? They must have been crazy and out of their minds to take their own lives over a MAN dying!!! What the fuck is this world coming to? Hey people IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS!!!! The King of Pop is dead, get over it please! Yes he touched millions of people with his music, I know that but it is not that serious. He's dead, let's face reality - no as a matter of fact, let's get back to life -- REAL LIFE. His family will deal with his death, I'm sure they are doing just fine mourning and greiving and all that. The rest of the world needs to realize that the Earth is still spinning and life isn't over. I don't even give a damn about being nice about it anymore. As mean as it sounds, life goes on, PERIOD.

Yeah I'm Talking About Him Too...

Michael Jackson died. I didn't want to write about it because I don't like doing something that everyone and their Mama is doing. But I have a feeling what I have to say is quite different from others.... First off I'd like to make a disclaimer. It is not my intention to be disrespectful because yes this man is dead and yes he was an extremely influential person in more ways then one but.....I'm so tired of hearing about it!!! There I said it! I'm tired of seeing his videos and hearing everyone talking about it. Death is a part of life and his was very unexpected but he's dead, get over it. Was that too harsh? I don't wanna be mean but when other people die they talk about it a few days, I have a feeling this will be a topic for weeks. Now before I get attacked by MJ fans of course I have to recognize all the things this man has done (Well just a few, I don't feel like going through his whole life lol). -- the first black artist's video on MTV, crazy amount of albums sold, of course dancing, singing, lyrics, videos, philanthropy....on and on and on yes we all know this. So I do respect him for all that he has done ignoring all the many problems he had (He was so cute when he was black with a nose :-( too bad that changed).
It's kinda backwards for me to say I'm sick of it because I understand it completely. People were truly touched by him, I'm just not a crazy fan like that. Of course I love his music and videos too, I just wish the world would move on already. But I guess its too soon.

Maybe I am mean cuz I don't care that much. But then again, I don't see death like other people do. I guess witnessing two close people die at a young age can do that to you. No disrespect but lets move on please. Michael made beautiful music, was a great performer and the music he created is timeless and will live on forever - but I didn't know him personally. I know he has a family and if I were to care, it would be about them. But not the situation, it is what it is. People die everyday and leave behind their families. It is a part of life. Famous people are not exempt from that. The world won't stop spinning because he died. Now its time to go back to life, back to reality....

Influence vs. Encouragement

I saw one of my aunts last week and it was her first time seeing me since I cut off my straight hair. She said she liked it and it was nice but then she said "you went off to college, cut your hair and became Afrocentric." And to me this was really funny. I know that people go off to college and their families become scared that they'll come back doing some crazy stuff. My mother told me not to go off and come back home gay, and my other aunt told me not to dye my hair green. While I do understand their concern, its just funny to me. I guess what the real issue is that people go off to college and find themselves. Lack of the influence and distance from family plus the liberation that knowledge brings leads to self discovery.
Influence isn't really a positive word to me. I don't like to be influenced because to me that screams not knowing who you are. Instead of saying I was influenced, I'd like to say I was encouraged. I had been thinking about going natural for years. Not many people know this but I always knew I would go natural during college cuz to me its a great time for it. I've always loved seeing people with natural hair and yeah I had a perm but it wasn't my choice initially and then I just kept doing it just cuz. Anyway, I'm wiser now and loving my natural curls and coils way more than that limp shit I had on my head before. I'm glad that I went away and found all these beautiful women that were not afraid to have their hair natural. Seeing for myself just how beautiful natural hair is was my encouragement.

In Need of Something.....

I still don't have a job so what time I don't spend on applying to jobs I spend on a whole bunch of nothing. It's kinda backwards actually that I haven't been blogging lately. It's not like I'm busy or anything. I've been home for a month already and i feel like I'm wasting away my summer. Shit needs to pick up already. A job would be nice. Something to do would be nice too but money is necessary for that, which leads right back to me needing a job. I'm so frustrated right now I don't even know what to do with myself. Stuck in my house all the time. I really need to get out and do something. It needs to be something free.....
But seriously, I'm so out of it. I need something to occupy my time with before I go crazy. Preferably something that's gonna put some money in my bank account. I don't mind not having money right now but I have no summer clothes, I'm gonna need money for next semester, plus I need money to do almost any damn thing. UGHHHH. And you know some crazy shit? The only pair of sneakers I have I bought in February 2008!!! I have like 4 pairs of jeans and I could go on and on about what I don't have but, honestly that's not the point. I need work experience, and money to save up. Material things aren't my concern but I'm not gonna lie and say I don't want to buy a few things too. Being broke isn't new to me, I can deal with that. But this time, it is so much different. Everyone in my house is broke and me being unemployed is not helping one bit.
I had expected a much better summer and so far it is not taking off at all! Yeah I have 2 months left but if I don't get a job soon I swear I'll go crazy!

I'm just hoping things pick up soon, reallllll soon.

BLAHHH

I was gonna write about my hair, but I'm not in the mood at the moment. Yeah I chopped off my straight hair and I feel great about it, but I'll come back to that later......

Right now I feel like shit. This is not a good thing. I came home from school excited, happy for the summer to come and all that good stuff. But right now, I have no idea where any of that excitement is. I've been applying to jobs all over and I still don't have a job. I know it might take time and the job market is bad and blah blah blah. I know all of this and yet I still feel like a big loser for not having a job yet. It may not even be my fault, but I feel like it is. Like somehow me not getting a job yet has made me some sort of failure. What the fuck is that crap? That doesn't even make sense to me and yet that's how I feel. I've been stuck up in my house these past couple of weeks with nothing to do and this shit is depressing the fuck out of me UGH. I need something to do or I'm gonna go crazy. Someone mentioned volunteering, its something to do and you could put it on a resume. That's great and all but there is no money involved which cannot possibly work for me. I'm not a money hungry person. I'm not concerned with going shopping every week and going out to spend money, that's not me. BUT I am in college and next semester is going to be crazy and being a poor college student is not gonna work for me. I can't just call up Mommy or Daddy for money like so many people I know can. That just isn't an option for me, at least not at this time. So I need to work and get money to save up cuz lord knows I will need it. Ugh, maybe I'm just depressed....ewww I don't like that. But its how I feel right now. Like BLAHHHHHH :(

"Good Hair"

Last night I watched an episode of the Tyra Show and it was about "Good Hair." First off, I'd like to say I can't stand that term. What the hell is good hair? Straight, wavy, shiny, bouncy, but oh no not "nappy." Cuz of course nappy hair can't possibly be beautiful - this is what troubles me. From a young age we're told that nappy hair isn't attractive and straight hair is easier to manage and more accepted in society. But this is not the truth. I feel like Black women have some of the most beautiful hair. I'm not knocking straight hair, but why should someone change the texture of their hair into something that is completely unnatural to them just for it to be considered attractive?

When I was 10 I got my first relaxer and I'll admit that I was excited about it. It wasn't my choice but I didn't really oppose it. But after relaxing my hair for all that time I've realized that it is not healthy for my hair at all. Why should I have to chemically alter my hair anyway? My natural hair is beautiful, it has personality meanwhile my straight hair is boring, limp and blah. I had to keep doing something to it to keep it interesting - which led to damage. But anyway, enough about me, back to Tyra.

On the show there were a few mothers and their children. One mother has a 3 year old daughter and she straightens her hair, not with heat, but chemically. Yes she relaxes her 3 year old's hair. WTF? She claims that it is easier to handle, it looks better and her daughter likes it. I think this is outrageous. Relaxing hair should not even be an option at that young age. It can't possibly be that hard to do her hair, I'm sorry. What ever happened to learning how to deal with our natural hair the correct way instead of being able to run a damn comb through it? Who said we're supposed to be using combs in our hair anyway? Being a part of this society is seriously fucking up how we see things and what we consider beautiful and acceptable. It pisses me off.

There was another mother, she's white and she has an 8 year old biracial daughter. She relaxes her hair and puts a weave in it. Yes a damn weave for an 8 year old!! Honestly, I don't even like seeing little girls with extensions, I don't feel it is necessary. But everyone is looking for an easy way out when the reality is that this is gonna mess up our children. Another woman intentionally had a child with a man outside her race so that she wouldn't have "nappy hair." She also attributes nappy hair with low class. WTF is this bullshit? So if my hair is kinky that means I'm low class? Really?

Some people claim that we straighten our hair because of self hatred. I feel it has more to do with conforming and confusion about beauty. Back in slavery times it was more beneficial to have straight hair and having kinky hair was looked down upon. This has manifested itself in our society today. After being told that our hair is unattractive for so long, we bring it on ourselves now - we don't even need outside influences telling us so.

Basically, whatever you choose to do to your hair is your business. I just wish people were more educated and open minded on the topic. The influence of our older generations and media truly has a hold on Black women and I can't stand it. If you wanna straighten your hair, wear a weave, rock it natural - whatever - its a personal choice. All I know is that I feel like I'm making a great decision by going natural. I'll finally meet the real me, minus the chemicals and bullshit.

Summer Fun

Ok so my first year of college is over. A lot of people are writing their memories, the things they've learned and all that good stuff. So I considered doing the same. But then I thought, EWWW NOPE! So I won't do that corny shit, but what I will do is say that this year was ok to me. Not spectacular, not wonderful, not even all that stressful actually - just a different experience for me. The best part was meeting new people and making friends. I enjoyed programs, parties, and classes blah blah blah. Ok enough of that mushy shit......

The summer has began and I have a feeling that this summer will be quite an experience for me. Other than having my first job, it's the summer activities that are exciting to me. The beautiful weather, late night trips to the beach, parties and all that summery stuff is looking good. Plus a few other things that I don't wanna mention because it will incriminate me later on lmao. Yeah, I plan on enjoying myself this summer, on more than one level. I deserve it don't I? I mean hey I am on the Dean's list for the second semester in a row :D I think I deserve to pop bottles...of apple juice of course ;-) hahaha

Yeah I'm Weird, So What?

I'm weird and I know it. I don't really give a fuck actually. While everyone is so busy being "normal" and trying to fit in I'm living my life being "weird." But I know what I am and I don't care if you don't like it. You can go ahead and drown in your insecurities while I breathe in the fresh air of weirdness. If being weird means that you know who you are and refuse to give in to the norms then fuck it, I'm weird!
Shit, being normal is weird. Who the hell is normal anymore anyway? That's boring. LMFAOOO
I love me and all my weirdness. I'm unique and I'm pretty fucking sure you wont ever find another like me anywhere - on some real shit.

OK my ramble is over lol.

Relationship Bullshit

I wish people would stop watching TV and listening to songs to define love and guide their relationships. These actions and phrases associated with love make me sick. If you love someone you're supposed to do this, your supposed to say this. EWW, go sit down somewhere with that shit. Ugh it bothers me. Why should there be a set of rules and guidelines? Bump that, I want something that is real. Fuck what everyone says you're supposed to do, that's corny and boring lol. And what's up with all these people fucking so soon? The influence of media is fucking up peoples perception of what they're supposed to be doing in relationships.
"Well we've been together 2 weeks so let's fuck!"
"Hmm I think we should be fucking now, don't you think?"
"He says he loves me so I'm gonna give him some tonight"
STUPID.
REALLY STUPID.

Fuck TV
Live your life according to your own feelings and beliefs. PERIOD.


OK, I'm done with my rant.

1000 Views

Wow, I have exactly 1000 views right now on my Myspace blog. I don't know if that's a lot to other people but that's a lot to me lol. Well anyway, that made me think. I write because I like to and because it's therapeutic. But it helps to have other people read what I write. It's kinda reassuring to me to know that someone is reading what I wrote, even when its personal and I question whether or not I should've even wrote it.

That's really all I have to say lol.

Youngin'

I'm 19, which is pretty damn young. There's no need for me to keep stressing about being single. But then again its not me being single, its me being alone. I know I'm not alone because I have friends and family that I know love me. So I think the problem is the physical aspect of it. NOT SEXUAL, physical. Having somebody physically there to see, touch, talk, and all that shit. Idk, I don't think I'm lonely, I just think I need someone to share with. Idk, I'm still a baby so I aint stressing it. I just can't help but miss having someone around. Plus I know I may come off hard or weird to some people but I'm really harmless. I wish people would see that...but then again maybe its me thats putting out that image. I can't help the fact that I walk around looking like the world is about to end. I just don't know how to change that. Wait, lemme stop there. There's the problem. But how the hell am I supposed to randomly start looking approachable? If I walk around smiling people are gonna think I'm crazy or something. I just dont know....

But I am sick of talking about my lack of love life...maybe it's just on my mind. But why? A relationship cannot and will not validate me. I know this already...it'd just be nice to be seen in that way. To have someone to want to be around me. Saying this makes me a lil sad actually. Cuz I have people that want to be around me - my family and friends. And I seriously appreciate that. But I want something that they can't give me. I want to be appreciated in a different way. Damn, this sounds like a a quest for validation. I don't like it, thats not me. I don't like being vulnerable, soooo not a good look lol.
Unfortunately....I'll be back on this topic later lol

First Day

So here's a video that I took part in a few months ago. A good friend of mine, Vixon is really into filming and all that good stuff and he asked me to be in one of his films. Very early on in my first semester of college having someone to ask me to be in a film was scary as hell! I'm pretty damn shy and acting is wayyyy out of my comfort zone. Luckily, its a silent film lol. But anyway...

Seeing myself on film is scary to me and I realized that how I see myself and how I actually look are two totally different things lol. Stepping out of my comfort zone was a good thing though, I feel like I need to do that more often. It's so easy getting stuck in the same ole thing doing the same shit over and over. It gets boring and you never learn or grow as a person. But I'm glad that I did this, as scary and hard as it was...it really helped me grow as a person. Plus...it confirmed that I look pretty damn good! LMFAO I'm not conceited - being conceited is a form of low self esteem. But being gorgeous and knowing it is harmless, I don't run around telling people, I just know it. Like I said before, everyone is beautiful and I truly mean that.

But anyway, the premise of the film is that it is a girl's first day of college. She can't sleep the night before because she's so anxious. When she does wake up, she takes too long getting ready and is late for class. So she runs across campus to get to class and when she gets there she is relieved and reassured. Check it out - First Day - Directed By Video Vix[o]n

First Day from Video Vix[o]n on Vimeo.

I'm Gorgeous Dammit!

Soooo I'm looking at my pictures on facebook and they range as far back as 2004 and I realize something. I'm gorgeous! Actually, it wasn't a realization it was more of a recognition. Now I don't wanna sound conceited or nothing but isn't this a good thing? A lot of people have low self esteem and can't seem to appreciate their own beauty. I feel like everyone is beautiful in their own way. It may be a lil corny, but its true. I'm sick of people talking about how unhappy they are because of their appearance.

Maybe I feel this way cuz I wasn't really teased, even though I was a fat little girl lol. The most I was teased about was my nose (yes its big but so fucking what!) and my breasts (which are big too lol). These things were not an issue for me. My nose is big but it is the same nose that my father and grandmother had. They're no longer here with me and this big ass nose on my face is a constant reminder and connection from me to them. I'm proud to have this big ass nose! Oh yeah and my boobies...well that's self explanatory lmao. I had big breasts since like 12 and boys used to tease me and say "Got Milk," but I took it as a compliment lmao. Anyway...back to what I was saying about my gorgeousness.

There isn't anything wrong with recognizing your own beauty. I recommend looking in the mirror butt ass naked, flaws and all and saying "I Love You." I don't care how big, small, tall short - whatever! There is always something to love. Always. I see the most small and insignificant thing and find beauty in it.

Single Life

It seems like everyone but me can find a man. Wait, let me stop and rephrase that. I'm not after a man, it just puzzles me how like every damn girl that I know randomly finds men/boys to talk to and this is never the case for me. But then again, a lot of people find themselves in very insignificant relationships with people that are not their match at all. So maybe, I'm single because when I do find someone, no time will be wasted on bullshit and I wont have to go through unnecessary shit. Hmm...nice thought. But me bringing this up just makes me think, why is this so important? Well lets see....
(On a side note) I'm not placing an importance on being in a relationship, other things are more important but it'd be nice. Anyway...
Like I was saying....
I've been single since Jan 08, well technically June 07. Yeah, long ass time right? So I guess I have a right to wonder why I'm still single. I mean I know I don't look approachable (I've been told that I look mean and difficult to approach), I don't "put myself out there"(eww so not me....AT ALL) and blah blah blah. But there are people that are actually hard to approach and yet they have someone. WTF? Past my exterior, I'm actually not that bad. But then again I'm biased...

To deal with this issue of mine, I just make it inconsequential. So I make it seem smaller than it is to deal with the idea that maybe there's something wrong with the fact that I'm still single.

Wait, wait, I have an idea....hmm. I'm difficult at times, I don't go out much, I don't look approachable... ok maybe I see the problem now. But on the other hand, a close friend of mine said that it should be easy for men to be interested in me because of my physical appearance ("Ass and Tits" in his words). But I'm more than my physical. I don't want to only be recognized because of my over-sized anatomy. I'd actually prefer that someone is interested in me because of my mind, my sense of humor...my non-physical things! But please, physical is always first...sad but true.

Maybe I just shouldn't give a fuck. Hmm...sounds like a good plan for now lmao

Pile of Geese Shit

Ok, so now it's official. I feel like shit. And it seems for no apparent reason. Yeah I didn't get enough sleep last night, but do I ever? No. Yeah I have a lot of work to do and I'm currently working on a last minute project, but don't I always? Yes. So what the fuck is the problem? I don't seem to be understanding this blah feeling that has come over me. The semester is almost over, so I should be excited about that, I'm not though. I just declared my majors and I was excited about it. Not anymore. I was going on and on for days about chopping my hair off and how great I felt about that. But I don't feel great at the moment. What the hell is my problem?

UGHHHHH

I need to figure it out before I go crazy.

yeah yeah yeah, whatever

Today I feel like a zombie. Having a lot of work to do with little time shouldn't be a problem for me. It sounds like my life. But today, I just wanna sleep and do nothing else. I don't want to read, I don't want to write, shit I barely want to talk. And that's rare lol. I don't feel like its the whole "over-worked college student" thing either. That's not it. I know why I'm here and I know what I have to do, even if that means some sleepless nights and tired days. I know all this, so why is it that I feel like this? Idk what the fuck anything is half the time. I don't know how to feel anymore...if I ever did.

UGHHHHHHHHHH

I need a release.....like seriously before I explode.

Anticipating My Naps!

For as long as I can remember I've always envied people with curly hair. I would look at their hair and wish mine wasn't so boring. I'd wish this limp shit on my head would become interesting and lively with some curls. But now I realize that I wasn't envious of these other people. I wasn't longing for something I couldn't have, I was longing to go back to my roots (literally lol). It was not my choice to chemically alter my hair. My aunt decided that she no longer wanted to braid my hair so at the young age of 10, I got my first relaxer. I've been relaxing my hair because supposedly its easier to handle, you could do more with straight hair and its more acceptable by society. BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT.

For almost 9 years I've had straight hair and it was normal to me. But now I realize that what's normal is not chemically processing my hair. The way my hair is naturally is the way my hair should be. For the past year and a half I have been back and forth about growing out my hair. When I went 6 months without a relaxer I realized, hey I don't NEED a relaxer. My hair is just fine. But out of convenience I got a touch up. Then another 6 months went by and I swore up and down that I was not gonna relax it...then I did. This happened for the last time in September. So it's been almost 7 months since I've gotten a perm! How exciting!

Words cannot express how excited I am to be transitioning! I'm excited about become re-acquainted with my natural texture and trying different styles. But at the same time I'm a lil scared. Scared its not gonna look right, scared I won't know what to do with it and other things. But my excitement overrides my fear. My anticipation is killing me!

Soon I'll be chopping this straight boring shit off and embracing my naps! Can't wait :D

EWW

I'm looking at my posts and I realize that in these few posts, I talk about my love life, or lack thereof lol. First off, let me say EWWWWW. I don't like talking about this too much, but for some strange reason, it keeps coming up. OK, maybe the reason isn't so strange. It could be that I been single for like.....ever lol and I'm starting to feel like maybe this isn't normal. But then again, I'm no where near normal, and I don't want to be either. Fitting into the norms aint my thing.

But anyway, since we're on the topic....
Why is having a significant other so important? I get love from so many people on a daily basis, which I appreciate. But there's just something about having someone on a different level. The whole process of getting to know someone and becoming a part of their life is exciting. And I can honestly say I haven't had too much of that. But then again, I'm only 19 so I'm not anxious like that. Plus, my number one priority right now is school.

Maybe I'll come back to this later. Maybe......

It was on my mind so.....

I'm 7, she's dead
I watched as she incomprehensibly spoke, eyes bulging
I asked the lord not to take her away
But she went, she's gone

I'm 14, he's dead
I watched as he frantically gasped for air, eyes bulging
I prayed for this not to be the last time I see him
But he went, he's gone

They left

Just a Little Rant

I'm offensive, maybe even rude. I always want an explanation because I like when things make sense to me. I am in constant opposition with the people closest to me. We disagree, I don't care, its just conversation - but they care, they get offended. I openly receive criticism. Yeah I get offended easily, but I'll talk it out. Maybe loudly, maybe softly. What can I say? That's just a part of who I am. Take me like this or leave me the fuck alone. PERIOD.
If you don't like being around me, here's a simple solution: don't come around me!!! DUH lol. I'm sorry but I'm not apologetic about me being me (contradiction right? lol), I don't have time to. Just like I don't have time to care. If you're close to me then you'd know that I'm not abrasive on purpose, I actually mean well. It just doesn't come off that way...like ever lol.

To Be Continued...

Never Been Kissed.....Like Seriously lol

I'm single. Usually this isn't a problem because I'm not particularly concerned with finding a man. But the other day I had a conversation that got me thinking. Somehow the topic of kissing came up. Then I realized, wow I've only ever kissed one person. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, I'm young and I've only been in one relationship so I guess that makes sense. But the longer I think about it the less it makes sense to me. The fact that I've only had one boyfriend doesn't bother me, its the fact that I don't ever meet new people that does. Like ever. Nah seriously, EVER!

But anyway I find it very disconcerting that I've been single since January 08 (Technically June 07 but that's a story for another time lol). Anyway, it doesn't bother me that I haven't had a boyfriend in this time, it's the fact that I haven't met anyone to at least be interested in during this time.

I think its obvious why I never meet anyone. People say I don't put myself out there. But I don't like that term. I don't feel like I have to do or say certain things to get noticed. Why can't I be myself and someone notice me anyway? Yeah right. I'm not shy but I can be in certain situations, but then I have my moments when I speak up.

I've heard from quite few people that I don't look approachable and I walk around looking mean. I can't disagree with them because I know I don't walk around smiling cuz that just aint me. I don't walk around all merry and jolly and shit and I don't know how to be in between.

I'm not complaining about being alone, I just feel like if I never meet anyone I will end up alone. Also its nice to meet new people which I have difficulty doing on my own. Someone recently told me that I never meet anyone new because I don't go to parties, I don't talk to guys, and I don't do anything that could possibly lead to anything. After he said this, I had to assess myself. It's true that I don't go out but why does it have to be a party I go to in order to meet someone? But if I don't get out much or take the initiative when I see someone I'm interested in, then I guess it'll just stay this way.

For now anyway.

Back To Life, Back To Reality.......

Spring Break is over and this saddens me.
I like being at school, being away from home is a great experience. But on the other hand, once I go home, it's so hard for me to come back to school. Since I lay around and do nothing, coming back to writing papers and taking tests is a taste of reality. Getting back in the swing of things has always been a problem for me though. For as long as I can remember I have not liked doing work and going to school. What the hell is wrong with me? Of course I'm lazy but I've maintained my motivation. So I do my assignments although I'd rather be sleeping. But then again I'm sure everyone would probably rather be sleeping, eating and doing things that they enjoy.


Going home and doing nothing for a week is detrimental to my studies. Like seriously.
Back to life.....back to reality

Desires......

As I said I'm scared to write, especially about personal issues. I don't mind talking about myself (I'm actually my favorite topic lol), but sometimes I wonder where the boundary is. I decided to say "Fuck the boundary," and write what the hell I feel like writing.

Yes I'm single and not looking for a man but I can't deny these feelings I have.

I want to be wanted.
I want somebody to want to spend time with me.
I want to talk to someone on the phone other than the same people I speak to everyday. (Not that I don't love them, I do dearly)
I want someone to love and appreciate me for me.
I want someone to want to get to know me, to be curious and enjoy learning me.
I want somebody to put up with my mess and love me despite of it.
I want someone to want to kiss me....
to want to touch me...
to happily, with a smile on his face tell me its his pleasure to make sure I'm satisfied and learn how to please me.
I want for someone to want to get to know me because of my mind and personality.
I want someone to appreciate my body.
I want someone that I can talk to, laugh with, and hold intelligent or just plain stupid conversations with.


Am I asking for too much?
I don't think I am.
This isn't one-sided. I'll do the same in return.

No man will validate me. No relationship can validate me. I love me PERIOD. But it'd be nice to have that in common with someone else lol

I'm Scared to Write

Yeah I know, crazy right? But the truth is that I'm extremely afraid of writing. Every time my pen hits the paper or my fingers hit these keys, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of expressing myself. I'm afraid what people will think. I'm afraid it won't be good, I'm afraid that it will be good. Sometimes I'm even scared of getting compliments or good comments. I wonder what this fear is.

My motto is "Fuck It," I say this all the time cuz I feel like I dont have time to worry about what people think of me. But am I lying to myself when I say "Fuck It?" Like I'm immune to having feelings? Maybe, maybe not. But I know I'm scared. I'm most scared of my words being beautiful. And yet I smile when I read something I wrote months later, realizing that it is actually good. When I get a paper back from a professor and it has an A on it I get confused. What is this? When I write poetry, I write in pencil as if I'm unsure of my words. Well maybe thats it, a lack of confidence in my words. But wait, I know this isn't a self esteem problem, so what the fuck is it? Maybe I should just keep writing until I figure it out. That can't possibly hurt.

Void of Joy

I just realized just how much of an angry person I am. It's strange to me because I've always thought of myself as a happy, optimistic person. But I'm learning that this isn't the case. A while ago my sister said I was pessimistic but I brushed it off by claiming that I'm just realistic. And I truly think that I do just like to look at things from all perspectives, even the negative ones. This is important because in this world nothing is guaranteed and its sad but no one really gives a damn about you. Does this sound angry? I know I'm a pretty serious person, I take almost everything seriously even when I really don't need to.

Sometimes I feel like I have no joy, no reason to even be happy. I mean I'm always laughing, and I have a tendency to smile when I talk. But those are just external. I have people that love me, my situation right now isn't horrible. I don't have to worry about my next meal, I have clothes to wear and I have a place to sleep. Of course I have some things to worry about but stressing is pointless to me. So what the hell is going on?

Has all the shit I been through in life left me void of happiness and a lack of sympathy for others? I sure hope not.

Blog Virgin

Ok so this is my first blog post. Well, technically its not. I have been writing blogs on Myspace for a while now but since I barely go on there anymore I said hey why not try something different. So now I'm losing my blogspot virginity. Although I'm excited, sadly I have nothing to write about at the moment. Odd huh? I'll be back later with an actual post.