This morning, as I was preparing to work out, I was facing my vision board. I started reading some things out loud, trying to motivate myself. After doing some squats (I just started a challenge, gotta get that booty right), I turned around to take a sip of water. I was drawn to my doorway once again. So today, I decided to indulge. Maybe Daddy was there. So I spoke to him.
Hey Daddy. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to get motivated. I know all of the things I need to do to get it together, but when its time to do it, I struggle. It's like I don't really know what I'm doing it for. I was talking to a friend a couple of months ago who told me that he thought I was going through life trying to make you proud. I told him that was absurd, you're not here, how could I make you proud? I'm not living for you. When I think of it though, I'm barely living for me. I know that I need to get my stuff together. But for me. What would it benefit you? I know you're still around, but not physically. So I don't want to make you proud. Maybe I should do it for me. Because the more I think about it, doing it for me is doing it for you. Because you get to live on through me. 42 is so young. I know you did a lot, but there was so much more you could've done. You didn't get a chance to live at your highest potential. But you can through me. Because you live on through me. So I guess I was wrong this whole time. I have to do better. For me. For you too.
Me and my sister are still Brian's girls. I carry him with me. So its time I do right by him by doing right by me.
|Before my JHS prom, June 2004|