October 2, 2009

Lonely Depressed Overweight Blues

September 26

The title speaks for itself. That's how I'm feeling and quite honestly, these feelings I'm having suck huge, hairy monkey balls. I hate feeling like this because I would be the first to say how loving yourself is most important, even your flaws. But right now I'm feeling like I'm the only one loving me and that's weighing on my self esteem. Plus my recent weight gain is making it worse. I actually consider myself fat now...never did before. What the fuck? I need to take a proactive choice about my life and start to change the things I don't like about myself. Not for anyone else - I just need to feel better about myself. And how could I expect someone else to want me when I don't even like what I see anymore. I hate this shit. I got the depressed lonely overweight blues.....updates later.

October 2

I’m gorgeous and I know this but lately I look at my pictures and I don’t see the same spark I used to. Where has my beauty gone? Is it the weight? Is it the slump I been in for months? Lack of penis? Lowered confidence in self? Damn that sounds terrible. I never thought I’d be talking about myself and using the words “loss” and “confidence” in the same sentence. It’s just not me. But the me I am now isn’t the true me. Isn’t the me at the highest potential. No I’m not at my highest potential right now…I’m not being all I can be at this moment. So what is stopping me? I don’t know what’s wrong with me…well maybe that’s not true. Avoiding issues never lead to anything so maybe I need to assess myself.

Hmmm…first off I hate admitting it but I’m lonely. Yes I have friends and family but there’s something missing, some type of void. And I’m not implying that a man can fill this void because I don’t even think this is the case. It’s just closeness. I miss it. And the people closest to me I care about and I’m pretty sure they care about me, but they aren’t fulfilling all my needs. My best friend isn’t really concerned with how I feel. We have long hour long conversations…about him. But maybe that’s my purpose, I’m his ear. So where is mine? My sister is the person I’m closest to in this world but we’re too far and there’s but so much texting can do for you. But that’s just not my emotional needs being met, what about my physical? I’m not being heard, I don’t feel important and I have no physical contact with people. At all. I don’t even mean sexual. Hugs are nice; a comforting touch is good too. Then there’s my sex life, or lack thereof. It’d be very nice to have someone want to be with me in that way, not just for their own enjoyment but mine too. But now for the first time I’m feeling insecure about my body. What the hell? So maybe what I need to do is get myself in order – all sides of me. Maybe then I could care just a little bit about a man. Right now I’m not in that position.

Then there’s school stressing me out. Or should I rephrase that – me stressing myself out about school. It’s all because of my damn procrastination. My fucking slow procrastinating self. Ughhhhhhh I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs…but then I’d be looking a little crazy probably. So maybe I won’t do that…but I feel like it. I just need a release. A damn release to get rid of my frustrations and all these feelings I’m having. A penis would come in handy in this situation......

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