Yeah I know, crazy right? But the truth is that I'm extremely afraid of writing. Every time my pen hits the paper or my fingers hit these keys, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of expressing myself. I'm afraid what people will think. I'm afraid it won't be good, I'm afraid that it will be good. Sometimes I'm even scared of getting compliments or good comments. I wonder what this fear is.
My motto is "Fuck It," I say this all the time cuz I feel like I dont have time to worry about what people think of me. But am I lying to myself when I say "Fuck It?" Like I'm immune to having feelings? Maybe, maybe not. But I know I'm scared. I'm most scared of my words being beautiful. And yet I smile when I read something I wrote months later, realizing that it is actually good. When I get a paper back from a professor and it has an A on it I get confused. What is this? When I write poetry, I write in pencil as if I'm unsure of my words. Well maybe thats it, a lack of confidence in my words. But wait, I know this isn't a self esteem problem, so what the fuck is it? Maybe I should just keep writing until I figure it out. That can't possibly hurt.