June 30, 2011

Early Life Crisis?

I know that this is common for people my age but I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Like at all. Everyone gives the advice of continuing on to grad school after graduation. This is sound advice in most cases but I don't know what to do with it. I'm majoring in Black Studies and Sociology and I love both my majors but what focus will I have for grad school? I have absolutely no clue what I'd like to study further. I was in the Human Services concentration of the Sociology major and I had planned on going to grad school for social work, to get my MSW. But the more I got into the major, the less enthused I got about this idea. I'm no longer in the concentration and now I'm questioning if I wanna be a social worker at all. You know what, no I am not. I don't wanna do that. Plain and simple. Well maybe...see the confusion? lol As far as Black Studies, if I continue with that and try to be a professor like I had considered before, that would be great. But do I wanna be a professor and have to be in school for like 6 more years? Um, no. Not at all. So when I graduate, what the hell will I be doing with myself? Nah, bump that question, lets go a bit deeper. What do I WANT to do? What is my passion? And that's where the problem starts...I have no fucking clue.

I love music and writing and I'm quite opinionated. Hmm, could I be a music critic? I don't know. I looked into it last year and thought that could be an option. But how the hell do you get into something like that? And what is the pay? lol

I like being of service to my people, especially when there are issues that I can relate to. So social work can still be an option. Or some type of service to my community. I'm just not sure what though.

I always had this hidden desire to be a pastry chef. The other night I looked into a few programs in the city  and if I was to go to school, it would probably have to wait a while. Also, that field is pretty competitive and demanding. Do I  really have what it takes to enter this field? Worst case scenario, I take classes in it and get my degree and do nothing with it. I would only be wasting money because I'm pretty sure the classes would be great for me. I love learning something new, especially if I'm interested in it.


I know that its probably nearly impossible for me to figure out what I want to do and have it work for me right away. Many people go to school, get multiple degrees and when they finally enter the field that they thought they loved, they hate it. Or they just do it for the money. I don't want that to be me. Plus I absolutely hate school (always have lol) and I honestly just wanna be done with it next May. But what can I do after that?

Soooo I brainstormed, but where does that lead me now? I'm still confused...I guess I need some career counseling. But at least I'm on my way to figuring it out...I guess lol

Where's my drive?

So a while ago I wrote about why I suck and a friend of mine commented with a quote that she found:
To change one's life:
1. Start immediately.
2. Do it flamboyantly.
3. No exceptions.

I love this quote because it couldn't be any closer to what I need to do with my life. One of my biggest problems is that I can easily recognize what most of my issues are. Doesn't seem like much of a problem right? Well my issue with this is that most of the time I do absolutely nothing to fix my problem. I might talk/write about what is wrong and how I can fix it but then I leave it at that. So I figured out what my problem really is: I have no drive.

Sad right? The truth is that I'm quite the underachiever. I don't go out of my way to get what it is I want because, well, I don't put much energy into caring about what I want. Does that make any sense? Basically, I don't put much energy towards wanting anything so when I try to work towards getting something, halfway through I kinda give up because I lack the drive to even care. Kinda fucking sad. I don't think I have a passion for anything...

Wait, that's a lie. A blatant lie. I lovesss me some music. Baking. Singing. Writing. Reading. Talking. Educating others. But can I say I'm passionate about these things? Ummmm....

Positivity? I guess I can say that I still have time to figure out what drives me. Because there has to be something. I'm going to make a list of my goals and desires and go from there.

June 27, 2011

New Music

While reading Black Girl with Long Hair last week I came across this article which mainly focused on the creator of Concrete Loop. In the article there was a brief introduction to a new artist Rochelle Jordan. I've never heard of her but after playing "How to Feel" it has been stuck in my head ever since. That's definitely a good look. Especially coming from me, since I'm a bit finicky with new artists.




You can find out more about her here. I'm feeling the vibe of most of her songs so I'm looking forward to hearing more from her. Ooh and do you see that hair??? I have some serious fro envy right now lol.

In love with my curls :)

I know I say this a lot but I LOVE my hair. I'm glad that I decided to stop straightening my hair. I have no intentions of ever going back to a relaxer. Nope, never.

Earlier today I trimmed my ends and did a deep conditioning treatment with olive oil, honey and a tad bit of conditioner. After I rinsed it out I had to take some pics because my curls were just so sexy. It made me realize that I don't ever really wear my hair without it being manipulated in some way first. Since I'm in love with twists/twist-outs that's what I do 90% of the time. I barely ever do wash and go's with my hair because I have yet to master a good technique that keeps my curls sexy without the fuzz or find a product that works halfway decent. So I'm still working on it lol.

My hair might look a bit shiny because of the flash but hopefully the sexiness is still noticeable lol.




Random but doesn't it look like I have a Jheri curl? I know I can't be the only one that sees the similarity lmaoo. Nah but on a serious note, I have no idea what my curl pattern is. I barely have any coils, mostly have S shaped curls. Actually, the more I think about it, the more it doesn't matter.  As long as its stays healthy and sexy :)

Oh yeah, to end with some positivity, I'm going to stop complaining about my hair. Yeah its not as thick and full as I'd like but why complain about something that I cannot change? Waste of energy. Plus, not too many women love their hair as it naturally grows out of their heads. I don't want to be one of those women. I know what I have and I appreciate it :)

June 10, 2011

What Have I Been Doing to Myself? Pt2

This semester I received the worst grades I have ever gotten, in my life.  For the first time in my academic career I do not even have a 3.0. Since I started college I've been on the Dean's List 3 times and my highest  GPA was a 3.6 with the lowest being a 3.17. I'm not saying this to brag, just to paint a picture of how my grades usually are. I'm not the greatest student. To be honest, I don't really work hard to get my grades. And this is probably how I fell off. I lost focus. Usually my focus is never 100% but this last semester I had less than 50% focus, not just in school, but in life in general. I felt lost, lonely, misunderstood, confused and just out of it. I didn't have the drive to do simple shit which can turn a B to an A. I just didn't put in the work. I guess I gave up in way. Maybe I just got too tired...I don't really know :-/

The moment that I realized that I truly fucked up was when I lost the respect of one of my favorite professors/mentors. Usually, if I fuck up its on me. But when others lose their faith in me, it hurts...like hell. I cried for a good 10 minutes because I felt so stupid. I'm capable of doing great and when I don't and I just accept mediocre what am I really saying about myself? In one of my other classes I neglected to hand in my final paper. Yeah, stupid right? And when I tried to hand it in late, my professor wouldnt accept it. I pleaded with her, went back and forth trying to explain myself but she wasn't having it. And can I blame her? Its not like I was a great student or got to know her outside of the classroom like I usually do. So what did she have to go on...my word? I'm not gonna lie, I was pissed off. But ultimately, it was my fault.

The crazy part is that everyone thinks of me as such a great student. Little do they know just how much I fuck up. And for what? Why wait till the end of my undergrad years to act like a lost and confused freshman? It makes no damn sense. At all.


To end on a positive note, next semester I will get as close to a 4.0 as possible. I'm so beyond serious right now. I can't have it any other way. I plan on doing more than "trying my best." I will do my best because to be honest, the only thing that has been in my way has been me. No more of this.

June 8, 2011

What Have I Been Doing to Myself?

Last week I sat down and looked at a couple of photo albums from 2005-2007 and they made me a bit sad. I was upset for two reasons:
1. Those were the best years of my life. That time was when I had the most fun and felt the best about myself. (The first half of 2008 was pretty damn good too but I didn't look at those pics lol)
2. I was much much smaller than I am right now. I don't even recognize that girl anymore :|
Here's a couple of pics from Summer 2005 that I came across.

After my sister's graduation from the Academy of Finance :)

After my ex's graduation. He's obviously cut out lol


I've enjoyed myself since then but it has never gotten back to the way it felt then, maybe it never will. But shit, can I at least come close? I'll be graduating soon and starting my life. Right now is my time. I should be enjoying my young adulthood and making the best out of life. Which leads me back to my weight. I can be much sexier than I am now. I know that I won't get back to how I looked then, that isn't even my goal. I was 15 so of course I won't look like that anymore...I don't even want to lol. But I can get back to that weight, and smaller if possible. At that time I was an 11/12 and my goal would be to get to a size 9/10 and to get rid of between 60-80 pounds. I know I said this before but I have to keep reminding myself of what I need to do to keep it fresh in my mind.

So basically, I am on a mission to get my health, mind, body and spirit to where they need to be. I'm tired of feeling stuck. It's draining me of energy.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about the positive ending thing, so here it goes...Today I did my first oatmeal & honey mask and my face loved it. I will be trying it again :)

Negativity

So I'm sitting here reading my old posts and I notice a trend. There's quite a small percentage of my blog that is positive while there is an overwhelming presence of negativity. It seems as though the only things I can write about revolve around my unhappiness and my attempts to remedy how I feel. As I stated before, I have this blog solely for me to vent and write down how I feel so that I can sort through my issues. But lately I've felt as though my constant negativity isn't good for me. It just keeps me in the same place that I'm trying to avoid.

I'm not happy. So my blog isn't happy. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. So my blog is quite depressing. I can't have this anymore. So I've been considering taking a break from writing, well, publicly I mean (I'd be a crazy fool to stop writing altogether lol). But I have a feeling this won't help. So instead, I'm going to write down how I feel but I MUST end every post with something positive. Whether it be about me, about my day, something that made me smile, or a remedy to the problem I'm currently having.

One of my biggest problems is that I can recognize my flaws and ways of fixing them, but I don't. I talk about what's wrong and what I can do to make it better, but do I ever? I usually start and halfway through the process I slack off. Every time. It never fails. This is no way to live. So I'm gonna try to make some changes, starting here. It may be small but shit, its better than nothing. Soooo here's a song that makes me smile. The video is kinda, ummm....but I love this song :)

Encore - Cheryl Lynn

June 6, 2011

My Hair Woes

I'm in love with my hair. There's no denying that. But sometimes I get a bit frustrated. I've made quite a few mistakes over the past two years of my natural hair journey and although I've learned from them, I still am a bit upset about the progress of my hair. I wasn't taking care of my hair properly for a long time. I made simple mistakes that I didn't even realize I was making such as sleeping on my hair loose, not trimming my ends and not sealing with oil/butter after moisturizing. A few months ago I started reading hair blogs again and from seeing how other people are styling their hair, coping with problems and learning new things it has helped me look at how I take care of my hair and what needs to be fixed. Also, from reading these blogs I get a bit frustrated when I look at my length. I wasn't trimming my hair on a regular basis and my ends kept getting raggedy so instead of trims I ended up cutting my hair 3 times. After transitioning 8 months plus 2 years of growth my hair is only slightly past shoulder length. WTF? I'm trying not to complain much and focus on taking better care of my hair. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want my hair longer. I feel like I could do so much more with it with a bit more length. Also, my hair is quite thin so I don't really have the volume I'd like. That's something that I cannot change so hopefully I'll just feel better after I gain some length. Here's a pic of my first bantu knot out. Came out kinda cute...it was light and fluffy :)

I'm not trying to sound like I hate my hair and all I have is complaints - that's not true at all. By voicing my frustrations I have a way of seeing what is wrong and how I can fix it. If I can't fix it, oh well. I'll just keep it moving.