December 25, 2009


Sometimes I feel like I have been missing out on life...

Looking at my yearbook and various pictures of people from high school makes me think, why the fuck was that not me? Not a jealousy thing, more like a, "How could I have gone through HS kept to myself and not making any lasting friendships?" thing. I honestly don't talk to anyone from HS and my life is going on just fine, I'm sure its the same for them. But then I look at other people and see that their HS friendships are still relevant to their lives. Wait, I hate comparing myself to others. Case dismissed...I just realized I was making a comparison EWW I don't do that lmao.

Looking back on all my friendships over my life, I've realized one thing. I always have that 1 friend and eventually that relationship gets too fucked up and it ends. It's a recurring cycle. Now in college, its not quite like that. I think because I live with these people, its harder to just dismiss them and go on about my life. In HS and JHS I went to school, did work, and went straight home. I didn't give myself a chance to make or keep friends...I was preoccupied. With what, I have no fucking clue. Sometimes I regret being like that but then I snap back and realize shit happens, life goes on. OH WELL. I'm good now, what's the point of looking back? But then that makes me think of one friendship...shit should I even go there?

Condensed version of this friendship: close friends for about 3 years, she was like a sister to me, we were complete opposites, she "couldn't handle my honesty" so our friendship ended, she dated my ex boyfriend. She was dead to me.

I sometimes wonder if she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing. Then I realize, why the fuck would she? I wasn't all that important obviously. But I sometimes wonder about her. I mean, we were close. I wonder if it would be worth it to contact her, would it be worth my time? I've grown since then and hopefully she has too. So it might not hurt to contact her. But then I think, why the hell should I be the one? I feel like that's a sign of weakness. I hate being vulnerable, HATE. Like seriously...its a serious issue of mine lol. But maybe, I'll see how I feel about it in a few days, after I have time to think about it.

Ugh, why the hell did I pick up my yearbook?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

First off.. its okay to sit and wonder and reminisce It shows that you have a heart, and that you are trying to better yourself. As far as contacting your friend, that doesn't make you weak, it makes you a stronger person so that you are able to look past all the hurt and pain and still at least recognize her as a person. As far as weak, shes the weak one. Shes prolly scared to contact you b/c its weighed so far down on her heart. If you reach out to her (being the bigger person), you can let her know that you've forgiven her and have moved on. Y'all don't have to be besties but at least be able to heal what ever wounds were caused. I happy to see that you have grown, and just like me there's still some growing to do.