Last night I decided to try my first roller set. It came out, ummm interesting...
I used Creme of Nature Argan Oil Foaming Wrap Lotion and what I thought was a little bit of olive oil. When I took out the rollers this morning my hair was all types of greasy smh. I guess I didn't need to use the olive oil lol. I was just being cautious because my hair dries out rather quickly. The set didn't take me more than an hour and it wasn't that difficult to do. I do know that I did not pull the hair taught enough and I missed a few pieces of hair. I was a bit scared that my hair wouldn't be dry by morning but it came out semi-straight, soft and bouncy. This is something that I definitely will be revisiting - with a better technique, minus the oil lol.
I figured I could do a little length check since my hair is semi-straight. It won't be long till my hair is bra strap length :D
I am not approachable. I know this. I've written about it More. Than. Once.
A couple of weeks ago while I was home during break, my cousin came over and surprised me. When he came in I was on the phone with a friend so I hung up and said "bye boo." Now if you know me, you know that I throw around boo, baby, lover, love etc. when I'm talking to close friends/family. But since he would have no way of knowing this (we just got re-acquainted over the summer...long story lol) he assumed that I was talking to a male interest. I quickly shut down that notion, stating that I don't even talk to boys. And he was like, "Yeah I know, cuz you keep it that way." And you know what? He's right. I'm alone completely by choice. It's not that I don't want to get to know men or date anyone, because I do. It is more because of the fact that I don't allow for situations to come up. I don't look approachable, which probably scares off dudes, I don't "put myself out there," and I don't put much effort into trying to meet new people. If I don't put out the energy or vibes that say "hey I'm open and friendly, oh and I won't cut you" no one will ever wanna talk to me. I know that I am responsible for the energy that surrounds me. If I don't ever put out the energy that I am actually open and available, nothing will ever change.
I guess I just need to figure out how to go about doing that.
Sometimes I forget that I have the power to control my moods.
Last night I was in a disgustingly horrible mood. I just couldn't stop thinking about how fucked up life is. Then I caught myself. Why the hell should I be sitting around moping around dwelling on how shitty things are when I have the power to change them? Even if I didn't have the power to change my situation, I would still have the power to change my outlook on life. When I got up this morning it seemed like every damn thing pissed me off. What the hell? After I left my 9:25 class something changed. I'm not too sure exactly what happened but I just felt good as hell. And it made me realize something. I should feel this way every damn day. And you know why? BecauseI have that power. I just can't forget it anymore. I can walk around smiling and happy just because I feel like it. And I will.
Side note: I hate, absolutely HATE it when I'm in a great mood and my friends are like "Ooh Shatera, what's wrong? What's up? Why you smiling? What you happy for?"
I hate this for two reasons:
1. What does it say about me that being in a good mood is out of the norm for me? Yeah, kinda sad.
2. Why the fuck are you complaining about me feeling good? Just leave it alone. Let me smile and don't burst my bubble.
Anyway....I am going to try my best to keep a positive attitude. I'm just too damn tired of being miserable.
The video version sounds a little funky so here's another version:
Aaliyah - "Journey to the Past" Anastasia 1997
Lyrics:
Heart, don't fail me now
Courage, don't desert me
Don't turn back
Now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear
Or how a road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...to the past
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams
Just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well, starting here, my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
On this journey...to the past
Heart don't fail me now
Courage don't desert me
Home, Love, Family
There was once a time
I must have had them too
Home, Love, Family
I will never be complete
Until I find you...
One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where
This road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future
Things my heart still
Needs to know
Yes let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
To bring me home...
At last
At last
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
When this song came out I had no idea about it. It wasn't until Aaliyah passed away and everyone was playing her music everywhere that I got acquainted with it. I quickly fell in love and learned all the words. Recently I've fallen in love with it all over again. I'll admit I've even cried listening to this song. I can relate to the lyrics and sentiment of the song. Of course, my life is nothing like Anastasia's - I'm not just finding out that I'm a princess or anything lol. But I do know what it feels like to be lost, disconnected and questioning everything around you. This song is about a person that is lost and rediscovering themselves...kinda like me. I'm trying to make sense of myself and see where I fit into things. Most of the time I feel like I don't know where home is, I'm stuck contemplating who it is I really am and who I am becoming. This journey called life will show me where I belong. We just have to wait and see...
My new hair came as an accident. Last week I decided to do another set of crochet braids and instead of curly hair, I used afro kinky bulk. I wanted a big crazy looking fro, and that is exactly what I ended up with - an entirely too big and scary afro that I couldn't even style. Me and my sister were stuck for a minute but we quickly came up with a plan B. Since we weren't about to waste hair or time, my sister twisted the hair.
I like these twists because of how realistic they are. I've already have quite a few people think that this is my hair lol. I mean, my hair is this length but its not quite the same texture. I plan on keeping these for a few weeks.
Is it weird that it hasn't even been a whole week yet and I miss my hair already? I love doing protective styles, I just end up getting bored or wanting to play with my hair. Hopefully I can resist the urge for a while.
Last night I finally decided to do a straw set on my hair, after saying I was going to do one for theeee longest lol. So after washing and conditioning my hair, I twisted my hair into 10 sections. I probably used about 5-6 straws for each section and the products I used were Cantu shea butter, the pink Eco Styler gel and olive oil. I'm not too sure of how long it took because I had a bunch of breaks. But I think it was somewhere between 2-3 hours. When I took out the straws this afternoon I was very pleased. I separated each piece into 3 sections. My hair was soft, shiny and bouncy. The only issue is that my ends are kind of fuzzy but I think that is because of the way I wrapped the ends of my hair around the straws. Next time I'll have to figure out a better method. Maybe I needed more oil on my ends. Anyway, its not too bad, I still like it :)
I was reading through my blog the other day when I realized that I no longer liked the way it looked. It was kinda blah and boring looking. So I made a few changes. I'm just playing around now so things might be changing soon. Hopefully it's looking a bit more lively.
While I was changing the look around it made me think about how this new look could be symbolic in a way. I usually know when I have a problem. I'll say I'm going to fix it and never do anything about it. But it is time for me to be proactive. I'm tired of just thinking about doing things, I need to actually do them. And this may seem trivial but I feel like one small step can lead the way to bigger and better changes.
I need to learn how to take charge. I'm living my life as a passenger and basically missing out on life because I am too afraid to drive. The only reason that I feel stuck is because I made it that way and I'm comfortable playing the same role I've been playing for years. I can't have this anymore. I know I've said that a gazillion times here on this blog but now I seriously need to step up and do something.
I don't make new year's resolutions because I know I will not follow through. I also believe that I don't need a new year for new beginnings. We should seek growth and positive change throughout the year. But I have a horrible habit of starting things and never finishing. I need to quit that shit, on some seriousness. So I am going to make a list of goals for this year. Simply because I don't wanna feel stuck forever. If I haven't grown at all by the end of this year then I have wasted time. So here are some goals. Some are serious and some are random and frivolous. Some are things that are expected of me and others, things I need to start expecting from myself.
Graduate - this one is a given. I will be walking across that stage on May 20th, 2012. No if ands or buts about it.
Find a job and start working. Somewhere. Who knows where, just some damn where lol
Keep experimenting with my hair.
Incorporate exercise back into my life.
Lose at least 50lbs. 70 is my real goal for December but we'll see what happens.
Spice up my wardrobe. I don't want to buy any more clothes for the size I am now so I probably won't be working on this goal until the warmer months hit. This makes sense since I don't really care about getting cute just to go to class. So after I graduate I'll be singing a different song. Especially if I'm smaller.
Record a video of me singing. And post it...publicly lol
Sing live in front of people...on purpose lol
Experiment with makeup.
Work on my skin problems.
Go on dates. I stay to myself and I don't put myself in situations where I could meet guys. I'm not very open and inviting and if I change my attitude, who knows what else will change. I've been single forever and its because I've kept it that way. I think its time for a change.
Sometimes I think if my environment changes, so will my attitude. But no matter what my environment is, I always seem to feel the same way. The thing is, I need to change me before I can feel better about anything. I need to change the way I feel about myself - how I feel about me & how I percieve me. Because if that doesn't change, it doesn't matter what my circumstances are. I need to feel better about myself because honestly, I can't remember the last time I did.
I, admittedly, have a horrible lack of ambition and drive. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm only slightly worried about that. Guess its because I have faith that things will work out. I don't have any particular goals right now other than graduating. After that...well, I plan on working...somewhere, doing something...not quite sure yet.
As far as my health, I know that I need to lose weight. Its not just an appearance thing but a health concern. I do not need to be this size. Its pretty fucking ridiculous. But in order for me to get in shape and get my shit together I need to get serious and fully commit. And I'm kinda scared to start because I don't think I will stick with it. I know it doesn't make much sense but I know me. I know how I start things and never finish. I don't want to do that, so I avoid it altogether. Horrible, I know.
You know what, I need to write down some of my goals. Maybe if I write shit down I'll be slightly more motivated. Writing things down makes them a bit more real. Hopefully things work out this time. We'll see...
My last wash & go was over the summer and I haven't done that style since, mainly because of the weather. But Friday I knew I had nothing to do so I could sit in the house with wet hair lol. This time around I used some Pantene Pro-V Nature Fusion conditioner as a leave in and my pink Eco Styler Gel. I like the pink one because it has a hold of 7. The stronger holds leaves my hair all kinds of crunchy. But anyway, here's some pics:
Day 1
Day 2
Look at those curls mmmmm :)
Day 4
Looking all crazy and wild...love it! And don't I look like I belong in the wrong decade with this pic? lmaoo
