March 8, 2016

Hey Daddy

Growing up, every night before bed, my father would come to my doorway to give me a hug and a kiss. I remember waking up and seeing him there sometimes because he would randomly check on me and my sister in the middle of the night. He would stand in the doorway just to check to make sure we were alright. Ever since my father passed away, over 11 years ago, from time to time I catch myself staring at the doorway to my bedroom. I guess, hoping that maybe he would appear. I even wake in the middle of the night sometimes and stare at my door. But no Daddy.

This morning, as I was preparing to work out, I was facing my vision board. I started reading some things out loud, trying to motivate myself. After doing some squats (I just started a challenge, gotta get that booty right), I turned around to take a sip of water. I was drawn to my doorway once again. So today, I decided to indulge. Maybe Daddy was there. So I spoke to him.

Hey Daddy. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to get motivated. I know all of the things I need to do to get it together, but when its time to do it, I struggle. It's like I don't really know what I'm doing it for. I was talking to a friend a couple of months ago who told me that he thought I was going through life trying to make you proud. I told him that was absurd, you're not here, how could I make you proud? I'm not living for you. When I think of it though, I'm barely living for me. I know that I need to get my stuff together. But for me. What would it benefit you? I know you're still around, but not physically. So I don't want to make you proud. Maybe I should do it for me. Because the more I think about it, doing it for me is doing it for you. Because you get to live on through me. 42 is so young. I know you did a lot, but there was so much more you could've done. You didn't get a chance to live at your highest potential. But you can through me. Because you live on through me. So I guess I was wrong this whole time. I have to do better. For me. For you too.

Me and my sister are still Brian's girls. I carry him with me. So its time I do right by him by doing right by me.

Before my JHS prom, June 2004

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