Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently. A letter to someone who broke your heart.

No one has hurt me recently. Sooo, yeahhh.....

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

I made this poster last year but never printed it out and put it up. Oh well.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.

I wanted to create a space where I could rant and talk about my life. I don't do many interesting things so this blog was created mainly for me. I decided to name it "Just Me" because that's exactly what it is - just me, Shatera, trying to make sense out of my life. It may sound corny but I'm a simple person so it works for me. 

Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

Yeah that's me as a baby, with the same pensive face I make now.



Sometimes I wonder if I was ever happy...

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.

Closeness.

Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

This picture is two years old. Both my sister and mother have since gone natural but we haven't taken any pictures together yet. So this one will have to do...

Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.

I don't think a day goes by that I don't profess my love for chocolate men. Chocolate skin is just so damn sexy to me and sometimes I catch myself staring at chocolate people. It is a known fact that chocolate makes me weak, especially dark chocolate *shudders*

I've mentioned the actor Lance Gross and all his chocolaty goodness before, so this is nothing new :)

Source

Source

Mmmmm, yeahhh. Just how I like it. Oh the things I'd do to him...

*wipes drool off chin*

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

My phone charger. Unfortunately, my phone has the tendency to just randomly die, so I always have to be prepared.

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

I don't watch TV now that I'm at school.

But over the summer I was addicted to True Blood, as usual lol.

Sooo, let's take out some time to drool over Alcide Herveaux, a sexy ass werewolf.

Source

Source

 Mmmm, yum :)

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

I don't have a favorite artist right now so I'll just go with my default: Raheem DeVaughn.

I love his music. I love what he stands for. I love his energy. I love his live performances. I love that he loves his fans. If you know me, you know this already, so I'll end it there.

Me & Raheem after his show at BBKings on 11/29/10

Here's one of my favorite songs by him, "Lovaholic" from Urban Ave 31's second independent album The Antidote - The Healing Pt2. I think it came out around 2003. Yeah, I took it back :)

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.

I live in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn, directly across the street from Bushwick and down the block from Williamsburg lmao

Source

This is the Manhattan bound J or M train with Woodhull Hospital in the background. This picture was taken right down the block from my house.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?

I don't wear makeup often and when I do it is very basic. Mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss. That's it. As a matter of fact, I don't even own a makeup bag lmaoo.

Here's a picture of the first time I got "made up."

Pretty simple.

Me and my sis :)

Scribbles...

I randomly found this scribbled on a paper in one of my folders...

I miss having someone to kiss.
Someone to hold.
Someone just to be there.
Someone to make me feel like I'm not alone in the world.
Someone to share my life with.
I'm tired of saying this.
So what am I to do?


S.S.D.D.

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

I don't have a favorite restaurant. I don't go out to eat much. When I do it's usually  to some chain restaurant or a diner. Good food and good company is all I require :)

Here's a pic of me and my sister at a diner last August.

Damn, I'm starting to miss having my hair out looking at these old pics lol.

Hold On

Xscape - "Hold On" from Traces of My Lipstick 1998

I love this song. Its  just so soothing and tender. It has a sweetness to it.
Close your eyes and just listen. Do you feel that?
Mmmm I do :)

That's What I Need

SWV "That's What I Need" from It's About Time 1992

(Verse 1)
I need someone who I can share all my dreams with
That's what I need
Someone special, who will love me just for me
That's what I need
I need someone to hold me tight
To give good loving all night
So many times I've opened up my heart
Only to have someone tear it apart
That's why I need...

(Chorus)
Someone to treat me right, make love all through the night
That's what I need
 I've been hurt before
Real love I'm looking for
That's what I need

(Verse 2)
I need someone who will never leave me lonely
That's what I need
Someone faithful, who'll love me as their one and only
That's what I need.
I need someone to share my ups and downs
And even through the bad times, will always be around
So many times I've opened up my heart,
Only to have someone tear it apart. I need...

(Chorus)





I love this song. It speaks directly to me. Plus, I miss 90's music. It's About Time is still one of my favorite albums ♥

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

I haven't bought anything in a while but by the end of the week I will finally get paid. Yes, my first paycheck of the semester smh. Anyway, I plan on buying a few things, one of them being these boots:

Source

The Best of Me

Mýa - "The Best of Me" from Fear of Flying 2000

I've always loved this song. Sometimes I catch myself listening to it on repeat, over and over and over. It was always just a song, now its a bit more. Especially Verse 2...

So busy trying to play with my head

Telling me how he could blow my mind

Something about the things that he said

Made me want to take it there one time

I should be walking away

Cause his hands up on my thigh

Should I leave, should I stay?

After all it’s just one night

I'm so curious but I can't let that get the best of me. Regardless of my situation, I can't let my loneliness rule me. I would be a fool to let you occupy my space. Even if temporarily - it won't be worth it and I'd be wasting my time. No matter how good it might feel at that moment. That wont be enough. I just know it.

I guess I'll just always wonder...

Sometimes I Cry

Eric Benét - "Sometimes I Cry" from Lost in Time 2010

I played this song at least 6 times in a row today. Eric Benet just does something to me and this song has made me cry numerous times in the past. The amount of emotion he injects into the song plus the fact that its a  live recording just makes me an emotional mess when I listen to it. (Anddd he got the nerve to be crying all throughout the video. The nerve of him! lmao).

I felt inspired...

sometimes I cry

not because you're gone

but because I am

where have I been?

what have I become?

a shell

lonely, unable to connect with others

no, I don't blame you

I blame me

for not seeing sooner

its ok to love

its ok to smile

its ok to be happy

its ok to let people in

too bad I just don't know how...

I've cut myself off from the world. Its been so long since I've been with someone, I'm not even sure if I would know what to do with myself if someone showed interest. I complain about not having intimacy but the truth is the thought of it scares me. I haven't had to be close to anyone like that in almost 4 years. That's a long time to be alone. That's a long time to feel isolated and forgotten.

Escaping Won't Help

Sometimes I just want to escape. I just want to run away and abandon everything. But where would I go? What would I do? Running away isn't a feasible solution to my problems. It won't solve anything. But sometimes I wish I was just somewhere else, living my life the way I wish it was now. Of course I could change my life into what I would like it to be but I guess escaping just sounds easier.


Most of the time when I feel like escaping, I turn to music. I just ran an errand which would take all of 10 minutes out of my life. I took an extra 15 minutes to walk slow, listen to my music and reflect on life. Sometimes I scare myself when I go places that I don't ever allow myself to go. I need to do it more often. My life would be so different, if only I would let it.

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.

My mood has been up and down all day. One moment I'm smiling and laughing, the next I feel like crying. I've been this way for the past month and I really don't know what's going on. My emotions have been all over the place and most of the time I feel like this...



Ledisi - "Lost and Found" from Lost and Found 2007

I've posted this video before with the lyrics and  how I felt they matched my life exactly.

They still do.

As I was doing my daily blog reading, I came across this picture.

Source

What a coincidence...

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

Source

I'm not big on huge, flashy weddings. When I was young I didn't sit around daydreaming about what my wedding was gonna be like. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I basically want to have a family gathering. I'm more interested in the reception than the wedding. I just want a bunch of food and both of our families laughing and dancing and coming together to celebrate our union. As far as my dress, cake and the color scheme and all that shit - I can care less at this point. When the time comes I'll worry about it. As long as I'm surrounded by love, I think I'll be just fine with whatever my wedding looks like.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Ummm, about 18 of these little creatures.

Source

Source

Source

Yup, ferrets.


Only five people are gonna get this reference and I'm not gonna explain :p

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

I was hoping on finding a picture from October 2009 but I couldn't find a picture from exactly 2 years ago so here's two from around that time.

September 2009

November 2009

I kinda miss having shorter hair...

I Think Of You and Smile

I look into your eyes,

hoping they will say something different.

I stare at your lips,

wishing they will tell me what I want to hear.

Time stands still.

I wait patiently.

Nothing.

I’m alone.

I stare into the sky asking for a sign.

Reassurance.

Peace.

But I don’t find it.

The stars lie to me.

I’m amazed at their wonder.

Mystery.

Depth.

The constellations tell me stories.

Of past loves.

And future encounters.

Waiting for me.

I think of you and smile. 

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Here's a picture of my sister Shante holding me when I was a newborn. I love this picture because it makes me think about the progression of our relationship over the years. I say this all the time, she's my favorite person and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Ok, I'm done with all the mushiness lmaoo

Sweet Lady

Tyrese - "Sweet Lady" from Tyrese 1998

I don’t think I could EVER get tired of this song. It just mmmmmm, feels so damn good...does something to me every time :)

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

I'm a pretty simple person so I don't need much to impress me. I don't need to go to some fancy restaurant or anything like that. I would be cool with taking a walk, getting something to eat and ending the night talking and vibing out to some good music. Maybe watching a movie. Yeah, that's it. I don't require much.

It's Ok :)

I spent a good chunk of my day alone. I just didn't feel like interacting with people. While sitting alone in a public area I did some reading and the work that went with it. I was listening to some of my favorite music and the sun shined on my face. I smiled ridiculously hard. I didn't care who saw. A couple of hours later I was walking through campus trying to find something to eat and a song I love came on. I had the urge to kick off my shoes, take of my clothes, lift up my hands and dance in the sunlight. But of course I didn't. Its not all that socially acceptable to just be dancing outside in your underwear. But what I found interesting was that while I was feeling so good and resisting the urge to dance, I noticed something about myself. Most of the time I try to mask how I'm feeling and I don't like to publicly show my happy moments. Even if its simply smiling and clapping when I'm enjoying myself at a show. There's something wrong with that.


I randomly came across this quote today when I was searching for something totally irrelevant to it lol.

Source

I do way more complaining than appreciating. I have plenty of beautiful things in my life yet I can't see past my problems long enough to recognize them. Just the other day I felt like I had no joy; I was walking around like a zombie, detached from the world. I do have joy. I just needed to recognize that its within me. And there's nothing wrong with me showing it. It's actually a great feeling :)

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

Sooo I have no picture, ooopssss lol. I didn't read what the challenge was until just now and I've already had breakfast, lunch and dinner. So here's a picture of a big ass cookie that I have no business eating. Lol

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was

Today was kinda interesting. There was no classes so I ended up wasting a bunch of time. I woke up, went to Stop & Shop and McDonald's then spent a few hours in a computer lab doing a bunch of nothing. Then I went out for wing night at McGillicuddy's and ended up back in a computer lab afterward lol. I'm pretty sure the rest of the night will be a combination of work and procrastination.

I took this pic while I was getting dressed this afternoon.

Yes randomness lol

30 Day Challenge Part II

I just came across another 30 Day Challenge and since I haven't been blogging all that much lately, I figured ehh, what the hell?
 

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.

Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.

Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently. A letter to someone who broke my heart.

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

Day 25 – What’s in your purse?

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

Cop Out Pt. II

I don't feel attractive. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel like I'm at a place where I could comfortably be with someone else. Yeah you can argue that having somebody might boost my self esteem but I see plenty of faults in that argument. If I don't want me, no one will want me. If I'm miserable I'll attract someone that senses that and wants to take advantage of me. That whole TV/movie scenario where a guy comes out of nowhere and is interested in the poor lonely girl that hasn't come out of her shell yet just isn't real to me. As much as I'd like that to be true, it just isn't.

I'm also not interested in being with anyone because lately I have been miserable. How can I bring joy to your life if I don't have any of my own? Also I just don't feel good about myself right now. I don't feel like I'm attractive and if I don't already think I'm the shit how can I expect someone else to? If I ever mention my weight or unhealthy I am, the response I always get is to do something about it. I hate that response. I mean duuuhhh, of course I have to do something about it...that's why I'm talking about it. But telling me "oh just go to the gym" or "just don't eat that" doesn't work, isn't motivating and is just a waste of breath. I have to actually be about it. And that's something I know that I need to do on my own, without discussing it with people that have absolutely no understanding of what I'm going through. But I guess that's my fault for bringing it up. Anyway, back to what I was saying...

I don't have my shit together and I'm not saying that I ever fully will. I just don't feel comfortable pursuing someone when I don't feel happy in my own skin. Yeah, having someone might change my perspective and make me feel better about life. But I don't wanna risk the chance of fucking up a situation because of my unhappiness. Maybe that makes sense, maybe that was just a ramble...oh well, whatever.



Oh yeah...I forgot about ending on a positive note. Hmmm ok...here's another song that I'm absolutely in love with. Kinda a crush song too, now that I think about it lol
Stars Align - Rochelle Jordan ♥

   13 Stars Align by rochelle jordan rojo

Cop Out

When it comes to the opposite sex, most of the time I am completely lost. I haven't had to interact with a dude in a very long time and sometimes I feel as though I don't even know what to do or say in certain situations. When it comes to liking people, I am the absolute worst at it. I don't allow myself to crush on people and when I do, I don't ever tell that person how I feel. Part of it is out of fear of rejection while the other part is that most of the time, I don't want to become a part of that person's life. I don't see how I could fit and I don't try to. Now I know this sounds like the most punk-like behavior but what is wrong with liking someone from afar?

Recently I have discovered that I kinda sorta like someone, maybe just a little bit....only on Tuesdays. My friends say that I am a pussy for not approaching him and saying something. But if I don't get a clear sign that someone likes me, I don't do anything with the situation. My friends are like but won't you have the "what ifs" in the back of your mind if you never say anything? And my answer is yes. Of course I will. I have a million what ifs from "what if I woulda ordered a turkey sandwich instead of salami" or "what if I had wore my red shirt instead of purple." I have the most trivial what ifs ever and if I add "what if I woulda told him" to it, it wont make much of a difference. I over-think every damn thing and this would be just one more thing added to my list. Maybe this is me just being a pussy or extra cautious. Who knows. But if the opportunity does not present itself, I wont try to create one. That's just how I operate. I am not a go getter, its just not in my nature. I know this sounds like a cop out but, shit, maybe it just is.

I've been playing 'Fallin' by Rochelle Jordan nonstop lately. I'm completely in love with this song and it is a perfect crush song ♥

04 Fallin by rochelle jordan rojo

Crochet Braids Pt. III

Over the weekend me and my sister put in my third set of crochet braids. I decided to use a looser curl pattern this time and it is quite different from what I'm used to. I used Freetress Gogo Curl in colors #1B/30 and #2. After putting it in, I wasn't all that happy with it. The color is a bit too dark for me and after this I will not be buying #1B anything lol. I do like the highlights and how you can see splashes of #2 that lighten the hair up a bit. Initially, I was not feeling the shape and cut but after my sister cut it I liked it much better. Also, its already a little bit fuzzy and its only 2 days old. I don't really mind the fuzz but I can tell that I won't be keeping this in for more than 3 weeks. I like the big curly hair and the looser curls are cute, it just has to grow on me a bit. I'll have updates later :)

Pt.1 Pt.2