October 5, 2011

Cop Out Pt. II

I don't feel attractive. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel like I'm at a place where I could comfortably be with someone else. Yeah you can argue that having somebody might boost my self esteem but I see plenty of faults in that argument. If I don't want me, no one will want me. If I'm miserable I'll attract someone that senses that and wants to take advantage of me. That whole TV/movie scenario where a guy comes out of nowhere and is interested in the poor lonely girl that hasn't come out of her shell yet just isn't real to me. As much as I'd like that to be true, it just isn't.

I'm also not interested in being with anyone because lately I have been miserable. How can I bring joy to your life if I don't have any of my own? Also I just don't feel good about myself right now. I don't feel like I'm attractive and if I don't already think I'm the shit how can I expect someone else to? If I ever mention my weight or unhealthy I am, the response I always get is to do something about it. I hate that response. I mean duuuhhh, of course I have to do something about it...that's why I'm talking about it. But telling me "oh just go to the gym" or "just don't eat that" doesn't work, isn't motivating and is just a waste of breath. I have to actually be about it. And that's something I know that I need to do on my own, without discussing it with people that have absolutely no understanding of what I'm going through. But I guess that's my fault for bringing it up. Anyway, back to what I was saying...

I don't have my shit together and I'm not saying that I ever fully will. I just don't feel comfortable pursuing someone when I don't feel happy in my own skin. Yeah, having someone might change my perspective and make me feel better about life. But I don't wanna risk the chance of fucking up a situation because of my unhappiness. Maybe that makes sense, maybe that was just a ramble...oh well, whatever.

Oh yeah...I forgot about ending on a positive note. Hmmm ok...here's another song that I'm absolutely in love with. Kinda a crush song too, now that I think about it lol
Stars Align - Rochelle Jordan ♥

   13 Stars Align by rochelle jordan rojo

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