August 5, 2011

When Will Enough Be Enough?

When I feel like reflecting on my life I come to my blog to read old posts. Like I've said before, this blog is basically my public journal. I have a constant need to talk about how I feel and what's going on in my head and writing it down has helped tremendously. Especially since I can come back and see how I used to feel. The sad part about it is that I've been saying the same shit over and over for the past 2 years. The themes of my blog are so sad and depressing, most of the time I'm surprised when people tell me they've read it. I halfway wish they wouldn't. Then the other half of me is glad someone even slightly gives a shit. I've lived most of my life feeling invisible, unnoticed, insignificant. And I've always had a strange relationship with that feeling. While I like that I've kept to myself and no one has ever really cared enough to bother me, at the same time, I've always wished just someone would notice me. Just a little bit. But then if someone does, I don't know what to do with it. I've had quite a few awkward encounters with people that come up to me telling that they like an article or poem that I've written. I'm flattered yet freaked out that they even cared enough to read it. Anyway, I just went on a crazy tangent so back to the what I was trying to say...

A few days ago I was talking to a friend and I mentioned that I haven't been talking to anybody lately. She instantly picked up that I was in a funk. I commented that I know that how I feel can be changed based on me, regardless of my circumstances, yet I can't seem to overcome this state of being that I have been in for what seems like forever.

When am I gonna stop and realize that this feeling is not normal??? That I truly do have the power to change my outlook on life? That how I'm treating myself is unhealthy? That my life can change drastically if I just try?

The thing is, I'm used to being me. I've become accustomed and complacent with my life and how I live it. That's my usual excuse. And it is hard to change how you think and act when you've been stuck just being yourself since...forever. The other day I read a letter that I wrote to myself in the 8th grade and you know what? I was singing the same ole sad song that I still sing today. How fucking sad? No really, how fucking sad is that?

Honestly, I'm tired. But obviously not tired enough to truly commit to making necessary changes in my life. I talk about it entirely too much. Now's the time to actually be about it.

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