Earlier today a friend mentioned to me that she wanted to lose 10 pounds and I nonchalantly mentioned my desire to lose 80 pounds. She kept talking then stopped and said "WHAT?!?!?" According to her I look fine and would look funny if I lost too much weight. While this was flattering, its far from the truth. I love my curves and I feel as though my body fits me BUT I have gained entirely too much weight. At my smallest I was around 180 and that size wasn't too small for me. I set my goal to around that weight because at that size I still was shapely. I don't want to be skinny. I just don't wanna be fat anymore. Deadass. When I say I'm fat my friends are like "oh noo girl you're just fine, what you talking about?" But the thing is all they're doing is looking at me. I have to BE me, constantly, all day, everyday. And when I say I need to lose weight, shit I fucking mean it! It doesn't help me if you avoid the issue and sugarcoat shit. I don't want that. I am overweight. I know and accept that and strangely the people around me can't quite seem to do the same. Whatever....
Also I'm slightly pissed because as soon as I started working out on a regular basis I injured my knee -__- I've been scared to go back to the gym because I still don't know the status of my knee. At times it hurts and becomes stiff. I don't wanna risk any further damage. But shit I'm losing out on precious time. That's cool though, I said there's no rush right? I just gotta take my time...
April 29, 2011
April 8, 2011
Pinched Face Lady
On my search for natural remedies for my constant fight with acne I came across Crunchy Betty's blog. I instantly fell in love...I spent about 2 1/2 hours reading through the old posts. I was quite amazed with all the homemade recipes for skin/hair/hygiene there are, but that's not the focus of this blog (I'll revisit this soon though, I've made a few changes in my skincare in the past month). I came across a random post entitled Pinched Face Lady and while reading it i got a bit upset. I was forced to look at myself and how and why I choose to do the things I do. I didn't like what I saw. The story behind Crunchy Betty's blog was that a woman was asked to ride a bus in Aspen but opted out because she refused to ever ride on a bus. While wearing a fur and acting uppity, the other tourists carried on and enjoyed themselves while she stayed behind, alone. Because she held on to her convictions she missed out on what could've been a great experience.
While I am definitely not a snob, I do hold on to my convictions a bit too tight. I'll happily support someone else in their crazy experiences but I don't join in, just watch. lately I've been trying to change how I look at things and stop looking in from the outside and actually do shit. I literally have to stop myself and say "Shatera, what the fuck is wrong with you? Just do it. What's the worst that can happen?" I briefly think of any negative outcome and say "fuck it," if I make an ass of myself the only opinion that matters is mine and it won't be a big deal if I don't make it one. While I am not interested in making a fool of myself, sometimes its necessary. And if I don't allow myself to fuck up, how will I ever learn or actually live? I recently touched on this topic but its obviously a recurring theme in my life lol.
I've been trying. Last month I went to Johnny Utah's and rode the mechanical bull. Which was completely out of my comfort zone. But I sucked it up and did it. And you know what? I enjoyed it. I'll do it again. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me oh yeah you better believe it was a struggle. How sad. Its cool though. I'm growing, one experience at a time.
While I am definitely not a snob, I do hold on to my convictions a bit too tight. I'll happily support someone else in their crazy experiences but I don't join in, just watch. lately I've been trying to change how I look at things and stop looking in from the outside and actually do shit. I literally have to stop myself and say "Shatera, what the fuck is wrong with you? Just do it. What's the worst that can happen?" I briefly think of any negative outcome and say "fuck it," if I make an ass of myself the only opinion that matters is mine and it won't be a big deal if I don't make it one. While I am not interested in making a fool of myself, sometimes its necessary. And if I don't allow myself to fuck up, how will I ever learn or actually live? I recently touched on this topic but its obviously a recurring theme in my life lol.
I've been trying. Last month I went to Johnny Utah's and rode the mechanical bull. Which was completely out of my comfort zone. But I sucked it up and did it. And you know what? I enjoyed it. I'll do it again. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me oh yeah you better believe it was a struggle. How sad. Its cool though. I'm growing, one experience at a time.
April 7, 2011
My Gym PSA
Don't mention the gym to me. Don't ask me to go with you. Don't ask me what my progress is or how I'm doing. Don't bother me at all. If you see me in sweats don't say anything. Just let me be. The more people ask me about it or talk to me about it, the least I wanna do it.
This is a personal journey. Unless I bring it up, there's no need in discussing it. I don't plan on posting on Facebook about being at the gym every five seconds or tweeting how many calories I'm burning. For what? I don't want your approval, I don't want your acceptance, I want nothing. Just let me be and go on this journey by myself. That's the only way its gonna work. Once everyone is in my face asking questions and saying shit I lose motivation.
Of course you can say, "but aren't you blogging about it? Doesn't that bring attention to it?" And my response to that is yup, feel free to read about it but if you see me I don't wanna hear about it. Call me weird, whatever. If this is how I have to commit to it, that's what I'll do.
This is a personal journey. Unless I bring it up, there's no need in discussing it. I don't plan on posting on Facebook about being at the gym every five seconds or tweeting how many calories I'm burning. For what? I don't want your approval, I don't want your acceptance, I want nothing. Just let me be and go on this journey by myself. That's the only way its gonna work. Once everyone is in my face asking questions and saying shit I lose motivation.
Of course you can say, "but aren't you blogging about it? Doesn't that bring attention to it?" And my response to that is yup, feel free to read about it but if you see me I don't wanna hear about it. Call me weird, whatever. If this is how I have to commit to it, that's what I'll do.
April 5, 2011
Frustrated
So I went to the gym today. Before going I expected to do 30 min, maybe 45 on my fave machine. I've done it before, no biggie. Boy was I wrong! I only lasted 18 minutes until I got dizzy, nauseous and lost circulation to my legs. I tried to make it to 20 min but I just couldn't. I felt like shit. Disappointed, embarrassed, sad. Am I really that out of shape??? I barely passed a mile. Ugh that shit is frustrating. But I guess its expected. When was the last time I actually worked out? Probably last November, and it was only once. Its cool I guess, I'll just keep coming back until 18 min is just my warm up.
I have to keep reminding myself that this is a process. I won't go from never working out to running marathons in one week. It just doesn't work that way. So I'll try not to be disappointed if I can't do as much as I'd like at first.
I have to keep reminding myself that this is a process. I won't go from never working out to running marathons in one week. It just doesn't work that way. So I'll try not to be disappointed if I can't do as much as I'd like at first.
April 4, 2011
I Might Be Obsessed But I Don't Care
I love the movie Love & Basketball. Ok that's a lie. I'm mildly obsessed with Love & Basketball. I have been since I was 10 and it just won't go away lol. I have this loserish, stalkerlike relationship with things that I truly love. When I first saw Raheem DeVaughn perform live on TV I had to have his CD. And once I was exposed to his music, there was no stopping me. I did extensive research finding out any and everything that I could about him and his music. Very similar to how I acted when Love & Basketball entered my life. I could remember the excitement I felt when I first saw the trailer on TV. I told my sister that I HAD to go see it. And we did. Twice. Then the VHS came out and I made sure my father bought it for me. I watched it so much that my sister hid it from me. But once the DVD was released I bought it with my own money and I made sure that no one could hide it from me lol.
Last night my homie Mocha made fun of me because I told her that I read the script the other day. I accepted it. I am a proud L&B fanatic. That movie makes me smile uncontrollably. There's no shame in my game. I often hear that this is a corny movie to choose as your favorite, its a typical Black movie that gets too much play. I disagree. I have specific reasons as to why I love this movie. I can't quite explain how it touches me. Honestly, to me, this film is perfect (well except for the crappy voice overs during Q & Monica's one on one game but whatever, I'm over it lmao). And I didn't choose this movie as my favorite. As corny as this sounds, it chose me. Some movies lose their power and wonderfulness by each time I watch them. But L&B never gets old; I find something new to love about it every time I watch.
I mainly love this movie because of the character development. You can see how Monica and Quincy grow over the years and how believable they are. I don't feel like I'm watching a movie, I feel like I'm peeking into their lives. I'm not a sports person, I actually can't stand sports lmao. So mainly its the emotion that draws me in. Gina Prince-Bythewood tells such a unique story. It's more than a love story, its more than just a retelling of how women struggled with inequality within basketball (this is a big chunk of the movie if you notice how Q is treated vs. Monica and how there was no WNBA & women had to go overseas to play). It intertwines both into a beautiful combination. Also I loooove the music throughout lol. Each selection was perfect for this film.
So here's a couple clips from my favorite part of the movie (I couldn't find what I wanted in one clip so for the first video just skip to 2:45). I love the Spring Dance because of the intensity Monica and Q share towards the end and Q's obvious attraction to Monica. Afterwards when they speak, his jealousy is apparent. But of course the love scene was always my favorite part from this section (I was a fresh little girl, any glimpse of sex I could peek at, I tried to. But shhhh don't tell my Mama lmaoo). However, this scene is about more than just sex. Their interaction is sweet and tender, filled with love...simply beautiful :)
Last night my homie Mocha made fun of me because I told her that I read the script the other day. I accepted it. I am a proud L&B fanatic. That movie makes me smile uncontrollably. There's no shame in my game. I often hear that this is a corny movie to choose as your favorite, its a typical Black movie that gets too much play. I disagree. I have specific reasons as to why I love this movie. I can't quite explain how it touches me. Honestly, to me, this film is perfect (well except for the crappy voice overs during Q & Monica's one on one game but whatever, I'm over it lmao). And I didn't choose this movie as my favorite. As corny as this sounds, it chose me. Some movies lose their power and wonderfulness by each time I watch them. But L&B never gets old; I find something new to love about it every time I watch.
I mainly love this movie because of the character development. You can see how Monica and Quincy grow over the years and how believable they are. I don't feel like I'm watching a movie, I feel like I'm peeking into their lives. I'm not a sports person, I actually can't stand sports lmao. So mainly its the emotion that draws me in. Gina Prince-Bythewood tells such a unique story. It's more than a love story, its more than just a retelling of how women struggled with inequality within basketball (this is a big chunk of the movie if you notice how Q is treated vs. Monica and how there was no WNBA & women had to go overseas to play). It intertwines both into a beautiful combination. Also I loooove the music throughout lol. Each selection was perfect for this film.
So here's a couple clips from my favorite part of the movie (I couldn't find what I wanted in one clip so for the first video just skip to 2:45). I love the Spring Dance because of the intensity Monica and Q share towards the end and Q's obvious attraction to Monica. Afterwards when they speak, his jealousy is apparent. But of course the love scene was always my favorite part from this section (I was a fresh little girl, any glimpse of sex I could peek at, I tried to. But shhhh don't tell my Mama lmaoo). However, this scene is about more than just sex. Their interaction is sweet and tender, filled with love...simply beautiful :)
I Gotta Be
This is one of my favorite songs, like in life. Definitely my favorite Jagged Edge song, hands down. Its just so tender and I love how they sing, the words...this all add up to an ooh feeling that affects me on a physical level. I've had shivers listening to this song. It may sound weird but when I say I connect to my music, I mean it. This song feels so fucking good. Whenever I listen and the song ends I always wish I could have just a few more seconds. I can never play this song just once. When it ends, it leaves me feeling like ahhhh, wishing, hoping, if only....
Random but I hadn't ever seen this version of the video until a couple of years ago. The version I remember featured Destiny's Child throughout the video. I found an acceptable version but it cut off the first verse so here's the old version, its a bit crappy but its what I remember :)
I Gotta Be from Jagged Edge's 1997 A Jagged Era
Random but I hadn't ever seen this version of the video until a couple of years ago. The version I remember featured Destiny's Child throughout the video. I found an acceptable version but it cut off the first verse so here's the old version, its a bit crappy but its what I remember :)
I Gotta Be from Jagged Edge's 1997 A Jagged Era
My Game Plan
Motivation
- I'm starting to not like what I see when I look in the mirror
- I always hated shopping, now I really hate shopping
- I have potential to be 10x sexier than this
- I'm out of shape. Working out can help my endurance and performance for other physical activities (get your mind out of the gutter!)
- I recall dreading going to gym class in HS but I ALWAYS felt better afterwards. Its definitely a stress reliever.
- This is something that I can do, I just choose not to - that's stupid of me
Goal
Right now I'm a size 16 or 18 depending on the brand. I weigh around 250 but since I'm 5ft9 with a very shapely frame most people cant tell that I weigh this much. Well I do. Interestingly enough, I have to convince people of that lmao. Anyway, at my smallest I was a size 11/12, weighing around 185. Shit, that was quite a few pounds ago...anyway my goal would be to get at least to 180 by the end of 2011. That would mean I would try to lose around 10lbs a month. I'm not in a rush to get skinny, I actually have no desire to be skinny. I can't see myself past a size 10 - that's my limit lol. Also, this goal is realistic because it leaves me room to take my time, fuck up, slack off - whatever. I don't plan on going at this vigorously, I wanna take my time.
Game Plan
Food - Trying to eat healthy on this campus is hard as shit. Especially when you want something quick and easy. I honestly don't plan on changing too much of my diet. I'm gonna drink more water, stay away from sweets, try to limit my fried food intake and attempt to eat less ice cream (even though its soooo yummy smh). Plus I need to eat breakfast, it makes a huge difference with me. Oh yeah and portion control.
Physical activities - For now I only plan on doing cardio. Eventually I'll go back to weight training - its been a while for me lol. I plan on going to the gym at least 3 days a week. Maybe I'll do some conditioning in my room too. Hmm...
- I'm starting to not like what I see when I look in the mirror
- I always hated shopping, now I really hate shopping
- I have potential to be 10x sexier than this
- I'm out of shape. Working out can help my endurance and performance for other physical activities (get your mind out of the gutter!)
- I recall dreading going to gym class in HS but I ALWAYS felt better afterwards. Its definitely a stress reliever.
- This is something that I can do, I just choose not to - that's stupid of me
Goal
Right now I'm a size 16 or 18 depending on the brand. I weigh around 250 but since I'm 5ft9 with a very shapely frame most people cant tell that I weigh this much. Well I do. Interestingly enough, I have to convince people of that lmao. Anyway, at my smallest I was a size 11/12, weighing around 185. Shit, that was quite a few pounds ago...anyway my goal would be to get at least to 180 by the end of 2011. That would mean I would try to lose around 10lbs a month. I'm not in a rush to get skinny, I actually have no desire to be skinny. I can't see myself past a size 10 - that's my limit lol. Also, this goal is realistic because it leaves me room to take my time, fuck up, slack off - whatever. I don't plan on going at this vigorously, I wanna take my time.
Game Plan
Food - Trying to eat healthy on this campus is hard as shit. Especially when you want something quick and easy. I honestly don't plan on changing too much of my diet. I'm gonna drink more water, stay away from sweets, try to limit my fried food intake and attempt to eat less ice cream (even though its soooo yummy smh). Plus I need to eat breakfast, it makes a huge difference with me. Oh yeah and portion control.
Physical activities - For now I only plan on doing cardio. Eventually I'll go back to weight training - its been a while for me lol. I plan on going to the gym at least 3 days a week. Maybe I'll do some conditioning in my room too. Hmm...
April 3, 2011
Looking Back
April 1, 2011
Doin' Just Fine
I'm in the middle of pulling yet another all nighter for no damn reason smh. I usually listen to pandora to get me through the night but I needed something a bit different. Anyway, while listening to like 40 songs on Youtube I came across 'Doin' Just Fine' by Boyz II Men and ooooh I loooove this song. I remember when it came out when I instantly fell in love with it. Just felt the need to share :)
I love the music, their harmony, the different storylines, the scenery...just beautiful. Plus I love how Wanya always ends Boyz II Men songs with all his dramatic oversinging and excessive runs lmao. But its perfect just the way it is. Gotta love you some 90s music :)
I love the music, their harmony, the different storylines, the scenery...just beautiful. Plus I love how Wanya always ends Boyz II Men songs with all his dramatic oversinging and excessive runs lmao. But its perfect just the way it is. Gotta love you some 90s music :)
Curls!
Last month I wrote a post, To Weave or Not To Weave? where I discussed my doubts and feelings about getting a weave. Well my birthday came along and shortly after I was back in Brooklyn for Spring Break to celebrate. I had already decided to get a weave by that point so my only issue was trying to find hair. And oh man, was that a hassle! I was looking for a specific kind of curl and it seemed like none of the stores that I was going to had anything close to what I wanted. I didn't want tight coils or loose curls and its kinda hard finding something in the middle. And when I finally did find what I was looking for, it was too short. But luckily my lovely sister spotted this hair on a mannequin and practically forced me to buy it lmao. So far I'm definitely feeling it :)
So here's a few pictures I took playing around on the Mac in the Fahari office lol.
I gotta say I'm loving these curls! And every day I get around 10-15 compliments, no lie lol. While I'm flattered by them, I still feel a little funny constantly being complimented. And what really baffles me is how many people think that this is my hair. I mean if I wanted to, I could style my hair like this but I would not have all these damn curls or this length. Also, having all of this on my head is a bit of excitement towards my anticipation for when I'll have a big ass fro of my own. I give myself 2 years to get my hair to be this big. It'll probably come sooner than that but I don't wanna reach too far lol. I'm really loving the low maintenance that this hair requires but honestly, I miss my hair. Plus it feels better when I style my hair cute and get compliments. But ehh, whatever. People love this abundance of curls on my head....and so do I :)
So here's a few pictures I took playing around on the Mac in the Fahari office lol.
I gotta say I'm loving these curls! And every day I get around 10-15 compliments, no lie lol. While I'm flattered by them, I still feel a little funny constantly being complimented. And what really baffles me is how many people think that this is my hair. I mean if I wanted to, I could style my hair like this but I would not have all these damn curls or this length. Also, having all of this on my head is a bit of excitement towards my anticipation for when I'll have a big ass fro of my own. I give myself 2 years to get my hair to be this big. It'll probably come sooner than that but I don't wanna reach too far lol. I'm really loving the low maintenance that this hair requires but honestly, I miss my hair. Plus it feels better when I style my hair cute and get compliments. But ehh, whatever. People love this abundance of curls on my head....and so do I :)
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