Weakness

Sometimes I wish I was weak so that I could give in to these temptations that pop up. Yeah I know its good to say no, especially when everything is telling me that is the right choice. But a little part of me wants to say yes. I want to allow this man to have his way with me. I want to actually enjoy the company of someone who wants to do the same. But it can't happen. Not with him, not now. But it feels good to be wanted. Luckily I'm not weak and I wont give in, but damn wouldn't it be good if I did? Only temporarily of course. It would only last for a little while then I will go right back to feeling alone. Being alone. I know better than to give in to my desires, I'll hold on to them for now. Its unrealistic to think anything good could come out of it. So I'll just avoid it, as usual. I'll just stay feeling this way.

December 2010

Outstanding - Gap Band

I looove this song :)

Alone

2:24 AM    2.11.11

I don't feel alone because I'm single. Actually that's not even on my priority list. The main reason I feel alone is because I feel as though no one understands me. Even those closest to me actually have no clue about how I truly feel. Its as if no one can even understand my essence. I know that I can be to blame for this as well. I'm very much antisocial. While I enjoy the company of others, most of the time I close myself off from people and the world. Perhaps its because I feel as though no one would understand me even if they tried.
Also, there is so much about me I love while there are plenty of things that need to be changed. Lately when I look at pictures of me, I no longer recognize that person in the picture. What the fuck is going on with me? And I don't just mean my appearance. Yes I need to lose weight, would like better skin and shit like that but that's not what I mean. I no longer see the least bit of a glimpse of happiness within myself. Usually I just go with the motions and live my life like that but lately this has become unsuccessful. Things cant continue this way. I need not complain about being single or being unhappy - that's no longer an issue. I need to improve myself inside and out. This will be my new main focus. I can't continue living like this. The only problem is that I lack motivation. I have to change the way I think before I even try to change the things I do.

Purpose

I just finished glancing at a couple of my posts and damn, I get very personal here. But that's because this blog is for me. For me to write down how I feel in an attempt to keep my sanity. I don't write for others to read this and say "ooh Shatera I loved your blog." That would be cool but that's not the purpose. Most of the time I just need a place to release all my feelings & thoughts and sharing them with others is just part of the process. If people happen to relate, that's just a plus.

Random...here's one of my favorite songs. This video has nothing to do with this post. It just happened to be playing in the background as I typed lol.





It just feels so damn good :)

Conforming

I just read my homie Mocha's blog about conforming, which she definitely wrote about me lol. I'm not upset, I know that I do weird things that others don't understand. So I'll explain my stance on conforming.

For as long as I can remember, I've questioned why we do what we do and why society thinks certain things are acceptable. Its interesting that I ended up doing Sociology and Black Studies because they fit right into who I was before I even got to New Paltz. But anyway, back to my rebuttal. I didn't ever like saying the pledge in school because those words don't represent me. I don't like repeating oaths or pledges because I just may not believe in what is written. So why should I say it? When I refuse to clap, stand up, or even sing happy birthday(which I haaaate doing lol) it may seem like I'm being disrespectful. But why should I even do it? Because everyone else is? Because it would be common courtesy? Common courtesy according to who? I should just follow what everyone else is doing because I should? No, not good enough. Its not that I'm trying to be a nonconformist. I just don't like giving energy to things I don't deem significant.

Of course I have to conform in some way anyway. Right now I'm wearing jeans from Old Navy which were mass produced overseas to be sold to countless people all over. I'm pretty sure someone else has these jeans and I didn't have much of a chance to be 'difficult' when I bought them. I had to go to school and be around other people that spoke a bunch of nonsense all the damn time. I didn't like people then and I don't now. I'm different, I know it. And instead of me conforming to being like others I always kept to my damn self. Idk why, just always been that way. Ask my family, I'm the weird defiant one who doesn't agree with anything or anyone. When we go to church I don't like standing when the preacher says to, I don't like clapping when the preacher says to. If I'm not already inclined to clap, I should just because you said so? Sounds like I'm a rude bitch but people only have the power you give them and I like to keep mine. Call me crazy if you wanna. If I don't feel like doing something, most likely I wont. Call me lazy if you wanna. I don't care. I gotta be in agreement with what I choose to do. If it doesn't come to me when I'm being asked, I just wont do it. Sometimes I clap or stand or sing along. But only when I feel it. It's pretty simple to me. But, ehh, whatever.

I Wanna Be Loved

Eric Benet-I Wanna Be Loved

Self Explanatory.

Can You Keep A Secret?

Well I hope so, I'm about to say something that I don't usually own up to.

I like mushy romantic shit. But shhhh its a secret...

Whenever a mushy, romantic, disgustingly sweet thing happens my initial reaction is to saw EWW and immediately denounce ever liking anything like that. It may seem like I hate romance, but I'm starting to think  this is not the case. Its not that I don't like romance, its that I don't know what to do with it. I'm used to being the considerate person. Most times, I go out of my way to think of others in an attempt to be considerate in the way that I would like for others to think of me. But when someone thinks of me too much, I don't know what to do with that feeling. I think if a man wrote me a song, or came up with some extravagant plans I would reject it, not because I don't like the idea of those things, I just don't feel comfortable having someone care that damn much. I know this sounds like a bunch of nonsense but somehow it makes sense to me lol. To be brutally honest, if a man did something extra, extra romantic, my initial reaction would be to cry. I'm not used to people caring that much. Which is sad but I honestly don't expect anyone to give a shit about me and that's how I live my life. I generally go on about my life not expecting beautiful things to happen to me. And when they do I'm so taken aback all I can do is reject the idea of it altogether, or cry. Its just too much for me. Which is probably why I cried last month when my sister surprised me with a Valentine's day card that made me cry.


Its interesting that I react so horrible to romantic things because when it comes to love songs I'm completely the opposite. I love being able to tap into the artist's raw emotions and feeeel them come through in the music. Its one of the best feelings ever. When I listen to 'Aint Nothing But Love' by Vivian Green or 'Believe' by Raheem DeVaughn (Which are my two favorite songs IN LIFE) I close my eyes and oooooh, I'm somewhere else. The truth is, I want a love like that. Since I don't have it and never had it, I don't quite know how to make sense of mushy shit. So I just avoid it altogether because I can't relate.

Here's one of my favorite mushy love songs. Spend My Life With You - Eric Benet ft. Tamia. This song always makes me smile :)



I guess it's not a secret anymore, huh?

Work In Progress

I wanna be a better version of me but I'm holding myself back. I'm not allowing myself to flourish and grow. As a matter of fact I know that I'm stifling my own growth. How is that possible? Simple. I put myself in a box and told myself that I couldn't step out of it. I made it so that I can't try new things due to my fears. Even if the experience could be helpful I said no, if I'm not good at it, I'm not doing it. But how will I ever know if I'm good at something if I don't try? How can I go through life placing limits on myself? The answer is that I can't. I've been slowly leaving this box but maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I'm not really trying and I'm just saying that I am. Well, I performed in front of a large group a few times but it was along with 40 other people. Well, I took an acting class which was definitely out of my comfort zone but I didnt give it my all and I knew that. I still tried though, not hard enough.

I have to push myself. I have to force myself into uncomfortable situations. How else will I know what I'm capable of if I don't allow myself to be challenged?


I guess for now I'm just a work in progress...

Lucky Me :)

I may put up a front but under my hard exterior there's actually a bunch of mush. I try hard to reject it but it always seems to catch up with me lol. So today my sister surprised the hell out of me and randomly sent me a Valentine's Day card. Before I could even read it I burst out in tears. I felt like a loser for crying because of a card but I guess I was just so overwhelmed lol. I thought I wasn't into crying for no reason but then I sat and thought about it...I randomly cry all the damn time. Sometimes I cry if I think of my father, a good/bad memory, when I feel helpless, or for random acts of kindness towards me (one time I actually cried when my sister bought me some flip flops for $5...sounds crazy but I was thankful lol). But I've come to the realization that it's ok to cry and yes it is ok to be emotional...sometimes lol.

Anyway, I love my sister. Sometimes I wonder if I she knows just how much. I'm so glad I have her to go through life with. When no one else understands me or gives a fuck, I know I have her. And honestly, she is the only person I know that I can, without a doubt, depend on, no matter what. I feel lucky having her in my life.

God made us sisters, life made us friends. I love you :)

Snip Snip

Somehow I ended up holding onto my hair. I wanted my fro to be so big and get so long that I held on to my nasty straggly ends. That's a big no-no. I thought that I had got past wanting my hair to be long but it seems I'm still itching for length like I did when my hair was straight. But having length with a lack of healthy strands is completely pointless and counteractive. I came to this realization after the first time I cut my hair short when it was still straight. I let go of my nasty ends and fell in love with the short look. By the time I cut my hair again, I didn't care much about the length because I knew it was gonna grow back. Somewhere along my natural hair journey I got lazy and stopped putting in the effort to keep my hair healthy.

I've been saying that I was gonna cut my hair for months but I never got around to it, then the other day I found the most disgusting looking split end/knot thingy and I was horrified. I had to force myself to just cut my hair. Sooo my hair is about an inch shorter but that's cool because my ends are nice and healthy. And I plan on keeping it that way :)