September 4, 2011

Day 18: A problem that you have had

Due to the tropical storm that we had last weekend, I have been completely off track with the 30 Day Challenge. Campus did not have any internet until Tuesday and when we got it back I had absolutely no interest in writing blogs lol. Anywayyy I'm gonna get back on track and continue with today being day 18.

At first I didn't know what to write about seeing as though, like most people, I have plenty of problems lol. But earlier today I had a conversation with my friend about one of my issues so since its fresh on my brain, I'll go with that.

I have a difficult time enjoying myself at parties/clubs if I'm not intoxicated. The thing is, growing up I never danced. Let me reiterate that: I NEVER danced. Not at family functions, not by myself, not with friends. I was extremely shy with dancing. Ok ok, I can't say never because I actually remember that when I was really little, I loved to dance and play around. Aww, the sweet innocence of children before they become self conscious. But as I got older I just couldn't stand the thought of people looking at me while I danced. Unfortunately, now I'm 21 and I still have this problem.

I've gotten much better with dancing in public. I'm not quite as scared as before. While in HS I had a senior masquerade ball and of course prom. I was very sober in both instances and I forced myself to get up and dance. My reasoning was, I paid so damn much I had to get my money's worth. Plus I knew that if I was to look back, I would be pissed at myself for not allowing myself to dance. So I shook my ass, grinded on some people and allowed myself to be comfortable enough to enjoy myself. Was I still self conscious? Hell yeah! But I made myself get over it. The weekend after I graduated me and my friends had a beach party. I was very much so intoxicated and nobody could tell me anything. I was all over the place, enjoying the hell out of myself. That was when I realized I had found a way to escape my insecurities. I found my liquid courage.

Since then I've been to quite a few parties without drinking and semi-enjoyed myself. But let me get my hands on some liquor? I'm gone! I don't care what song is playing, who I'm dancing with, or if I even look good. All I do is feel the music and I'm alright. The difference when I'm sober is that if I don't like the music I won't dance. If I can't feel the music, I just won't wanna dance. So if I'm sober and a song that I absolutely love comes on, best believe I'm gonna shake my ass like there's no tomorrow. But let a song I hate come on, I have the mean grill on, arms folded and everything. I keep a guard up most of the time and when I'm at a party its actually worsened a bit. I know that its dark and no one gives a shit about what I'm doing but I just don't allow myself to let go.

The issue here isn't that I need to be able to enjoy parties. Parties are fun but are not that damn significant to my existence. The issue I have is that I'm using alcohol as a tool to loosen up. I need to learn how to enjoy myself completely sober. I guess I just need to be completely comfortable with me. I'm just not there yet...

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