June 10, 2011

What Have I Been Doing to Myself? Pt2

This semester I received the worst grades I have ever gotten, in my life.  For the first time in my academic career I do not even have a 3.0. Since I started college I've been on the Dean's List 3 times and my highest  GPA was a 3.6 with the lowest being a 3.17. I'm not saying this to brag, just to paint a picture of how my grades usually are. I'm not the greatest student. To be honest, I don't really work hard to get my grades. And this is probably how I fell off. I lost focus. Usually my focus is never 100% but this last semester I had less than 50% focus, not just in school, but in life in general. I felt lost, lonely, misunderstood, confused and just out of it. I didn't have the drive to do simple shit which can turn a B to an A. I just didn't put in the work. I guess I gave up in way. Maybe I just got too tired...I don't really know :-/

The moment that I realized that I truly fucked up was when I lost the respect of one of my favorite professors/mentors. Usually, if I fuck up its on me. But when others lose their faith in me, it hurts...like hell. I cried for a good 10 minutes because I felt so stupid. I'm capable of doing great and when I don't and I just accept mediocre what am I really saying about myself? In one of my other classes I neglected to hand in my final paper. Yeah, stupid right? And when I tried to hand it in late, my professor wouldnt accept it. I pleaded with her, went back and forth trying to explain myself but she wasn't having it. And can I blame her? Its not like I was a great student or got to know her outside of the classroom like I usually do. So what did she have to go on...my word? I'm not gonna lie, I was pissed off. But ultimately, it was my fault.

The crazy part is that everyone thinks of me as such a great student. Little do they know just how much I fuck up. And for what? Why wait till the end of my undergrad years to act like a lost and confused freshman? It makes no damn sense. At all.

To end on a positive note, next semester I will get as close to a 4.0 as possible. I'm so beyond serious right now. I can't have it any other way. I plan on doing more than "trying my best." I will do my best because to be honest, the only thing that has been in my way has been me. No more of this.

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