Work In Progress

I wanna be a better version of me but I'm holding myself back. I'm not allowing myself to flourish and grow. As a matter of fact I know that I'm stifling my own growth. How is that possible? Simple. I put myself in a box and told myself that I couldn't step out of it. I made it so that I can't try new things due to my fears. Even if the experience could be helpful I said no, if I'm not good at it, I'm not doing it. But how will I ever know if I'm good at something if I don't try? How can I go through life placing limits on myself? The answer is that I can't. I've been slowly leaving this box but maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I'm not really trying and I'm just saying that I am. Well, I performed in front of a large group a few times but it was along with 40 other people. Well, I took an acting class which was definitely out of my comfort zone but I didnt give it my all and I knew that. I still tried though, not hard enough.

I have to push myself. I have to force myself into uncomfortable situations. How else will I know what I'm capable of if I don't allow myself to be challenged?


I guess for now I'm just a work in progress...

Lucky Me :)

I may put up a front but under my hard exterior there's actually a bunch of mush. I try hard to reject it but it always seems to catch up with me lol. So today my sister surprised the hell out of me and randomly sent me a Valentine's Day card. Before I could even read it I burst out in tears. I felt like a loser for crying because of a card but I guess I was just so overwhelmed lol. I thought I wasn't into crying for no reason but then I sat and thought about it...I randomly cry all the damn time. Sometimes I cry if I think of my father, a good/bad memory, when I feel helpless, or for random acts of kindness towards me (one time I actually cried when my sister bought me some flip flops for $5...sounds crazy but I was thankful lol). But I've come to the realization that it's ok to cry and yes it is ok to be emotional...sometimes lol.

Anyway, I love my sister. Sometimes I wonder if I she knows just how much. I'm so glad I have her to go through life with. When no one else understands me or gives a fuck, I know I have her. And honestly, she is the only person I know that I can, without a doubt, depend on, no matter what. I feel lucky having her in my life.

God made us sisters, life made us friends. I love you :)

Snip Snip

Somehow I ended up holding onto my hair. I wanted my fro to be so big and get so long that I held on to my nasty straggly ends. That's a big no-no. I thought that I had got past wanting my hair to be long but it seems I'm still itching for length like I did when my hair was straight. But having length with a lack of healthy strands is completely pointless and counteractive. I came to this realization after the first time I cut my hair short when it was still straight. I let go of my nasty ends and fell in love with the short look. By the time I cut my hair again, I didn't care much about the length because I knew it was gonna grow back. Somewhere along my natural hair journey I got lazy and stopped putting in the effort to keep my hair healthy.

I've been saying that I was gonna cut my hair for months but I never got around to it, then the other day I found the most disgusting looking split end/knot thingy and I was horrified. I had to force myself to just cut my hair. Sooo my hair is about an inch shorter but that's cool because my ends are nice and healthy. And I plan on keeping it that way :)

I'm F**kin' Perfect

The first time I watched this video I fell in love. I already love P!nk, for her voice, her lyrics and her fearlessness. I've been a fan since her Can't Take Me Home days, you know, back when she was still Black. Yes I just said that. Act like you know lol.

I don't know when I got so damn emotional but watching this video actually made tears well up in my eyes. I'm just so in love with the message. People get so hung up on their imperfections and flaws but fail to realize just how great they really are. And I honestly believe that there is beauty in everyone. Who knows what we can contribute to this world...our possibilities are endless. Also, just because you may feel misunderstood or unloved does not mean you are unlovable. While I've felt misunderstood plenty of times, it could never get to the point where I would want to hurt myself or do destructive things. But there are plenty of people that do. It breaks my heart to see people beat down & hopeless because they don't realize how great they are. To me, it all starts with loving yourself. Unfortunately, some people are not nurtured or told they are smart, beautiful or capable :(

Luckily, I was reassured throughout my life. I know I'm smart, attractive and capable. Of course I have insecurities and flaws I'd like to fix. However, I know they cannot ever possibly outweigh my greatness :)

And the same should go for you.

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, fuckin perfect.

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you're fuckin perfect to me.

Would I Date Me?

So I just read Mocha Napps blog where she answered the question that Clutch posed - Would You Date You? And honestly I don't quite know. I feel like I have plenty of great qualities - I'm caring, considerate, funny, intelligent, attractive, understanding etc. But does that necessarily mean I would like to date me? I know that I'm hard to understand because my thought process is quite different from others, I know that I can be a hassle and a bit difficult, but once you actually get to know me I don't think its that bad. Obviously I'm biased though lol.

You know what? Yeah I would date me. I have a lot going on for me. The only thing is that I can be a bit "boring." In both of the blogs I read they put an emphasis on the things you do and if they can be considered boring. I don't quite like looking at it from that viewpoint. When people ask me what do I like to do I never really have an answer. I'm not all that exciting when it comes to the activities I do. I don't do much, like ever lol. However, I do enjoy great conversations. I can have a great time just sitting on a couch with someone if they have stimulating conversation. And that's the honest truth. Now just because I'm not "doing something" does that lower the value of what I'm doing? My answer is no. Activities aren't the only interesting thing about a person. Great stimulating conversation can be just as fun as bowling, going to the movies or actually "doing" something. And you could actually connect more through "just chillin" than taking part in an activity. But idk that's just how I see it.

I understand that this assessment is only based on the first layer of getting to know a person. Mocha made a good point in saying that if during the conversation you ask the person what they like to do the answer is nothing, the conversation ends there because of boredom. While this makes sense, I still disagree. I understand that we're basically strangers at this point so we don't have much to talk about but there is always something to talk about. When people ask me what I like to do, my answer is usually "uhhh idk, not much, listen to music, that's basically all I do when I'm not in class or doing something on campus." Yes, I know that is a boring ass response but we end up talking about what music I like or the fact that I'm still working up the nerve to sing in public. Then we talk about the music he likes and why. You see how my boring ass comment turned into a conversation about something?

I also like to take note of how he responds to certain things, like what interests him about what I say and shit like that. There's more than one way of getting to know someone through conversation. But maybe that's just me. I usually like to dig deeper, even when its just a simple conversation. Perhaps that's one of the things that makes me difficult. Oh well lol

In Search Of Motivation

Lately I've been looking at pictures of me and I'm not liking what I see. I've gotten used to being this size. Its not much of an inconvenience, I think I look pretty good lol. While I love my shapely figure, I'm starting to feel like it could be shrunk down to a lower size...not too small though lol.

Here's a pic of me the day of my JHS graduation.

While I know that this was wayy back in 2004, I can't help but feel as though I can get back to this size. And the thing is that I don't want to lose weight to look a certain way. Its just that right now I don't feel good about how I treat myself on many different levels. I know that I'm unhealthy and I need not get any bigger than I am now.

Here's a pic of me and my sister the day that she graduated from HS back in 05.

Yes, that was me, looking skintyyyy as hell lol. I honestly don't remember being that small. Its funny looking back because back then I thought I was fat. Ha! How fucking hilarious. Anyway, I know that I need to find some motivation and dedicate much needed energy towards getting back in shape.

Here's picture I took a couple of weeks ago to look at as a reference point. Still sexy of course lol.

One of my biggest problems is that I usually know what my issues are, I'm just not proactive in fixing them. I know, that's a shame right? At least I'm acknowledging them, which is part of the way to where I need to be. Now all I need is continuous action towards my goal. I need to devise a plan, I'll be revisiting this soon.

Random Thought on Grandparents

Today is the day that my paternal grandmother would have turned 70. I sat and thought about her and it made me a bit sad to realize that I don't know much about her. Of course I have a few memories and some stories I've heard over the years, but that still isn't much. She died when I was 7 and up until that point I hadn't known her that well. Sometimes I wish I could just sit and have a conversation with her. Which made me come to this thought. All of my grandparents are dead. All four of them. Two of which I have never met because they died years before I was born. Sometimes I wish I could just sit and talk to all of them. I feel that people overlook how great it is having grandparents. I wish I could ask questions, listen to their stories and attempt to soak up some of their wisdom and knowledge. But that isn't possible for me. I know that this post seems a bit depressing but that actually isn't my point. I just hope that others appreciate their family and don't take them for granted. There are plenty of people that don't even have that luxury.


Here's a picture of my Grandma holding me. My sister and cousin were crying because they didn't want to get out of the picture. Guess they didn't want to share Grandma with me lmaoo

To Weave Or Not To Weave?

For the past couple of weeks I've been thinking about getting a weave, I even glanced at wigs briefly. But it seems that the more I consider it, the more it sounds weird to me. I really love my hair, I just want a little break, which makes sense. But the thought of a weave makes me feel like I'll be dishonest. No. It would just a be a style. And it could be kinda fun. The first time I had a weave I liked it because it was different. But both times I had a weave after a couple of weeks I was bored and missed my hair.
 

While I do realize that a weave would just be a style, I personally have always had issues with doing things to my appearance that aren't in agreement with who I am. I seldom ever wear makeup and when I do its mostly just eyeshadow and mascara. I remember going to the mall with a friend in high school and we got a free makeup session. All the lady did was put some eyeshadow on me and I barely wanted to walk out of the mall. I felt so weird, I didn't feel like people would be seeing me when they looked at me because of a little bit of green powder on my face. The first time I got a fake ponytail I didn't want to walk outside because it wasn't my hair. I know that this sounds like I'm too extreme and probably a bit crazy, but that is how I felt at the time. I know that I can do plenty of things with my hair. How I choose to wear it isn't my identity. It's just that wearing things that aren't a representation of who I am makes me feel naked and exposed to the world.

The first time I got a weave was when I had relaxed hair and I felt the same way then. It was around prom time, I wanted to wear my hair curly but I had cut my hair recently and it wasn't long enough to pull off the look. So I bought some curly hair and sewed it in lol. I felt so awkward walking around with extra hair on my head but after a while I fell in love with it. It was cute, different and simple. It was literally a shake and go style. But my issue is that now that I'm natural, I loooove wearing my own hair out much more than I ever did with relaxed hair. However, there's nothing wrong with me giving my hair a break and switching up my look for a bit.


Bottom line, my hair doesn't define who I am.

Sooooo to weave or not to weave?