November 30, 2011


Last night while I was walking back to my room, I passed a couple that were making out. I wasn't disgusted or jealous or anything like that, but I had a strange reaction. I was overcome with this intense feeling of sadness. This upset me because I couldn't see why I would have such a reaction to that.

So I thought about it. The last time I kissed someone, I mean actually kissed someone, was four years ago. I honestly don't remember what it even feels like anymore. How fucking sad. smh

It just makes me think of how hard it may be for me to even allow myself to get close to someone again. It's been so long that I'm terrified of the idea of just being in someone else's space where kissing could even be possible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all fucked up. I've never felt 'normal' but when it comes to dealing with dudes, I feel intensely awkward and out of place. WTF. I'm sure this post might make me sound crazy, punk-like, inexperienced...whatever. I don't give a fuck.

I need to learn how to relax, but I constantly stay on guard. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'll find a guy that makes it easy for me to open up and be comfortable with. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about something that isn't even that damn serious.

But I can't help but feel this way.

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