Besos

Last night while I was walking back to my room, I passed a couple that were making out. I wasn't disgusted or jealous or anything like that, but I had a strange reaction. I was overcome with this intense feeling of sadness. This upset me because I couldn't see why I would have such a reaction to that.

So I thought about it. The last time I kissed someone, I mean actually kissed someone, was four years ago. I honestly don't remember what it even feels like anymore. How fucking sad. smh

It just makes me think of how hard it may be for me to even allow myself to get close to someone again. It's been so long that I'm terrified of the idea of just being in someone else's space where kissing could even be possible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all fucked up. I've never felt 'normal' but when it comes to dealing with dudes, I feel intensely awkward and out of place. WTF. I'm sure this post might make me sound crazy, punk-like, inexperienced...whatever. I don't give a fuck.

I need to learn how to relax, but I constantly stay on guard. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'll find a guy that makes it easy for me to open up and be comfortable with. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about something that isn't even that damn serious.

But I can't help but feel this way.

Fluffy Braid Out

Today my hair was the most stretched its ever been without me having to blow dry it. After I wore the pinned up style on Saturday, I braided my hair without adding any product. I didn't take out these braids until Monday when I wore a puff. Then that night I just braided my hair with some coconut oil and yesterday I wore a hat all day with the braids underneath. So here's how my braidout came out today:

I received several compliments and a shitload of comments like "your hair is sooo long," and "ooh it grew so much." Usually I can't stand these comments because its not odd that my hair is longer. My hair grew because, well, hair grows...that's what it does lol. Anyway, these comments made perfect sense since I have been wearing my hair up in a puff all semester. So no one ever really sees it down, plus my hair is super stretched today. I even was caught off guard by my hair constantly touching my neck and shoulders. All of this dry braiding has my hair stretched out and fluffy and I'm definitely feeling it :)

Pinned Up

Last night I went out to a live show and wanted to do something cute with my hair. So I tried the pinned up style that I did a couple of weeks ago again. In the front I did a dry twist out with Cantu and olive oil. The rest of my hair was just put in 5 braids. I took out my braids/twists and in the back I rolled/tucked my hair and pinned it up. I separated the twists a bit to fluff em out and pinned up the sides. Here's how it came out:

It was a bit frizzy but that's cool cuz the frizz made it look bigger lol. Getting my hair to look big is always a struggle for me so when it does, I welcome it completely. Overall, I'm pleased with the look :)

Texture Shots!

So on Tuesday night I finally washed my hair after putting it off for a few days. Mannnn detangling after having those coils for over a week was quite some work. But its cool though, I'm pretty patient. While detangling, I looked at how sexy my curls were and decided to take a couple pictures lol

Oooh look at those curls! Kinda sexy ;)

Going in Circles

Its been so long since I've been with someone, I feel like when I do allow someone in, I'm gonna fall to pieces. I try so hard to put up this front that I'm ok and I'm strong but I know if a man came and wanted to be strong for me, I wouldn't fight it. I probably would turn to mush in his hands. I would turn into a crying blubbering mess and scare this poor man away. Or he'd stay and let me release everything that I've been holding in for years. It would be refreshing to have someone tell me its ok. to. just. be.

I don't even know if I'm capable of that anymore. I'm always on guard or preoccupied with something else. Yeah I've been crying all the time lately and I always try my hardest to get what I'm feeling off my chest. But I usually leave out a big chunk of how I'm feeling. so. alone. A man can't fix this but shit, he might be able to make me feel a little better. Just for me to know that someone else is interested in me. Yeah I know that I've said this before - if I don't want me, no one else will. And a man can't really validate me, that's something that I need to do on my own. But damn, can I remember what it feels like to be desired? I know that I'm always running in this same circle and nothing will change if I don't try to change myself. So what is it that I need to work on?

Ok so I'm awkward. So what. I'm probably always gonna be awkward so I just need to find someone who understands me lol. Most of the time I laugh at myself and keep it moving. I know that I don't know how to interact with boys. Either I'm too serious, I scare them off with my crazy mouth or I run away and avoid them altogether. When I like someone, I don't act like it. I'm so scared that if I look them in the eye they'll see right through me and figure out how I feel. And I wear my emotions on my face, so you can usually see how I'm feeling verrrry clearly lol. Maybe I just need to stop being a punk and learn how to be more outgoing. Or maybe I just need to work on my confidence. Or maybe I'll just curl up in a ball and stay lonely as fuck -__-

Of course, I'll revisit this again soon.

Stalker

I stare at you from across the room. You don’t see me but I have a perfect view of you. And those round lips. My mind wanders…I imagine us together. Just talking, joking, playing around. I look up and see you staring back. In your eyes I see lust. Or maybe I just imagine this. My thoughts change. I now imagine you next to me. On top of me. Inside of me. I snap out of it to see you walking over to me. I smile and offer my hand. 

Hello, my name is Shatera…

Coil Out pt2

Day 2

It shrunk a bit. Womp womp womp :/

Day 3

Shrinkage ain't no joke lol

Oh and here's a pic from the last time I did this style in March.

I didn't notice how much my hair has grown :)

I love this style because the coils are gorgeous and they stay in their cute little cylinders lol. There's no retwisting, rebraiding or anything involved. The only downside is that when its time to detangle, I'm gonna have to be very patient and careful. It's cool though, I don't mind. Now I just gotta figure out what I want to do with  my hair next, hmmm...

Coil Out

Monday afternoon I washed my hair, which was looong overdue lol. Then put in coils just by twirling sections of hair with my index finger and thumb. I used my Cantu Shea Butter and olive oil. This morning I took out my coils just by unraveling them and separating them into pieces. This is how my hair came out:

My hair came out shiny and soft. It's a tad bit frizzy but I like it like that. I'll probably separate it some more as the days pass to make it look bigger and fuller.

By the way, did I mention how much I looove the color of my hair?? I reallly do lmao. When I was younger I said I would never dye my hair and I still feel this way. It's such a pretty brown, dying it isn't even an option for me. I always say that if I want my hair to be a different color, I'll just buy some lmao

Those Eyes

Your eyes pierce through my soul

Your eyes awaken a part of me I thought had died

I buried me

Your eyes make me want what I’ve been denied

Your eyes take me to places I’ve never been

I’ve risen

Your eyes give me everything I want

Your eyes stare into mine

I’m alive

New Hairstyles

Over the past couple of weeks I've been playing around with my hair a bit. The first style I did was a pinned up look. The night before I braided my hair with Cantu Shea Butter and sealed with castor oil. In the morning I took the braids out, pinned it up in the back and left the front out to hang. I was really feeling the look and got a bunch of compliments.

Sooo here's my first bun...ever lmaoo. I've never worn a bun before. When my hair was straight I never had enough body for one. Even now, I don't have enough body or length so I just folded my hair and pinned it down. I don't really care too much about having the slicked down look so all I did was wet my hair and added a bit of olive oil. It came out pretty good.

Oh yeah, this was done with a braidout as well. I've really been feeling braidouts a lot lately. The definition is good and it stretches my hair nicely. I've been playing around with other styles too but didn't take any pics, womp womp lol. Right now I have some coils in and I plan on doing a coil out. We'll see how it comes out in the AM...

Lay It Down

Dwele - "Lay it Down" from  Some Kinda 2005

Dwele is just so smooth and relaxing. He's definitely one of my favorite artists :)

I love this song for so many reasons but the main one being that I wish someone would sing it to me. I try so hard to push away just the thought of having feelings for someone or the thought of being with someone again. This is mainly because I have my guard all the way, up all the time. I couldn't even possibly let anything happen because I wouldn't allow it. Sometimes all I want is for someone to see past the barriers I've built and be interested in me despite the hardened shell I've created. But how could that ever happen if I don't allow it?

Here's the lyrics:

Hook

Lay it down (down) on me (down) on me, (down) on me [x2]

Verse 1

I find it hard to believe someone as beautiful (as beautiful)

Inside, as well as physical, could hold back something so emotional (so emotional)

Just let it go, and lay it down

And enjoy yourself if only for the night

Just leave it because a new day tomorrow will bring

We will leave no void this moment can't replace

So just,

Hook

Lay it down (down) on me (down) on me, (down) on me [x2]

Verse 2

If I had one wish, it would be that I could spend more time with you

And live in your aphrodisiality, so that we could do things lovers do (lovers do)

If I could, you know I, give my love

No need to worry about what time it is (worries none)

You'll find myself to be available, so that I could know exactly what it is

Hook

Lay it down (down) on me (down) on me, (down) on me [x4]

Bridge

Lay it down,

You should never ever, let lost love get the best of you, just (lay it down)

One man's loss is this mans gain

Won't you lay down your pain and breath (lay it down)

I-I got what you need

If you ever feel the need to (lay it down)

It's your world if only for one night, it's for you so baby won't you...

Vamp

Come here lady lay it down, let your soul be down,

I-I-I'm gonna give you peace of mind [repeat to fade]

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

Sooo I completely forgot about the last day of the challenge...ooopsss lol

I don't feel like taking a picture so here's a pic I took on Saturday. I was so bored that I decided to play in my makeup. I'm not too sure of how it came out since I'm not into makeup like that so view with caution lmao

Hmmm good things? Let's see....

1. I passed a class that I was certain of failing. Which means I won't have to retake it next semester.
2. I really enjoyed Black Solidarity Day this year. It was my favorite one and it really made me think and reevaluate myself. I need to write down how I was feeling on Monday before I forget about it and go back to being uninspired.
3. I find something to complain about everyday. But I should be grateful. I'm alive and well. Maybe I'm not where I want to be but at least I have the chance to work towards getting there.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

Writing.
Listening to music.
Singing.
Talking about things that I care about.
Reading.
Learning.  

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

I am soooo in love with Love & Basketball and have been for the past 11 years. Just mentioning the film makes me smile uncontrollably. I'm pretty sure I can recite the film from beginning to end from all the times that I've seen it. And I am not at all ashamed of my unhealthy obsession with this film. As a matter of fact, I already wrote about this at length. You can find the post here.

Source

Source

Source

Source

Yes, I am grinning from ear to ear right now :D

How can you not love this movie? *heavy sigh*

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

November 2010

August 2011

My hair grew, I gained weight. Yeah, that's it...

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you've been to.

The farthest place I've traveled to was Hollywood, Florida in 2008 for my cousin's wedding.

Chilling by the pool

After the reception

Day 25 – What's in your purse?

I don't really carry a purse...my school bag serves the purpose for everything. But anyway...

• a water bottle - ALWAYS! I'm too cheap to buy drinks most of the time plus it is very convenient to have water on you at all times. I get thirsty with the quickness so this is necessary. Plus I've been trying to drink more water lately and always having water within arms reach is very helpful.
• my notebook, folders, planner and pens
• my phone charger
• my Zen, headphones and its charger
• lipgloss
• lotion
• Excedrin - this is so necessary for me. I'm prone to getting headaches, allllll the time smh
• napkins....tons of napkins. You never know lol

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

This is a spread of the Fahari Magazine over the years. This picture was taken at the alumni dinner that we had in Spring 2009. I've been a part of Fahari-Libertad since I stepped foot on campus in Fall 2008 and Editor in Chief since Spring 2010. I love this magazine. We have a rich history on this campus and soon we will be turning 40 :)

Here's a brief description of what we're all about:

FA-HA-RI: (noun) Dignity, respect, a good reputation, derived from the language of KiSwahili

LI-BER-TAD: (noun) Spanish for "Freedom"

THE FAHARI-LIBERTAD is committed to printing the political, social, and economic views and concerns regarding people of color at SUNY New Paltz. It is published in the spirit of cultural unity as well as bringing about the spiritual unification of all people. The main goal of THE FAHARI-LIBERTAD is to enrich and educate all people with knowledge and enlightenment. We accept with open arms anyone who is truly committed to these goals to work with us.

MISSION STATEMENT:
To seek knowledge, truth and unity with pride.

Here's where you can reach us: Facebook, Twitter, Blogger & Issuu (online PDF). You can also shoot us an email at faharilibertad@gmail.com

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.

Whoa, 15 though? *sigh* here we go...

Random facts, no explanations.

1. I don't have a middle name.
2. I haven't had a relaxer in 3 years :D
3. I'm 5ft9 (which I love :)
4. I used to want to be an artist, then a veterinarian, then a psychologist, then a professor, then a social worker and now, I just don't know anymore...
5. I HATE shopping!!! With a burning passion!
6. I've secretly always wanted to be a dancer. Sometimes I wish I woulda got into it when I was little, now I feel its too late. Plus I'm a huge punk lmao
7. Without music, I just might die. Well, not literally, but you get the point lol
8. I love to write, mostly about me or things related to me lmao
9. I've been single for 4 years come January. Damn.
10. I have an older sister and sometimes I don't think she realizes just how much I look up to her. Maybe I'm too dependent on her at times, but I really couldn't imagine my life without her.
11. My father died of lung cancer when I was 14. Funny how this ends up on a list of facts about me. The truth is, a very big part of me is wrapped up in him and my loss.
12. I was born and raised in Brooklyn, N.Y.
13. I don't have a favorite color. I do love purple a lot though lmao
14. I like to sing, privately lol
15. I detest the color yellow.