April 11, 2012

Fat Blob pt 2

After writing that post earlier I thought about how crazy I might sound saying that I want to lose 100lbs. I started to doubt myself and think that maybe that number seems high and ridiculous. Maybe I can just say that I want to be healthy and that my size doesn't matter. And as I was having these thoughts I realized that I was doubting myself. I can lose that much weight if I wanted to. No, it won't be easy and I'm pretty certain that it will take a lot of time and dedication. But it's possible. I usually say that I just want to slim down a bit and I'm not concerned with being skinny. While this is true, I also know that I just don't want to be fat anymore. I just don't. Maybe 100lbs seem dramatic. Maybe I sound crazy.

I don't care.

I wasn't ever the type of person to call myself fat. I do now. I didn't ever mention my weight or my size in a negative way. I do now. I didn't ever let what I thought people's perception of me was bother me. I do now. I NEVER was scared of a camera. I am now.

I'm tired of this.

I always thought that my self esteem was fine and that I wouldn't let my insecurities bother me. Well, my self esteem sucks. I've never felt this insecure before. And its not just my weight. That's just one factor. If I don't address it, my problems will only get worse. I will continue to emotionally eat. I will continue to call myself fat. I will continue to gain weight. I will continue to constantly second guess myself. I will continue to be scared of every damn thing.

I can't do this anymore.

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