April 25, 2012

More thoughts...

Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel needed, wanted, desired, important. So why would I be any different?

I try to avoid these feelings but its hard to.

We're constantly told that we should be in relationships and if we aren't romantically involved with someone, something must be wrong. I don't agree with this logic. So what do I really want for myself?  A man. A friend. A something. Right now I don't have that. Yes I love my friends and family but I need a different kind of connection.

Its been a long time since someone made me feel like a woman. Do you know how that feels? To be alienated from that feeling....

And some of my friends just brush off my feelings,
"Oh, Shatera, in due time..." 
"Oh, you'll be fine" 
"Everything happens for a reason blah blah fucking blah"
Or they'll complain to me about their lack of men meanwhile they have droves of men up their asses. Not to take away from their feelings, they are completely entitled to them. However, sometimes I just wanna say, "shut up! At least you have a something." It may not be exactly what you want but at least you know there are people interested in you. I don't have that.

And I'm not trying to complain right now, I'm really not. Especially when I know that I'm to blame. I'm not friendly. I don't like to talk to people. I'm antisocial. I look mean all the damn time. I don't go out often. I don't ever meet anyone. Although I've written about this numeroussss times over the past 3 years that I've had this blog, it still fucking bothers me! Ugh I haaaaate this feeling. And what can I do with it?  Not a damn thing.

Most of the time I don't even feel like I have the right to say anything.

But I do. These are my feelings and they shouldn't just be dismissed.

I guess the next step is for me to figure out how to make it better.

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