...

I get pretty vulnerable and personal on here. For no one's benefit but my own. I learned a while ago that keeping things to myself only hinders my growth. Maybe publicly discussing things may not be the best option. But for me, it surely is helpful. I don't write to be ridiculed. I don't write to be judged. I write because its a necessity. I'm not ashamed. Why should I be? Because I'm human? Because I have thoughts and feelings, just like everyone else? No. I refuse to feel bad because I choose to share a bit of me on here.

More thoughts...

Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel needed, wanted, desired, important. So why would I be any different?

I try to avoid these feelings but its hard to.

We're constantly told that we should be in relationships and if we aren't romantically involved with someone, something must be wrong. I don't agree with this logic. So what do I really want for myself?  A man. A friend. A something. Right now I don't have that. Yes I love my friends and family but I need a different kind of connection.

Its been a long time since someone made me feel like a woman. Do you know how that feels? To be alienated from that feeling....

And some of my friends just brush off my feelings,
"Oh, Shatera, in due time..." 
"Oh, you'll be fine" 
"Everything happens for a reason blah blah fucking blah"
Or they'll complain to me about their lack of men meanwhile they have droves of men up their asses. Not to take away from their feelings, they are completely entitled to them. However, sometimes I just wanna say, "shut up! At least you have a something." It may not be exactly what you want but at least you know there are people interested in you. I don't have that.

And I'm not trying to complain right now, I'm really not. Especially when I know that I'm to blame. I'm not friendly. I don't like to talk to people. I'm antisocial. I look mean all the damn time. I don't go out often. I don't ever meet anyone. Although I've written about this numeroussss times over the past 3 years that I've had this blog, it still fucking bothers me! Ugh I haaaaate this feeling. And what can I do with it?  Not a damn thing.

Most of the time I don't even feel like I have the right to say anything.

But I do. These are my feelings and they shouldn't just be dismissed.

I guess the next step is for me to figure out how to make it better.

Just some thoughts...

I figured out why I scare off dudes.



I'm not inviting.

I don't make myself available.

I don't appear to be open, ready or willing.

No wonder guys don't wanna talk to me. I wouldn't want to talk to me either.



And I can't even be mad about it.

Big Hair :)

An old braidout finger combed out = big ass hair :D

Smexy Hair :)

Flat twist-out done on dry hair = big hair :D

Hair Break

Lately I've been so in love with the big hair look. But I'm kinda tired of having to do my hair every day, plus in the next few weeks my schedule is going to get crazy. So I need a hair break. I can't afford go back home, so crochets are out of the picture. I need to do a protective style that can make my life easier. I used to do mini twists all the time but lately, I haven't been all that interested in twists. Maybe this style is something that I can revisit.

Updates soon...

Fat Blob pt4

So I was looking through old pictures and it made me miss my "ok" thickness. Yeah I was still overweight but I didn't feel all big and jiggly like I do now.

Feb 2009

March 2009

This was just three years ago. Before I gained all my extra weight. My stomach wasn't bulging. My thighs weren't humongous. I didn't feel fat.

How the hell did I get to this place?

A better question: How the hell do I escape it?

Fat Blob pt3

I probably sound crazy. Again.

100lbs???

I don't want to lose that much weight. I was just a bit frustrated and emotional earlier when I wrote those two blogs. My goal is to be healthier and feel better about myself, not to be a damn stick figure. I like my shape. I like being thick. I should just stick to the goal of trying to be a better me...no numbers. Ok, I'm lying again lol. I'll go back to my original goal of losing 80lbs. I can go further after reaching that point, but that won't be my main focus.


Since I go back and forth with things 934749 times, I'm pretty sure there will be a part 4...

Fat Blob pt 2

After writing that post earlier I thought about how crazy I might sound saying that I want to lose 100lbs. I started to doubt myself and think that maybe that number seems high and ridiculous. Maybe I can just say that I want to be healthy and that my size doesn't matter. And as I was having these thoughts I realized that I was doubting myself. I can lose that much weight if I wanted to. No, it won't be easy and I'm pretty certain that it will take a lot of time and dedication. But it's possible. I usually say that I just want to slim down a bit and I'm not concerned with being skinny. While this is true, I also know that I just don't want to be fat anymore. I just don't. Maybe 100lbs seem dramatic. Maybe I sound crazy.


I don't care.


I wasn't ever the type of person to call myself fat. I do now. I didn't ever mention my weight or my size in a negative way. I do now. I didn't ever let what I thought people's perception of me was bother me. I do now. I NEVER was scared of a camera. I am now.

I'm tired of this.


I always thought that my self esteem was fine and that I wouldn't let my insecurities bother me. Well, my self esteem sucks. I've never felt this insecure before. And its not just my weight. That's just one factor. If I don't address it, my problems will only get worse. I will continue to emotionally eat. I will continue to call myself fat. I will continue to gain weight. I will continue to constantly second guess myself. I will continue to be scared of every damn thing.

I can't do this anymore.

Fat Blob

I want to lose 100 pounds. Yes, 100.  I keep lying to myself saying that I don't mind being this size and I only want to lose a little bit of weight. That's bullshit. I want to be smaller. 

It shouldn't be this hard for me to motivate myself to make necessary changes. What the hell is holding me back? Oh yeah, me.

Maybe what I need to do is figure out why I want to lose weight. 

I've talked about this numerous times....

• I wanna be a better me.
• I am not anywhere close to being healthy right now.
• I'm tired of struggling to find clothes. I hate shopping already as it is, being bigger just makes it worse.
• I don't feel good about my body.
• I don't want to be the "fat one."
• I feel soooo out of shape. I get winded too easily now and that is not cool.
• Sometimes I feel like my weight is holding me back.
• Sometimes I don't feel cute and I don't like the way I look in my clothes. I feel like a fat blob.
• I am capable of living a better lifestyle.

I figured out why. Now I need to find some damn motivation...

This week in hair

Dry braidouts have become my favorite style lately. I think I need to start trying new products though because my hair feels ok but looks dry as hell. I think I'm gonna buy a pomade to seal with. When I use my sister's my hair comes out all shiny and sexy. Maybe I'll try this one or this one. We'll see...

Sunday

Monday

Tuesday was an exact repeat of Monday. That night I was lazy and didn't braid my hair. So on Wednesday morning I decided to put my hair up because it was looking all types of crazy lmao.

Wednesday

My little twist/bun thing was cute but it took me like 20 minutes. A simple style like this should take 5 minutes, but since I'm not used to styling my hair, it took me wayyy longer smh. I was supposed to wash my hair that night but I just was too tired. So Thursday I ended up doing the same exact style. It took me 10 min instead of 20 so I'm getting there lol. I was supposed to wash my hair Thursday night but that didn't happen so Friday my hair looked exactly the same lmaoo.

I finallly washed my hair on Friday and braided it up for Saturday.

Saturday

Didn't Cha Know

I ♥ me some Erykah Badu :)

"Didn't Ya Know" - Erykah Badu - Mama's Gun 2000

Lyrics:

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Tried to move but I lost my way
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Knew the toll, but I would not pay
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Cause you never know where the cards may lay

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still don't know
So many times I've changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I ain't scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Ooh hey
I'm trying to decide
Which way to go
I think I made a wrong turn back there somewhere

Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Tried to run but I lost my way
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Stopped to watch my emotions sway
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
Knew the toll but I would not pay
Didn't cha know, didn't cha know
I said ya never know how the cards may lay

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day 

I kinda miss my short hair...

July 2009