Feeling Like Blahh

Lately I have been feeling so depressed and useless. I lay around the house watching TV or playing around on the computer. After an unsuccessful job search, I stopped looking weeks ago so now I just mope around the house like a loser. I've become a recluse, I rarely ever even go outside. Being a hermit is pretty damn depressing. But since I have so much time alone, doing a bunch of nothing, I have time to think and I realized that I'm not using my power in this situation. No I didn't find a job for the summer. I didn't start working out like I had planned. I barely even get fresh air. But I'm alive. I have food and shelter and people that care about me. I'm only miserable because I'm not allowing myself to see anything positive right now. Sometimes I fail to realize that my happiness is up to me. Regardless of my circumstances, I still have that power.

I may not be working right now but that doesn't mean that I can't be useful. I can still fill up my time reading and writing. I haven't been inspired to write anything lately and that can be attributed to that fact that I haven't read anything good in a while. I haven't started anything physical but I have ample time during the day to get up off my ass and do something. Shit I can get up and dance for 25 minutes, that's better than nothing. I can be doing housework or work on fixing up my room (which has become a dumping ground for random shit since I started college smh). The list goes on. But instead I just sit around, making myself feel even more useless.

I feel like a bum because I'm not working but everyone keeps saying "Oh you work so hard during the semester, its ok if you sit around and do nothing for a while." I couldn't disagree more.  If I supposedly work so hard during the semester then getting a break is perfectly justified. But for 3 entire months? No. I guess I can just take this summer as a blessing because come next May when I'll have to enter the real world, when will I get another chance to lay around and do nothing for 3 months? Unless I'm sick or on maternity leave, I just don't see this ever happening again. I guess I should just take advantage of it. Somehow...

Where's my drive? Pt.2

One of the tasks I gave myself was to make a list of my goals and desires. I've been sitting here, staring at the screen for a good 15 minutes and I have yet to come up with anything. What the hell does that even mean? I feel so stuck. I don't know what I want. Which is ok I guess...well, not really. Most people have an idea of what they like and want for themselves. Even if they are wrong and it falls through, there's still something for them to go off of. What do I have? Confusion and fear.

For the most part, I never know what I want. I'm extremely indecisive about almost everything and I'm constantly contradicting myself. What do I fear? Every damn thing. And after pondering on it I now see that I'm scared of how great I can be. If I actually apply myself and put some effort into my state of being just how great could I be? All of the problems that I knowingly deal with can be fixed, if I just give it a chance. But I don't give myself a chance. I lack confidence in myself in many aspects of my life and at times I feel like this can be fixed if I work on the problems I'm having. But the truth is nothing can even begin to be fixed if I don't work on me first. My thought process has to change. I have to realize that I am not only capable of turning my life around but worthy. Its like I'm scared to be great. I'm scared to go after the life that I want. So instead of actively pursuing things I just accept my situation and don't put in any work towards making things better.

I've gotten comfortable just existing. But who wants to just exist?? I don't anymore. I thought about making a declaration saying "from this day forward blah blah blah" but knowing me, it would be meaningless after a week. I am ready to be a better version of me. I just have to be willing to put in the work.

Bottom line: I'm getting in my own way.

Positivity? I am capable. I am worthy and deserving. If I actually apply myself I can achieve so much more and go so much further. I just have to keep reminding myself.

Big Fluffy Hair :)

A few weeks ago I was complaining about my hair being thin and not having as much body as I'd like. Then I decided to stop complaining and accept my curls as is. I started to think of ways I could make my hair seem bigger and then I realized I haven't blow dried my hair in months. I don't use heat on my hair often and its not because I'm one of those scary naturals that proclaim heat as the devil. I just don't see the need for it most of the time. Well last night I decided to blow dry my hair to see how big it could get:

Pretty Big :)

So I twisted my hair in hopes of having a fluffy big twistout. Later on that night I took out a twist and it had absolutely no definition to it, at all lol. So I decided to braid my hair instead. I haven't tried to do a braidout in over a year. I never had much luck with them. My hair would come out in this weird funky crinkle and I just decided to stick to twistouts because they were more reliable. But this time it came out great! I finally found a way to get my hair big and fluffy at this length :)

I'm soo feeling this look :)

I thought I was cute, until I got caught in the rain.

Womp womp womp

Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow :)