July 13, 2011

Where's my drive? Pt.2

One of the tasks I gave myself was to make a list of my goals and desires. I've been sitting here, staring at the screen for a good 15 minutes and I have yet to come up with anything. What the hell does that even mean? I feel so stuck. I don't know what I want. Which is ok I guess...well, not really. Most people have an idea of what they like and want for themselves. Even if they are wrong and it falls through, there's still something for them to go off of. What do I have? Confusion and fear.

For the most part, I never know what I want. I'm extremely indecisive about almost everything and I'm constantly contradicting myself. What do I fear? Every damn thing. And after pondering on it I now see that I'm scared of how great I can be. If I actually apply myself and put some effort into my state of being just how great could I be? All of the problems that I knowingly deal with can be fixed, if I just give it a chance. But I don't give myself a chance. I lack confidence in myself in many aspects of my life and at times I feel like this can be fixed if I work on the problems I'm having. But the truth is nothing can even begin to be fixed if I don't work on me first. My thought process has to change. I have to realize that I am not only capable of turning my life around but worthy. Its like I'm scared to be great. I'm scared to go after the life that I want. So instead of actively pursuing things I just accept my situation and don't put in any work towards making things better.

I've gotten comfortable just existing. But who wants to just exist?? I don't anymore. I thought about making a declaration saying "from this day forward blah blah blah" but knowing me, it would be meaningless after a week. I am ready to be a better version of me. I just have to be willing to put in the work.

Bottom line: I'm getting in my own way.

Positivity? I am capable. I am worthy and deserving. If I actually apply myself I can achieve so much more and go so much further. I just have to keep reminding myself.

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