Never Been Kissed.....Like Seriously lol

I'm single. Usually this isn't a problem because I'm not particularly concerned with finding a man. But the other day I had a conversation that got me thinking. Somehow the topic of kissing came up. Then I realized, wow I've only ever kissed one person. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, I'm young and I've only been in one relationship so I guess that makes sense. But the longer I think about it the less it makes sense to me. The fact that I've only had one boyfriend doesn't bother me, its the fact that I don't ever meet new people that does. Like ever. Nah seriously, EVER!

But anyway I find it very disconcerting that I've been single since January 08 (Technically June 07 but that's a story for another time lol). Anyway, it doesn't bother me that I haven't had a boyfriend in this time, it's the fact that I haven't met anyone to at least be interested in during this time.

I think its obvious why I never meet anyone. People say I don't put myself out there. But I don't like that term. I don't feel like I have to do or say certain things to get noticed. Why can't I be myself and someone notice me anyway? Yeah right. I'm not shy but I can be in certain situations, but then I have my moments when I speak up.

I've heard from quite few people that I don't look approachable and I walk around looking mean. I can't disagree with them because I know I don't walk around smiling cuz that just aint me. I don't walk around all merry and jolly and shit and I don't know how to be in between.

I'm not complaining about being alone, I just feel like if I never meet anyone I will end up alone. Also its nice to meet new people which I have difficulty doing on my own. Someone recently told me that I never meet anyone new because I don't go to parties, I don't talk to guys, and I don't do anything that could possibly lead to anything. After he said this, I had to assess myself. It's true that I don't go out but why does it have to be a party I go to in order to meet someone? But if I don't get out much or take the initiative when I see someone I'm interested in, then I guess it'll just stay this way.

For now anyway.

Back To Life, Back To Reality.......

Spring Break is over and this saddens me.
I like being at school, being away from home is a great experience. But on the other hand, once I go home, it's so hard for me to come back to school. Since I lay around and do nothing, coming back to writing papers and taking tests is a taste of reality. Getting back in the swing of things has always been a problem for me though. For as long as I can remember I have not liked doing work and going to school. What the hell is wrong with me? Of course I'm lazy but I've maintained my motivation. So I do my assignments although I'd rather be sleeping. But then again I'm sure everyone would probably rather be sleeping, eating and doing things that they enjoy.


Going home and doing nothing for a week is detrimental to my studies. Like seriously.
Back to life.....back to reality

Desires......

As I said I'm scared to write, especially about personal issues. I don't mind talking about myself (I'm actually my favorite topic lol), but sometimes I wonder where the boundary is. I decided to say "Fuck the boundary," and write what the hell I feel like writing.

Yes I'm single and not looking for a man but I can't deny these feelings I have.

I want to be wanted.
I want somebody to want to spend time with me.
I want to talk to someone on the phone other than the same people I speak to everyday. (Not that I don't love them, I do dearly)
I want someone to love and appreciate me for me.
I want someone to want to get to know me, to be curious and enjoy learning me.
I want somebody to put up with my mess and love me despite of it.
I want someone to want to kiss me....
to want to touch me...
to happily, with a smile on his face tell me its his pleasure to make sure I'm satisfied and learn how to please me.
I want for someone to want to get to know me because of my mind and personality.
I want someone to appreciate my body.
I want someone that I can talk to, laugh with, and hold intelligent or just plain stupid conversations with.


Am I asking for too much?
I don't think I am.
This isn't one-sided. I'll do the same in return.

No man will validate me. No relationship can validate me. I love me PERIOD. But it'd be nice to have that in common with someone else lol

I'm Scared to Write

Yeah I know, crazy right? But the truth is that I'm extremely afraid of writing. Every time my pen hits the paper or my fingers hit these keys, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of expressing myself. I'm afraid what people will think. I'm afraid it won't be good, I'm afraid that it will be good. Sometimes I'm even scared of getting compliments or good comments. I wonder what this fear is.

My motto is "Fuck It," I say this all the time cuz I feel like I dont have time to worry about what people think of me. But am I lying to myself when I say "Fuck It?" Like I'm immune to having feelings? Maybe, maybe not. But I know I'm scared. I'm most scared of my words being beautiful. And yet I smile when I read something I wrote months later, realizing that it is actually good. When I get a paper back from a professor and it has an A on it I get confused. What is this? When I write poetry, I write in pencil as if I'm unsure of my words. Well maybe thats it, a lack of confidence in my words. But wait, I know this isn't a self esteem problem, so what the fuck is it? Maybe I should just keep writing until I figure it out. That can't possibly hurt.

Void of Joy

I just realized just how much of an angry person I am. It's strange to me because I've always thought of myself as a happy, optimistic person. But I'm learning that this isn't the case. A while ago my sister said I was pessimistic but I brushed it off by claiming that I'm just realistic. And I truly think that I do just like to look at things from all perspectives, even the negative ones. This is important because in this world nothing is guaranteed and its sad but no one really gives a damn about you. Does this sound angry? I know I'm a pretty serious person, I take almost everything seriously even when I really don't need to.

Sometimes I feel like I have no joy, no reason to even be happy. I mean I'm always laughing, and I have a tendency to smile when I talk. But those are just external. I have people that love me, my situation right now isn't horrible. I don't have to worry about my next meal, I have clothes to wear and I have a place to sleep. Of course I have some things to worry about but stressing is pointless to me. So what the hell is going on?

Has all the shit I been through in life left me void of happiness and a lack of sympathy for others? I sure hope not.

Blog Virgin

Ok so this is my first blog post. Well, technically its not. I have been writing blogs on Myspace for a while now but since I barely go on there anymore I said hey why not try something different. So now I'm losing my blogspot virginity. Although I'm excited, sadly I have nothing to write about at the moment. Odd huh? I'll be back later with an actual post.