July 13, 2015

Sunday Night Blues

So tomorrow starts another work week. Another set of days where I have to show up on time, answer the phone and basically suppress all Shatera-ness. I’ll be reduced to a set of numbers...dates, times, metrics, bullshit. Every Sunday night I find myself questioning my life, my choices, my worth, and how much I hate my job. It’s a combination of self-loathing, shame and hopelessness. Like, “how could you let your life get like this? How did you become the girl with the shitty existence?” I don’t have the answer to that. Maybe I should put less into how the job I have shapes my life. Maybe it’s just a job, nothing more, nothing less. The only problem that I have with that is that I need it to be more. I need to feel useful. I need to feel important. I do. And yes, sometimes I feel good when I help my customers. But for the most part? I feel useless. Useless. Insignificant. Replaceable. And I hate this feeling. So I constantly battle with finding a way to fix it. What can I do to feel important? Should I even have these feelings? Is it wrong of me to feel the necessity to be somebody? Even just a little somebody. I don’t need fame or notoriety. That isn't important. I need to feel useful. What am I contributing to society? Yeah, customer service is important. But its is not important to ME. But where do I belong? Where the hell do I belong???

So here we are again. It's Sunday night. I’m dreading going to work tomorrow. I don’t want to go to bed because that means I have to wake up and face the world. I have to be a functioning part of society. When my mind and body is screaming for me to stay in bed. Allow myself to succumb to this nagging feeling of me not belonging there. That somehow, me staying home can preserve my mind. It won’t. As long as I continue to avoid this need to move on by complaining and feeling depressed, the longer I will suffer. Yes, I hate being there. But how am I gonna fix it? What’s next? I need a plan, because this is not working. But that just brings me back to the same place...where do I belong?

Better question. What has been holding me back from moving on? Since the first day, I knew this wasn’t for me. It’s nice having an income. It’s easy to become complacent. I don’t have to try hard. I don’t have to dress up. It’s easy. Come in, answer the phones, be on time, leave. Easy money. A weekly paycheck. But after awhile, it’s just repetitive bullshit. Same shit. Day in and day out. It’s tiring. It’s boring. I’m not using my brain. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel smart. It doesn’t matter that I have my degree. It doesn’t matter how creative I am. It doesn’t matter what I think. Who I am is not important. WHO I AM IS NOT IMPORTANT. Of course I’m drained and depressed. If this is how I feel every damn day. But what do I do about it? Complain and stay. Collect my check and stay. Hate every minute there, but stay. So here we go again...where the hell do I belong? I know where I don’t belong. But that’s not enough. It just isn’t.

Maybe I am putting too much on my job. Maybe I just need a hobby. Maybe I should change my expectations. Orrrrrr I can want more and work on getting it.

No more maybes. I want more. So I am going to work on it every chance that I get. That’s the only way my reality is going to change. I need to take action and stop talking about it. I loathe going to work every day. That should be enough motivation.


Sakmaquil said...

Have you ever read Mr. Booker T. Washington's writing called "The Atlanta Compromise"??? if not check it out... are you a wife, mother, daughter, sister... where you are found in this group of positions? We are given examples and laws in the Holy Bible that open many posibilities while we hurry up and wait for Jesus to return.

Sakmaquil said...

Self ownership is the hardest most rewarding occupation there is...what are you good at how can you turn that into a money source? and in the mean time cut grass look around it will give you great income, great excercise, you will almost always bring a smile to your customers faces. Invest in your lawn care business and as it grows invest into your joy and you will have two money streams.