July 28, 2014

No More Excuses


I've spent my entire life running from myself. I've had secret dreams and desires that I've kept to myself. Out of fear, out of uncertainty and due to a lack of confidence. Growing up, I wanted to sing and dance, act too. But I was too afraid to leave my comfort zone. I was too afraid of being vulnerable. So I never pursued any of those things. No one was encouraging me at home. There was nothing but apathy there. I always knew I was smart, I always knew I was special, but I never knew what I was capable of…if anything at all. There was never anything there for me to aspire to. I didn't have any dreams of doing anything spectacular or anything that would get me recognition. Everyone around me led mediocre lives, so I learned to just be mediocre too. Besides, if I were to sing, people would look at me, listen and pay attention…that was too much pressure. If I were to dance, people would watch intently and judge my movements. And if I were to act, I would be completely naked to the world. So I did none of those. I remained timid, I kept to myself and I decided that living my life in the shadows was better than trying to shine. I've always regretted not pushing myself. I always wanted more. I just didn't know how to get it.

When I went away to college, a lot of that changed. I became more outspoken, I let myself be known…through my writing. Writing was safe. I could spill my guts out onto the page and give the world a piece of me. The best part about that was that I could still be in the shadows. I mean, yeah they knew who was behind the words, but I didn't have to watch people read my words. I didn't have to be present for them to enjoy what I had to say. I released what I needed to onto the page and left it there for others to consume. It was perfect. Until I dropped my pen and decided not to pick it back up. So now all I do is let my mind wander. I write beautiful things in my head all the time. But I don't dare share these things. And why is that? Oh I know why, fear. My closest friend. I think its about time that I find a new friend. As a matter of fact, there's a few trifling heifers that I need to get rid of - fear, doubt, uncertainty, laziness and lack of self worth. I need to become acquainted with confidence, motivation, and plainly, self-love. Its clear to me that I don't love myself. I don't treat me any good. I'm not taking care of my body, my mind or my spirit. So what am I doing? Floating around, existing, completely unhappy but terrified of creating a different experience. It’s about time that I realize that my life can't go on like this. There's no need to wait till tomorrow or next week. Right now is all I have. Every moment is an opportunity to better myself and I have to take these chances. Because who said I'll be here tomorrow? I have to live for today. And I can't just say that I'm going to do better and keep doing the same ole bullshit five minutes later. I have to push myself. Because I do not want to look back on my life with any regrets. Plus, I'm too young to be feeling this old. I've made declarations like these in the past. And every time I've eased my way back into my same old habits. Not anymore.

I'm beautiful. I'm gifted. Most importantly, I'm capable. So no more excuses.


Jsherylle said...

Hi Shatera! this post hit home! I actually am dealing with something similar. Eventually I plan to take on every aspiration I let get away from me!

Video Vix[o]n said...

Shatera! You have so much potential and I've been waiting for you to tap into it. Sometimes, all you need is someone to say that you can do it, and I will tell you; You can do it Tera!

I love you woman, no go do it!

Tanya said...

You were different from birth...always danced to your own beat. Start doing that again. The first step is the hardest; after that it will get easier. Don't worry about what other people say. Use any criticism directed towards you as motivation. You are strong. Tap into that inner strength and allow it to propel you to greatness! I'm looking forward to the outcome and will be cheearing you on! Love you!

Shatera said...

Thanks guys! Love yall too :)