Vulnerability doesn't look well on me...

I hate letting people know I care about them. Its a serious issue I have and in a way, hindering to the possible development of future relationships. I don't like to let people know I care or show any signs that they might be important to me. I know, it sounds fucked up right? I don't know how I've gotten here...well maybe I do. If I don't let you know I care, I'm not putting myself out there in a vulnerable position. And I HATE being or seeming to be vulnerable. Its a serious problem of mine. I don't wanna be a clingy person...that's annoying. But its gotten to a point where I don't even like texting people to say hi or ask them about their day. Cuz if I do that, then they know I was thinking about them and that I might actually care. Twisted right? This could possibly hinder me in the future in case a guy is actually interested in me but doesn't feel like its being reciprocated. But then again, if I'm the only one trying to contact you then I feel like you're not interested and I move on. Why keep pursuing someone that doesn't want you? Waste of time, energy and fuck it, self esteem. I can't get with it.

Yo, where the dudes at?

I need some guy friends. I was having a conversation with a friend and talking to her made me think, hmm how would this conversation be different if she was a guy? Not that the conversation was lacking, it's just that I can't really remember the last time I had a serious conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Somehow I've gotten surrounded by girls and to be honest, its kinda annoying.

It's kinda weird how people see me vs. how I see myself. I happen to be quite a friendly person. I'm just antisocial and I don't like being around people lol. I know that sounds like a complete contradiction but that's just how I see it. Me keeping to myself and not looking approachable can definitely explain why I have a small amount of friends, almost none of them being guys... 
I've come to the realization that most dudes don't pay me any mind cuz I look like I might stab them in the nutsack if they say hello to me. I know I look mean passing by...I'm working on that lol. But anyway, lately I've just been missing the simple things in life...

I miss late night conversations...

Sometimes I seriously miss having a him...

Ugh I wish it wouldn't always come back to this. Somehow it always does.

Personal Bio

A while ago I decided to take an acting class to loosen myself up and attempt to lose some shyness. So this semester I'm taking intro to acting and its not as bad as I imagined. Our first assignment was to do a personal bio. For one minute we go up in front of the class and tell them about ourselves, without reading anything. I dreaded going, I was completely and utterly terrified because to me, getting up and talking in front of people is scary (well its that way for most people lol). Today was my day to go and I have to say I was completely surprised by the outcome. I was extremely nervous but somehow that wasn't conveyed. The response from the class actually scared me a bit. Everyone gave me a compliment and I didn't hear anything negative. What the hell?!?! I was expecting people to nitpick all my mistakes and tell me all the things I did wrong but no one did. Is it bad that I kinda wish I would've gotten negative feedback? It is so difficult for me to take compliments. Afterward I felt so relieved and a bit proud. Me doing so well just showed that I still don't know what I'm capable of and I can get over my fears and just say fuck it. Hmm, maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought....

Sometimes I wonder...where the fuck am I going?

Vacation

So my school decided to have a weird ass fall break during the first week of September. My sister and I both needed to escape the city so we decided to go to North Carolina for a week. I haven't seen my family in so long its a damn shame lol. But anyway, while we were there we didn't do too much. Just being away from the city was good enough for me. It's kinda sad that the whole time I was dreading coming back up north. I've come to a point where I don't want to be home but I don't want to be at school. I don't know what it is but nothing seems to excite me right now. Its like my life is lacking color. Everything is dull and monotonous...no excitement. Of course I could change that if I wanted to but I've somehow become complacent with my continual state of contentment. That's what I'm living in right now - I'm not happy, sad, or angry...just content. And somewhat hopeful. Things can't last this way for too long. Let's hope.


Oh how I wish I was sitting on a sunny beach right now...


Oh how nice that would be...

Drown Me

I could drown in you
soak up every bit of you

how is it that you can touch every inch of my being?
my entire body responds to you like an old lover
I want it all

you've always known exactly how to affect me in this way
greedily, I drink you
give me more, I can never have too much

I'm speechless, lost in you
with nothing to say, all I can do is close my eyes...
I feel you...completely

my very existence was created to co-exist with you
we were destined to be together
I don't know if I could survive without you

I take you in
the sustenance to my being
I need you