One of these days I'm gonna learn how to just let go, say "fuck it," and take a damn risk. One of these days...
Hopefully that day will be soon. I'm tired of being too scared to actually live and make my own mistakes. I usually learn from other people's mistakes which is good for me, but sometimes its good to learn on your own.
Although my fears aren't as extreme as the ones brought up in this song, I can definitely relate. I won't ever grow as a person if I'm in constant fear of trying. I'm tired of sitting around and watching life pass me by. I need to let go of my fears before they end up ruling me.
December 27, 2009
December 25, 2009
Reminiscing
Sometimes I feel like I have been missing out on life...
Looking at my yearbook and various pictures of people from high school makes me think, why the fuck was that not me? Not a jealousy thing, more like a, "How could I have gone through HS kept to myself and not making any lasting friendships?" thing. I honestly don't talk to anyone from HS and my life is going on just fine, I'm sure its the same for them. But then I look at other people and see that their HS friendships are still relevant to their lives. Wait, I hate comparing myself to others. Case dismissed...I just realized I was making a comparison EWW I don't do that lmao.
Looking back on all my friendships over my life, I've realized one thing. I always have that 1 friend and eventually that relationship gets too fucked up and it ends. It's a recurring cycle. Now in college, its not quite like that. I think because I live with these people, its harder to just dismiss them and go on about my life. In HS and JHS I went to school, did work, and went straight home. I didn't give myself a chance to make or keep friends...I was preoccupied. With what, I have no fucking clue. Sometimes I regret being like that but then I snap back and realize shit happens, life goes on. OH WELL. I'm good now, what's the point of looking back? But then that makes me think of one friendship...shit should I even go there?
Condensed version of this friendship: close friends for about 3 years, she was like a sister to me, we were complete opposites, she "couldn't handle my honesty" so our friendship ended, she dated my ex boyfriend. She was dead to me.
I sometimes wonder if she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing. Then I realize, why the fuck would she? I wasn't all that important obviously. But I sometimes wonder about her. I mean, we were close. I wonder if it would be worth it to contact her, would it be worth my time? I've grown since then and hopefully she has too. So it might not hurt to contact her. But then I think, why the hell should I be the one? I feel like that's a sign of weakness. I hate being vulnerable, HATE. Like seriously...its a serious issue of mine lol. But maybe, I'll see how I feel about it in a few days, after I have time to think about it.
Ugh, why the hell did I pick up my yearbook?
Looking at my yearbook and various pictures of people from high school makes me think, why the fuck was that not me? Not a jealousy thing, more like a, "How could I have gone through HS kept to myself and not making any lasting friendships?" thing. I honestly don't talk to anyone from HS and my life is going on just fine, I'm sure its the same for them. But then I look at other people and see that their HS friendships are still relevant to their lives. Wait, I hate comparing myself to others. Case dismissed...I just realized I was making a comparison EWW I don't do that lmao.
Looking back on all my friendships over my life, I've realized one thing. I always have that 1 friend and eventually that relationship gets too fucked up and it ends. It's a recurring cycle. Now in college, its not quite like that. I think because I live with these people, its harder to just dismiss them and go on about my life. In HS and JHS I went to school, did work, and went straight home. I didn't give myself a chance to make or keep friends...I was preoccupied. With what, I have no fucking clue. Sometimes I regret being like that but then I snap back and realize shit happens, life goes on. OH WELL. I'm good now, what's the point of looking back? But then that makes me think of one friendship...shit should I even go there?
Condensed version of this friendship: close friends for about 3 years, she was like a sister to me, we were complete opposites, she "couldn't handle my honesty" so our friendship ended, she dated my ex boyfriend. She was dead to me.
I sometimes wonder if she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing. Then I realize, why the fuck would she? I wasn't all that important obviously. But I sometimes wonder about her. I mean, we were close. I wonder if it would be worth it to contact her, would it be worth my time? I've grown since then and hopefully she has too. So it might not hurt to contact her. But then I think, why the hell should I be the one? I feel like that's a sign of weakness. I hate being vulnerable, HATE. Like seriously...its a serious issue of mine lol. But maybe, I'll see how I feel about it in a few days, after I have time to think about it.
Ugh, why the hell did I pick up my yearbook?
December 21, 2009
Just a Little Rant
I have quite a few things to rant about, so I'll run through them quickly.
1. I got my grades today and they surprised the hell out of me! Somehow I ended up with a 3.35 for the semester and 3.4 cumulative GPA. Crazy! And somehow I managed to get an A- in a class that I didn't hand in the final paper which was 20% of my grade. WTF? That professor must be crazy, or just really nice lol. Either way, I like my grades way more than I thought I would, so I'm content with that. I won't say I'm happy because I know there is definitely room for major improvements. I received my first low grade in college, a C+. This may not be a big deal to some students, but to me, its a sign that I wasn't on my A game this semester...I definitely need to get back on it next semester.
2. When faced with an issue, I've always been able to thoroughly think things through and make my choice according to what I think is the right thing to do. Right now, I wanna lose all my morals and just say fuck it. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't, but I really wanna give in. I won't though :-/ Even though I'm seriously considering it, I gotta tell myself the right thing is better, even if the wrong thing will feel so much better. On the flipside, I've been a "good girl" my whole life and I'm wondering what it's like on the other side lmao. But I'll just wonder about it for now. I won't give in.
3. Lately I been feeling like singing and writing and all that creative stuff. I just haven't sat down to actually do it. I think I should, or better yet, I think I need to. I have a few things to say.
4. There are quite a few "guests" at my house right now - 2 men and 3 children. I don't mind them being here all that much. There's just a few things that bother me. I feel like I have to give up a lot of my comfortability with them here and it may sound a little selfish, but its how I feel. I'm not used to being around all these people on a daily basis but its alright...its not that bad lol.
5. I was looking at old pics the other day and it made me realize I've gained quite a lot of weight...I need to work on that, ASAP. It's more for my health than for my appearance. I like the way I look, but I could look better while feeling better too.
1. I got my grades today and they surprised the hell out of me! Somehow I ended up with a 3.35 for the semester and 3.4 cumulative GPA. Crazy! And somehow I managed to get an A- in a class that I didn't hand in the final paper which was 20% of my grade. WTF? That professor must be crazy, or just really nice lol. Either way, I like my grades way more than I thought I would, so I'm content with that. I won't say I'm happy because I know there is definitely room for major improvements. I received my first low grade in college, a C+. This may not be a big deal to some students, but to me, its a sign that I wasn't on my A game this semester...I definitely need to get back on it next semester.
2. When faced with an issue, I've always been able to thoroughly think things through and make my choice according to what I think is the right thing to do. Right now, I wanna lose all my morals and just say fuck it. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't, but I really wanna give in. I won't though :-/ Even though I'm seriously considering it, I gotta tell myself the right thing is better, even if the wrong thing will feel so much better. On the flipside, I've been a "good girl" my whole life and I'm wondering what it's like on the other side lmao. But I'll just wonder about it for now. I won't give in.
3. Lately I been feeling like singing and writing and all that creative stuff. I just haven't sat down to actually do it. I think I should, or better yet, I think I need to. I have a few things to say.
4. There are quite a few "guests" at my house right now - 2 men and 3 children. I don't mind them being here all that much. There's just a few things that bother me. I feel like I have to give up a lot of my comfortability with them here and it may sound a little selfish, but its how I feel. I'm not used to being around all these people on a daily basis but its alright...its not that bad lol.
5. I was looking at old pics the other day and it made me realize I've gained quite a lot of weight...I need to work on that, ASAP. It's more for my health than for my appearance. I like the way I look, but I could look better while feeling better too.
December 11, 2009
New Shit
I'm seriously in need of a new attitude. This semester wasn't as good as I would have liked and I have no one to blame but myself. Honestly, I've never been a motivated student. I always just got by without putting in much effort. Of course in college this approach just will not work...at all! So what I need is a new approach to life and an attitude adjustment.
So I need to make an assessment of how I do things now, what's wrong with that method, and how I can change for the better. I think my biggest problem is procrastination. Procrastination has been a lifelong issue of mine so tackling that will be some work. But I'm willing to try new things...I really need to if I wanna do as well as I'd like to. Updates later...
So I need to make an assessment of how I do things now, what's wrong with that method, and how I can change for the better. I think my biggest problem is procrastination. Procrastination has been a lifelong issue of mine so tackling that will be some work. But I'm willing to try new things...I really need to if I wanna do as well as I'd like to. Updates later...
Bah Humbug Pt.2
1. First off I'd like to say that Santa Claus can suck my dick. He has no place in my life and no value to me whatsoever.
2. Christmas has forever been ruined for me. The month of December sucks...I hate this month.
3. I don't want to spend money on anyone, no one should spend money on me. Shit, times is hard.
4. My love for Christmas has changed dramatically since I was younger...it has lost all of its attractiveness.
5. I don't see the purpose for exchanging gifts. Yes, I understand it can be a way of expressing love and showing that you care. But is that really what Christmas is really about? No. Just a gimmick to get people to buy shit, lots of shit.
6. Christ wasn't born in December...
7. Holiday time is supposed to be family time. Oh isn't that so great. Why can't we have family time any fucking time? Just a thought...
8. Holiday decorations are annoying...someone's house should catch on fire.
Damn, is that too harsh? Hmmm I don't care. But one thing I do love about Christmas is that I get time off to spend with my family and relax. If there's one thing I'm looking forward to about Christmas, it's that. Oh yeah and food lol.
2. Christmas has forever been ruined for me. The month of December sucks...I hate this month.
3. I don't want to spend money on anyone, no one should spend money on me. Shit, times is hard.
4. My love for Christmas has changed dramatically since I was younger...it has lost all of its attractiveness.
5. I don't see the purpose for exchanging gifts. Yes, I understand it can be a way of expressing love and showing that you care. But is that really what Christmas is really about? No. Just a gimmick to get people to buy shit, lots of shit.
6. Christ wasn't born in December...
7. Holiday time is supposed to be family time. Oh isn't that so great. Why can't we have family time any fucking time? Just a thought...
8. Holiday decorations are annoying...someone's house should catch on fire.
Damn, is that too harsh? Hmmm I don't care. But one thing I do love about Christmas is that I get time off to spend with my family and relax. If there's one thing I'm looking forward to about Christmas, it's that. Oh yeah and food lol.
From A Desert To A Monsoon
This is the story of my life right now. I don't really wanna get into it though because it just might incriminate me. Shit this post by itself is incriminating...oh fucking well. Sticking to the no filter motto. Hmmmm, I think I kinda like it lol.
All I have to say is that a certain aspect of my life has turned from a desert to a potential monsoon. Guess I should get some protection from the rain that will come my way. Now all I have to figure out is which shore it will rain on. Hmmm...decisions decisions lmao
All I have to say is that a certain aspect of my life has turned from a desert to a potential monsoon. Guess I should get some protection from the rain that will come my way. Now all I have to figure out is which shore it will rain on. Hmmm...decisions decisions lmao
December 9, 2009
Bah Humbug!!! Pt.1
No I don't want to hear your fucking caroling songs...go away! No I don't feel like buying any damn gifts. And please, please don't buy me shit! Urgh, fuck Christmas...I'm sleeping through it this year. My life is just fine without it. I'll come back and revisit why I feel this way. I just needed to rant real quick.
:-D
So today as I procrastinated and put off studying, I started to look at my pictures on Facebook. I don't know if this is weird or not but sometimes I look through all my pics even though I've seen them like 827367 times. As I looked through all my pics I got a little boost of confidence. Is that normal? Just looking at pictures of me, family and friends really makes me feel good. Guess that can't be a bad thing right?
December 7, 2009
Ooh LL...
For as long as I can remember I've always loved this song. I mean doesn't it send such a positive message? It's encouraging safe sex and encouraging men to learn how to please their women...it's downright educational! LMFAOO Ok maybe I took it too far. But it is a good ass song. Let this shit play at a party ooh wee I'm gone! Some classic shit!
For a more recent song by LL that I love....Can't Explain It
Felt like sharing my fave lyrics of the song, so here they are:
I love to take my time, love to give you a show
Get the warm chocolate syrup to travel below
Use my ears like handlebars, take control
Never too much, I lick it like a Dutch
Two of my favorite numbers, you know what I mean
Add 'em up and they equal fifteen
You the 6... I needed you like a fix
Hmmm sounds good to me LL....
Too bad you're 41 which means you are old enough to be my father. Plus you have a child that is one year older than me. Way to fuck up my fantasy old man! Hahahaha
I.Fucking.Love.This.Song.PERIOD.
Lyrics:
Your hands on my hips
Pull me right back to you
I catch that thrust
Give it right back to you
You're in so deep
I'm breathing for you
You grab my braids
Arch my back high for you
Your diesel engine
I'm squirting mad oil oh
Down on the floor
Til my speakers start to boil
I flip shit
Quick slip
Hip dip
And I'm twisted
In your hands and your lips
And your tongue tricks
And you're so thick
And you're so big
And you're so Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice
Crown Royal on ice
Where is my chocolate man to make this a reality?
It tastes so good, how can I resist?
Chocolate melted and molded exactly how I like it
"Just one bite is all I need," I say
But somehow I devour it completely
Every morsel of it
Just one taste of you
Ooh so sweet
I love the way you melt in my mouth
Mm mm good...can't get enough
Nothing compares to the taste of chocolate
I say "I'm only gonna have a little"
But I keep coming back for more
How can I resist your chocolate?
Chocolate melted and molded exactly how I like it
"Just one bite is all I need," I say
But somehow I devour it completely
Every morsel of it
Just one taste of you
Ooh so sweet
I love the way you melt in my mouth
Mm mm good...can't get enough
Nothing compares to the taste of chocolate
I say "I'm only gonna have a little"
But I keep coming back for more
How can I resist your chocolate?
In Need of a Doctor...
I don't usually write poetry like this but I guess I got a little inspired...
I need your healing
Come put your hands on me
Make me feel better
Take me to that place I need to be
Heal me, fix my body
It's hurting, aching for you
Come inside and fix this problem
Make me feel better, inside and out
Everywhere, all over my body
I need every inch
Don't hold back
Give it all to me
My body needs it
Relieve me of this stress
I need your healing
Come put your hands on me
Make me feel better
Take me to that place I need to be
Heal me, fix my body
It's hurting, aching for you
Come inside and fix this problem
Make me feel better, inside and out
Everywhere, all over my body
I need every inch
Don't hold back
Give it all to me
My body needs it
Relieve me of this stress
December 5, 2009
Fuck a Filter
I just had a light bulb go off in my head. If no one reads this, then I can pretty much write whatever the fuck I feel like writing. I already try to be as honest and open as I can just because that's how I like things to be. So why not try it out...can't hurt.
New Rule: No filter.
New Rule: No filter.
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