Lately all I've been talking about is my hair. So I thought I would write about something else for a change. Then I drew a blank. Exactly what can I talk about? Feeling inadequate because I don't have an income. Feeling trapped inside of a body that I don't even recognize anymore. Feeling too scared to make the necessary changes that I am certain need to be made. Feeling alone. Misunderstood. Confused.
I've neglected to talk about anything other than my hair for the past 5 months because I didn't want to have to face it. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on with me. I don't go out. I don't reach out to my friends. I don't interact with the outside world much, if at all.
I didn't have a set plan for after graduation. I knew that it would take time for me to find a job and get in the swing of things. But damn. I feel stuck. I've made no progress in any area of my life. WTF?
I can't let my life pass me by like this. I'm wasting away. On a daily basis I'm just sitting here, wasting away.
I need to take control of my life. My finances. My social life. My health. My well-being. Because right now, I'm feeling broken. And the only way for me to be fixed is for me to take accountability for allowing myself into this situation. The next step is action. Sitting around talking about what's wrong with my life doesn't fix shit. It just doesn't.
1. Get a fucking job. Somewhere. I absolutely loathe the idea of having a retail job. I always have. No, it's not because I feel like I'm above that kind of job. I just know that it's not for me. However, I'm broke as shit. I've been out of school for 5 months. I need some kind of income. I'm just gonna have to suck it up and get a random job while I'm still looking.
2. Get control of my health. I need to lose weight for my health and to feel better in my skin. I must have said this a million times. But its so damn true. And it's more than just my weight. I feel unhealthy. I just don't feel good...ever smh.
3. Start writing again. I haven't written anything in a long time. Longggggg time smh. This just isn't cool.
4. Pick up a fucking book. I always joke and say that college took away my joy of reading. But that's bullshit. If I can get my hands on a good book, I'd be happy as hell. It would also be a nice way to escape from my own damn mind for a while.
5. Sing. Just because it feels good. Who cares if I sound good if I'm doing it for me? I shouldn't be scared to sing in private smh.
6. Stop being a recluse. I barely ever leave my house. Usually during the summer or during a break I'll end up sitting in the house all the time. ....I'm not on a break. There is no busy life to go back to at New Paltz. I need to have a life here. And now. Right fucking now.
How many times have I written a list like this? Who knows. All I know is that shit needs to change. Seriously.