Lay Down

8.5.11

This is a touchy topic. I was unsure if I wanted to bring it up. But it's been on my mind so much lately, I just can't let it go.

I've forgotten what it feels like...
to have your lips pressed up against mine
to have a warm body next to me
to care about someone as more than a friend
to be wanted, desired
to feel needed
to feel special in your eyes
to have that flutter in my stomach when you walk into the room
to daydream about you to pass the time
to crave your touch



Floetry - "Lay Down" from Flo'Ology 2005

Take Me Away

I think I might be Gabrielle...



John Legend - "Take Me Away" from Evolver 2010

Most of the time I just want to escape my life and have someone come rescue me. Its completely a fantasy that I know won't ever come true. Actually...I don't think I would want it to. I don't want to be rescued like the stereotypical damsel in distress. I want to be able to escape on my own. I just need to figure out how...

I Need You

I want to sing. I've always wanted to, I just have been too damn scared. I always figured that I didn't sound good enough or I wouldn't be any good. So I never pursued it. But honestly, music makes me feel so damn good. If I could sing all day, every day I would. I've allowed my fears to control me and stop me from enjoying something that I love so much. I figured I could just keep it to myself and that it would be pointless to share it. I didn't think anyone would even want to hear me. The thing is, its not about them. Its about me. If I love to sing and I sound like shit, why does that matter to anyone but me? I should be able to share what I know deep in my heart is a part of me, simply because I want to. No I don't have the greatest voice but I never actually tried to work on it. Honestly, I don't even know what my voice sounds like because I'm always singing along with what I hear, mimicking that particular artist. Growing up I always sang along with my sister and I stayed in the background because I liked it there. When I was in a choir I would just blend in to what was going on. So I don't quite know what I would sound like all by myself. The thought of me singing alone terrifies me, but maybe that's just what I need to do.


While I don't quite know what all of this means, I do know that music makes me feel like nothing else.

Let's see where this takes me...

Empty II: Visit Me

I want your skin
Your hands
Your mouth
Your touch
Nothing more, nothing less
Just your body will be enough

Changing Faces "Visit Me" - Visit Me 2000

Empty

Don't tell me you love me
Don't tell me you need me
I just want your body
Don't ask me out on a date
Don't ask me to chill
I just want your body
Don't tell me your dreams and aspirations
Don't tell me about the future you see for us
I just want your body
And nothing else

Day 30: One thing you're excited for

Graduation!

Day 29: Five weird things that you like

1. I love putting milk into my applesauce. I've been doing it since elementary school and it just stuck.
2. I like to sing in public bathrooms. I always thought it was weird until someone told me that bathrooms have good acoustics. Guess its not that weird after all. Well, except for the people that hear me lol
3. Is sleeping naked weird? Cuz I looove sleeping without any clothes on. Naked is the way to be.
4. I like doing repetitive, mundane things. If you ask me to sit and take out all the staples from a pile of papers I wouldn't mind at all. 
5. I could be in the middle of a conversation and if I hear a word that triggers a song, I will bust out in song lmao. Is that weird? I find it kinda cool lol

 

What is going on with me???

Lately I've been an emotional wreck. Crying for no reason, feeling sorry for myself, and just all over the damn place. I'm not really stressed. School is fine, nothing too crazy is going on so wtf? I don't quite know what's going on with me. I just feel like blahh. Like I don't wanna be bothered with dealing with people, or just being on this damn campus. This is how I was feeling over the summer and somehow it has trickled into the semester. Over the summer I kept to myself, didn't communicate with anyone and I barely even left my damn house. I can't act like that on campus. I'm constantly around other people...in class, during my organization's meetings, in my suite...I don't ever really have time to myself. Recently I've been slowing down and taking my time when walking around on campus. Usually I'm in a rush (for no damn reason lol) and recently I've just been slowly floating around. Walking around like I have no purpose. I guess I need some excitement? I need something. Ugh. I'm just tired. For no reason. As usual.


I've already forgotten about my ending on a positive note, how sad smh. I have nothing positive to say so here's one of my favorite songs:



"I Need Your Lovin'" from Irons in the Fire (1980)

Day 28: Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit

I'd like to visit tonsss of places. So here's some random ass Google images I found of all the places I wanna go :)

Jamaica

Source

Greece

Source

Italy

Source

Source

The Bahamas

Source

Mexico

Source

Source

Egypt

Source

Brazil

Source

Ummm I'm starting to notice a trend lmao
Ok so I'd like to go to places that don't have pretty beaches too...just can't think of any right now lol

Every Thought Is You

I have been playing this song nonstop for the past 2 days. I think I've become addicted...



"Every Thought Is You" from Ms. Kelly (2007)
 
No I don't have anybody for this song to be about. I just like the way it makes me feel, I like Kelly's voice, the music...just the energy of the song ♥♥♥

Day 27: A quote you try to live by

I'm not really a quote person. I relate more to lyrics. This was the very first thing that popped into my head.

You take me to this high
I feel like I can fly
the melodies you send me
the music of my heart
the music of my mind
the music of my soul, the music in me

--Vivian Green - "Music" from A Love Story

Tears

Over the past week I've cried maybe 10 times. I don't know how normal this is for other people but for me I don't ever cry this much. I'm trying to figure out when the hell did I got so damn emotional. I could just blame it on PMS but this has never happened to me before. I don't know what's going on and I don't like this :/

Day 26: Things you like and dislike about yourself

• I love my smile
• I don't like how moody I can be. My mood can switch drastically in a 30 second span of time -__-
• I can and will talk about anything. Nothing is too taboo for me. I have a reckless mouth and I use it quite often lmao
• I don't know how to let people get close to me. I guess I've been hurt a bit and maybe I have issues with being abandoned. Idk I haven't quite explored this fully...I'll get back to it lol
• Sometimes I see things that no one else can see
• I can be kinda bitchy and insensitive sometimes :/
• I'm very sensual. 
• I can come off a bit standoffish. The thing is, that's just how I appear. I don't walk around smiling and shit but I am approachable. 
• I'm a bit psychic sometimes. No, seriously lol
• Ummm Idk, I just love me :)

Day 25: Something you're currently worried about

I have no idea what I want to do once I graduate.


Like at all.


Yeah.


I need to work on this.


Like yesterday.

Day 24: Five words/phrases that make you laugh

Here's a list of random shit that I will not explain lmao

1. Infofmation
2. "That's inappropriate"
3. Them: "Hey Shatera" Me: "Wait, you know my name? Whoaaaa!" *flails arms above head*
4. "That's just the way I talk" + "Go head big boned women"
5. "Get your knuckles out my pussy"

Day 23: Something that you miss

Closeness.
 
I don't even know if I remember what it feels like to be close to someone. I've been single for almost four years. Ain't that some shit? Sometimes I just wish I remembered what it felt like to be desired. Most of the time I'm ok but then I have these moments where I feel alone and unloved. I honestly don't feel like getting emotional and mushy so this is where this post ends. 

Day 22: Your academics

My senior year has just began and so far, so good. I enjoy my classes and I haven't had a crazy amount of work to do yet, but we'll see how that changes with time lol. But yeah, I'm feeling good about my academics right now. No complaints :)

Day 21: How you hope your future will be like

Prosperous.


Fulfilling.


Exciting.


Better than this...

Day 20: Your fears

• One of my biggest fears is that I won't be remembered. A part of me knows that this is pretty much impossible but there's this other part of me that is scared that I won't leave an impact behind once I'm no longer here. 
• I won't reach my potential. Like I said before, I don't have much of a drive and most of the time I don't apply myself like I know I should. I'm scared that I'll just continue to let life pass me by and I'll never do all the things I know I really want to do but am too scared to admit to myself. 
• I won't find someone that gets me. I'm quite a bit to handle and sometimes I fear that I wont be able to find a life partner. Pathetic right?

These fears are starting to sound more and more like insecurities...


Hmmm I'll come back to this. Maybe.

Day 19: Five items you lust after

If money was no object and I could just buy whatever I wanted just for the hell of it, it would be these 5 things:

1. A laptop. Yes I'm a senior in college and I have yet to purchase a laptop. I've gotten by without it and after waiting all this time I probably shouldn't even bother. But I still would like the luxury of doing work in my room, in my drawers and not be bothered with going to a computer lab or lounge.
2. A new camera. My household shared a digital camera from early 2008 until a couple of months ago. We loaned it out to someone and when it was returned the battery would no longer charge. So a new camera for my household would be nice. Until then, I'll just use my cell phone's camera lol
3. A better wardrobe. I would love to revamp my closet and get a shitload of new clothes, shoes, bags and jewelry. Right now my selection of clothes is pretty damn sucky but my lack of funds is getting in the way of me making it better.
4. A new MP3 player. I've been rocking with my 8 GB Creative Labs Zen since August 08 and I haven't had any problems with it breaking or needing to be replaced. The only issue I have is that it doesn't have nearly enough space. I got a 4 GB memory card for it and it filled up quick as hell. And I don't rotate new music in and out of it often so I'm somewhat stuck with whats on it. I don't mind this, I just would like to be able to add music. I don't want something too fancy, I'd be perfectly happy with one very similar, just with more capacity.
5. Some new hair products. OMG there are so many I wanna try! I'm not interested in becoming a product junkie or jumping on bandwagons and all that stuff. I just feel like I have yet to explore different products and there's nothing wrong with trying out new things. I bought some Shea Moisture products last summer and since I'm just now about to run out I would like to try something different. I'd like to try some things from Enso Naturals, Darcy's Botanicals, Beija-Flor Naturals and maybe Cantu. I wouldn't go crazy buying a whole bunch of products and using them at the same time. I'd just like to give them a try, I don't see the harm in that.
   

Day 18: A problem that you have had

Due to the tropical storm that we had last weekend, I have been completely off track with the 30 Day Challenge. Campus did not have any internet until Tuesday and when we got it back I had absolutely no interest in writing blogs lol. Anywayyy I'm gonna get back on track and continue with today being day 18.

At first I didn't know what to write about seeing as though, like most people, I have plenty of problems lol. But earlier today I had a conversation with my friend about one of my issues so since its fresh on my brain, I'll go with that.

I have a difficult time enjoying myself at parties/clubs if I'm not intoxicated. The thing is, growing up I never danced. Let me reiterate that: I NEVER danced. Not at family functions, not by myself, not with friends. I was extremely shy with dancing. Ok ok, I can't say never because I actually remember that when I was really little, I loved to dance and play around. Aww, the sweet innocence of children before they become self conscious. But as I got older I just couldn't stand the thought of people looking at me while I danced. Unfortunately, now I'm 21 and I still have this problem.

I've gotten much better with dancing in public. I'm not quite as scared as before. While in HS I had a senior masquerade ball and of course prom. I was very sober in both instances and I forced myself to get up and dance. My reasoning was, I paid so damn much I had to get my money's worth. Plus I knew that if I was to look back, I would be pissed at myself for not allowing myself to dance. So I shook my ass, grinded on some people and allowed myself to be comfortable enough to enjoy myself. Was I still self conscious? Hell yeah! But I made myself get over it. The weekend after I graduated me and my friends had a beach party. I was very much so intoxicated and nobody could tell me anything. I was all over the place, enjoying the hell out of myself. That was when I realized I had found a way to escape my insecurities. I found my liquid courage.

Since then I've been to quite a few parties without drinking and semi-enjoyed myself. But let me get my hands on some liquor? I'm gone! I don't care what song is playing, who I'm dancing with, or if I even look good. All I do is feel the music and I'm alright. The difference when I'm sober is that if I don't like the music I won't dance. If I can't feel the music, I just won't wanna dance. So if I'm sober and a song that I absolutely love comes on, best believe I'm gonna shake my ass like there's no tomorrow. But let a song I hate come on, I have the mean grill on, arms folded and everything. I keep a guard up most of the time and when I'm at a party its actually worsened a bit. I know that its dark and no one gives a shit about what I'm doing but I just don't allow myself to let go.

The issue here isn't that I need to be able to enjoy parties. Parties are fun but are not that damn significant to my existence. The issue I have is that I'm using alcohol as a tool to loosen up. I need to learn how to enjoy myself completely sober. I guess I just need to be completely comfortable with me. I'm just not there yet...

Crochet Braids Pt. 2

I've had my second installment of crochet braids for a little over 2 weeks now and I'm loving them just as much as I did last time. This time I used two packs of Freetress Water Wave Bulk in #2 & #4. Towards the end we ran out of hair. Seeing as though Freetress bulk isn't sold around where I live, we had to scramble to get a similar curl pattern to match. So the front two braids in the middle of my head consist of mostly Glance Soft Water. There are a few slight differences between the two curl patterns, but nothing that is too noticeable.

I'm trying to keep my hair in protective styles for a while for a few reasons. I love the convenience of being able to just shake and go. I also would like to let my hair rest and just leave it alone for a while. Plus, its cute as hell lmaoo. I really love curly hair. Whether it is growing out of my scalp or I got it from a store doesn't really matter to me right now.