Day 3: A book you love

I don't read nearly as much as I did when I was younger. College has slightly ruined the pleasure of reading for me. But luckily I enjoy some of the reading for the classes I take for both my Sociology and Black Studies majors. One of the most memorable books that I've read so far is Assata: An Autobiography by Assata Shakur.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book because through reading about Assata's life and experiences I learned a bit about myself. Also, her story is captivating and it was hard for me to put the book down. Through her stories about growing up in the south, joining the Black Panthers, being convicted of a crime that she claims innocence to and her horrible treatment in prison, you learn quite a bit. It makes perfect sense that this was assigned reading for my Black Psychology class because the way it is written shows things from a refreshing perspective. If this seems like your cup of tea, I would definitely recommend this book.

Day 2: Something you feel strongly about

Hmmm, this is a good one. Now to pick just one thing....
Ok so I've decided to go with my feelings towards hair. It may seem trivial and insignificant to some but to me its a pretty big deal. I can talk about this topic for days so I'm gonna try to keep this brief.

I am beautiful, just the way I was intended to be. I don't need straight hair to feel pretty, acceptable or "normal." I've fallen in love with my curls and have absolutely no desire to ever chemically alter my hair again. Over the past 3 years of my natural hair journey I have learned so much about myself. At times I wish that I could send out a mass message to all women of African descent and tell them that they are beautiful, regardless of what they've learned and been conditioned to think their entire lives. That we are uniquely made and our hair is not a burden. The journey to natural hair can be tumultuous, stressful and confusing for some. For me it was nothing short of enlightening. Everybody's journey is different but I swear it is completely worth it. Stripping yourself of one of the many holds society has on you is just another step closer to discovering the real you.

Deciding to uncover your own truths in regards to hair has more to do with whats in your head than whats on it. Going natural is as much a mental transition as it is physical, if not more. Now I'm not saying that I wished every Black woman decided to embrace their natural hair because that would be foolish. But I do wish more people were educated on the subject. I know I might sound like a crazed lunatic but I'm so serious when I say that I wish people could stop to think about their history, surroundings, thoughts and behaviors and how everything is connected. I could have chosen a more pressing issue but out of the many issues in my community that I feel strongly about, strangely hair is on my mind most. Maybe there's something wrong with that. I don't care.

What I do know is that I don't miss this -->













Not one bit.

Day 1: Five ways to win your heart

1. Make me laugh or smile. Some good laughter is one of my favorite things, in life. I also say the most crazy, random things and you gotta be able to laugh with me as I laugh at myself.
2. If you love music like I love music, especially the same kind as me, you've won some major points lol
3. Challenge me. Don't always let me get my way and act like a scared lil punk when I huff and puff. If you can see past my bark you'll find that I am completely harmless.
4. Listen. I have to be able to talk about my feelings and not feel judged or scared to open up.
5. Let me in. Trust that I wont disappoint you.
6. Be honest with me. Always.

30 Day Challenge

I came across this challenge a couple of months ago and debated for a while whether or not I wanted to do it. At the time I figured I wouldn't have much to say so I brushed it off. But lately I've noticed that I haven't been writing that much and a challenge like this could actually be good for me. I need to get back into writing on a regular seeing as though the Fall semester is starting back up soon and I will be jumping back into the Fahari-Libertad plus I'll be taking two English classes. I'll get started later today.

Oh Yeah, I'm Great

I just realized that I don't ever really write about myself in a positive light. Other than me saying what I wanna do to better myself and my love affair with my hair, I don't really say much else. So I figured I'd make a short list of all the things that I like about myself. Just because :)

• I know random bits of information about the most random shit and when it comes to music and movies I like to know any and everything about the facts regarding them. 
• I love music, a lot. I love my relationship with music and how it vibrates through every inch of my being. Sometimes I feel as if I could never escape the hold it has on me. I wouldn't ever want to anyway :)
• I consider myself to be open minded and accepting. I like to consider things from different aspects before I make up my mind about it. 
• I don't think I have one shady bone in my body. No lie - I HATE lying. When I do I make it obvious by giggling so that doesn't even count lol. Plus I see no reason in being deceitful, sneaky or vindictive. For what?
• I'm not selfish. Like at all. Its kinda not so much a positive thing actually lol
• Physically - I love my hair and my eyes plus the fact that no matter how big or small I've been, my entire body is in proportion. I may complain about my weight but honestly, I still think I'm sexy as hell lmao
• I'm not a product of my environment. I like my values and morals. I'm not uptight but some shit I just can't get with.
• I'm not wrapped up in material things. I'm not money hungry. Some may see this as a flaw. I don't care. My goal in life is to live comfortably. That's it. 
• I love my infectious laugh. So do others :)
• I love my randomness. And I find myself to be quite funny when I wanna be.

Ok so that was the first 10 things that popped up in my head. It actually made me feel good...I should do this more often :)

When Will Enough Be Enough?

When I feel like reflecting on my life I come to my blog to read old posts. Like I've said before, this blog is basically my public journal. I have a constant need to talk about how I feel and what's going on in my head and writing it down has helped tremendously. Especially since I can come back and see how I used to feel. The sad part about it is that I've been saying the same shit over and over for the past 2 years. The themes of my blog are so sad and depressing, most of the time I'm surprised when people tell me they've read it. I halfway wish they wouldn't. Then the other half of me is glad someone even slightly gives a shit. I've lived most of my life feeling invisible, unnoticed, insignificant. And I've always had a strange relationship with that feeling. While I like that I've kept to myself and no one has ever really cared enough to bother me, at the same time, I've always wished just someone would notice me. Just a little bit. But then if someone does, I don't know what to do with it. I've had quite a few awkward encounters with people that come up to me telling that they like an article or poem that I've written. I'm flattered yet freaked out that they even cared enough to read it. Anyway, I just went on a crazy tangent so back to the what I was trying to say...

A few days ago I was talking to a friend and I mentioned that I haven't been talking to anybody lately. She instantly picked up that I was in a funk. I commented that I know that how I feel can be changed based on me, regardless of my circumstances, yet I can't seem to overcome this state of being that I have been in for what seems like forever.

When am I gonna stop and realize that this feeling is not normal??? That I truly do have the power to change my outlook on life? That how I'm treating myself is unhealthy? That my life can change drastically if I just try?

The thing is, I'm used to being me. I've become accustomed and complacent with my life and how I live it. That's my usual excuse. And it is hard to change how you think and act when you've been stuck just being yourself since...forever. The other day I read a letter that I wrote to myself in the 8th grade and you know what? I was singing the same ole sad song that I still sing today. How fucking sad? No really, how fucking sad is that?

Honestly, I'm tired. But obviously not tired enough to truly commit to making necessary changes in my life. I talk about it entirely too much. Now's the time to actually be about it.

Feeling Like Blahh

Lately I have been feeling so depressed and useless. I lay around the house watching TV or playing around on the computer. After an unsuccessful job search, I stopped looking weeks ago so now I just mope around the house like a loser. I've become a recluse, I rarely ever even go outside. Being a hermit is pretty damn depressing. But since I have so much time alone, doing a bunch of nothing, I have time to think and I realized that I'm not using my power in this situation. No I didn't find a job for the summer. I didn't start working out like I had planned. I barely even get fresh air. But I'm alive. I have food and shelter and people that care about me. I'm only miserable because I'm not allowing myself to see anything positive right now. Sometimes I fail to realize that my happiness is up to me. Regardless of my circumstances, I still have that power.

I may not be working right now but that doesn't mean that I can't be useful. I can still fill up my time reading and writing. I haven't been inspired to write anything lately and that can be attributed to that fact that I haven't read anything good in a while. I haven't started anything physical but I have ample time during the day to get up off my ass and do something. Shit I can get up and dance for 25 minutes, that's better than nothing. I can be doing housework or work on fixing up my room (which has become a dumping ground for random shit since I started college smh). The list goes on. But instead I just sit around, making myself feel even more useless.

I feel like a bum because I'm not working but everyone keeps saying "Oh you work so hard during the semester, its ok if you sit around and do nothing for a while." I couldn't disagree more.  If I supposedly work so hard during the semester then getting a break is perfectly justified. But for 3 entire months? No. I guess I can just take this summer as a blessing because come next May when I'll have to enter the real world, when will I get another chance to lay around and do nothing for 3 months? Unless I'm sick or on maternity leave, I just don't see this ever happening again. I guess I should just take advantage of it. Somehow...

Where's my drive? Pt.2

One of the tasks I gave myself was to make a list of my goals and desires. I've been sitting here, staring at the screen for a good 15 minutes and I have yet to come up with anything. What the hell does that even mean? I feel so stuck. I don't know what I want. Which is ok I guess...well, not really. Most people have an idea of what they like and want for themselves. Even if they are wrong and it falls through, there's still something for them to go off of. What do I have? Confusion and fear.

For the most part, I never know what I want. I'm extremely indecisive about almost everything and I'm constantly contradicting myself. What do I fear? Every damn thing. And after pondering on it I now see that I'm scared of how great I can be. If I actually apply myself and put some effort into my state of being just how great could I be? All of the problems that I knowingly deal with can be fixed, if I just give it a chance. But I don't give myself a chance. I lack confidence in myself in many aspects of my life and at times I feel like this can be fixed if I work on the problems I'm having. But the truth is nothing can even begin to be fixed if I don't work on me first. My thought process has to change. I have to realize that I am not only capable of turning my life around but worthy. Its like I'm scared to be great. I'm scared to go after the life that I want. So instead of actively pursuing things I just accept my situation and don't put in any work towards making things better.

I've gotten comfortable just existing. But who wants to just exist?? I don't anymore. I thought about making a declaration saying "from this day forward blah blah blah" but knowing me, it would be meaningless after a week. I am ready to be a better version of me. I just have to be willing to put in the work.

Bottom line: I'm getting in my own way.

Positivity? I am capable. I am worthy and deserving. If I actually apply myself I can achieve so much more and go so much further. I just have to keep reminding myself.

Big Fluffy Hair :)

A few weeks ago I was complaining about my hair being thin and not having as much body as I'd like. Then I decided to stop complaining and accept my curls as is. I started to think of ways I could make my hair seem bigger and then I realized I haven't blow dried my hair in months. I don't use heat on my hair often and its not because I'm one of those scary naturals that proclaim heat as the devil. I just don't see the need for it most of the time. Well last night I decided to blow dry my hair to see how big it could get:

Pretty Big :)

So I twisted my hair in hopes of having a fluffy big twistout. Later on that night I took out a twist and it had absolutely no definition to it, at all lol. So I decided to braid my hair instead. I haven't tried to do a braidout in over a year. I never had much luck with them. My hair would come out in this weird funky crinkle and I just decided to stick to twistouts because they were more reliable. But this time it came out great! I finally found a way to get my hair big and fluffy at this length :)

I'm soo feeling this look :)

I thought I was cute, until I got caught in the rain.

Womp womp womp

Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow :)