Waiting....

Getting personal once again...oh fucking well. No one reads this shit any damn way...


It's constantly on my mind...constantly in my dreams...when will it become a reality?

Impatiently waiting. All I wish is for it to just leave my thoughts.

But I'm surrounded by it.

Jill Scott says it better....





Yeah that's the only thing on my mind lately. Maybe I should just do something about it....starting now. Right fucking now.

Music

So lately I've been listening to a lot music and thinking to myself...hmmm why can't I do that? Why can't I write a song and not be scared to sing? And the answer is I can, I just choose not to out of fear. I'm getting really tired of my life being controlled by my fears. So far its gotten me nowhere, absolutely no where at all. Punking out of things that I wanna do only makes me more frustrated because after the fact I think to myself, "Hmm it couldn't have been that bad." But by then its too late and pointless to dwell on the past. So maybe I can try to actually do something a little out the box for once in my life. So now the question is when, when will I muster up the courage to say "fuck it" and do what I really want to do? But I'm too scared to say "now" so where does that lead me? Back to the beginning.

Cross My Mind

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing, I mean what you've been up to.
I know its wrong feeling so strong, let me take a second minute hour think this thing through....

I hate feeling this way.

Uhhhhh

Maybe I'm just having a moment. Felt the need to post this picture...maybe it'll help me describe how I'm feeling right now. It's kinda hard for me to put it into words actually so I'm gonna try....

I feel uhhhh frustrated!!!! Misunderstood, misconceived, misconstrued, misinterpreted....

But when I look at this pic something warm and fuzzy inside of me happens lmaoo ok well maybe not. I just love seeing myself with a smile because it seems like my smiles have been few and far between lately.

Unknown

No one knows me....
And although I complain about this, I think I like it this way. Twisted right? I wanna be acknowledged while simultaneously I'm terrified of having the spotlight. WTF?

I stay in my own little box, only saying hi and bye to people, never really getting close. And when I do get close, it never seems to last. But I want people to see me for who I really am, not the hi/bye me. But if I never stop how could they? I don't allow it yet I long for it...always have. I've never really had many friends and while I can just blame people for not seeing the real me the real blame should be put on me. Using my shyness as an excuse can't work anymore. I'm tired of being shy and quiet. TIRED of it, on some real shit.

Just Running Cross My Mind

Why is this guy on my mind? I just don't get it. "My First Love" by Avant ft. Keke Wyatt is playing right now and somehow its making me smile. The relationship I had with my first love ended on what you could call bad terms and so I try my hardest to deny the fact that I actually once loved him and enjoyed being with him. After we went our separate ways I tend to only talk about the negative things regarding him but lately that has become more and more difficult. I find myself wondering how he's doing, how his family is, if he's alright. Then there's a part of me that's like eww why am I thinking about this person - I'm sure hes not thinking about me. And yet I can't help but wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. Do I cross his mind? Maybe...probably not. He's probably moved on to the next chick without even wondering if I'm alive and breathing. But why should he care? He made it obvious he would never care for me the way I wanted him to so why should I be thinking about this? Maybe it's cuz I'm lonely and in need of male attention. He is the only guy I've been with so I guess it's natural for me to think about him because he is the only man in my past.

Desires...Pt.2

So I decided to skim through my old blog posts to see if anything interesting popped up that I could revisit. I came across this one. And not surprisingly, I still feel the same way. I wrote this back in March and although it wasn't too long ago, I still feel like I should be feeling better than this by now. Ughhh its so frustrating. I need some testosterone in my life on some real shit. It's really effecting me in a way I don't particularly like. I just need some attention. The kind of attention only a man can bring. There's just a certain energy men have and I'm lacking in it right now. Seriously.....

Invisible Pt 2

I wrote my last blog in class while we were having a library session and right after class on my way to lunch this song came on....




What a coincidence?

I love this song, always have and always will. I could always relate to it and sadly it is exactly how I feel sometimes. Here's the lyrics:
Who really cares?
Who really cares?
When I talk?
What I feel?
What I say?
Nobody not really

Who wants to take
The time to understand
I would like someone to heal me with some empathy
But I can't find…
Nobody not really

Maybe I'm invisible to the world
Does anyone in the world even think of me?
As more than just a hopeless cause
Maybe the world is not my block

My stoop
My life
My dreams
My anything, anything

Who wants to help?
Mama, but she's so tired
Papa, but you're not here
I'm alone in a big empty space with
Nobody not really


SELF EXPLANATORY

Invisible Pt. 1

Maybe I'm getting too personal on my blog...
Oh well fuck it, I feel like writing so I don't really care if it is too personal.
Sometimes I feel invisible. No one sees me, no one wants to see me, no one cares. I know this sounds depressing but it's how I feel. The really sad part is that this isn't a new feeling, I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. Sad right? But lately it has gotten worse. I guess I've been feeling this way because it seems as though no one wants me, no one is interested in me. Maybe I just don't see them. Hahaha, there is no one to see.


I'll be back later....

Lonely Depressed Overweight Blues

September 26

The title speaks for itself. That's how I'm feeling and quite honestly, these feelings I'm having suck huge, hairy monkey balls. I hate feeling like this because I would be the first to say how loving yourself is most important, even your flaws. But right now I'm feeling like I'm the only one loving me and that's weighing on my self esteem. Plus my recent weight gain is making it worse. I actually consider myself fat now...never did before. What the fuck? I need to take a proactive choice about my life and start to change the things I don't like about myself. Not for anyone else - I just need to feel better about myself. And how could I expect someone else to want me when I don't even like what I see anymore. I hate this shit. I got the depressed lonely overweight blues.....updates later.

October 2

I’m gorgeous and I know this but lately I look at my pictures and I don’t see the same spark I used to. Where has my beauty gone? Is it the weight? Is it the slump I been in for months? Lack of penis? Lowered confidence in self? Damn that sounds terrible. I never thought I’d be talking about myself and using the words “loss” and “confidence” in the same sentence. It’s just not me. But the me I am now isn’t the true me. Isn’t the me at the highest potential. No I’m not at my highest potential right now…I’m not being all I can be at this moment. So what is stopping me? I don’t know what’s wrong with me…well maybe that’s not true. Avoiding issues never lead to anything so maybe I need to assess myself.

Hmmm…first off I hate admitting it but I’m lonely. Yes I have friends and family but there’s something missing, some type of void. And I’m not implying that a man can fill this void because I don’t even think this is the case. It’s just closeness. I miss it. And the people closest to me I care about and I’m pretty sure they care about me, but they aren’t fulfilling all my needs. My best friend isn’t really concerned with how I feel. We have long hour long conversations…about him. But maybe that’s my purpose, I’m his ear. So where is mine? My sister is the person I’m closest to in this world but we’re too far and there’s but so much texting can do for you. But that’s just not my emotional needs being met, what about my physical? I’m not being heard, I don’t feel important and I have no physical contact with people. At all. I don’t even mean sexual. Hugs are nice; a comforting touch is good too. Then there’s my sex life, or lack thereof. It’d be very nice to have someone want to be with me in that way, not just for their own enjoyment but mine too. But now for the first time I’m feeling insecure about my body. What the hell? So maybe what I need to do is get myself in order – all sides of me. Maybe then I could care just a little bit about a man. Right now I’m not in that position.

Then there’s school stressing me out. Or should I rephrase that – me stressing myself out about school. It’s all because of my damn procrastination. My fucking slow procrastinating self. Ughhhhhhh I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs…but then I’d be looking a little crazy probably. So maybe I won’t do that…but I feel like it. I just need a release. A damn release to get rid of my frustrations and all these feelings I’m having. A penis would come in handy in this situation......