Going in Circles

Its been so long since I've been with someone, I feel like when I do allow someone in, I'm gonna fall to pieces. I try so hard to put up this front that I'm ok and I'm strong but I know if a man came and wanted to be strong for me, I wouldn't fight it. I probably would turn to mush in his hands. I would turn into a crying blubbering mess and scare this poor man away. Or he'd stay and let me release everything that I've been holding in for years. It would be refreshing to have someone tell me its ok. to. just. be.

I don't even know if I'm capable of that anymore. I'm always on guard or preoccupied with something else. Yeah I've been crying all the time lately and I always try my hardest to get what I'm feeling off my chest. But I usually leave out a big chunk of how I'm feeling. so. alone. A man can't fix this but shit, he might be able to make me feel a little better. Just for me to know that someone else is interested in me. Yeah I know that I've said this before - if I don't want me, no one else will. And a man can't really validate me, that's something that I need to do on my own. But damn, can I remember what it feels like to be desired? I know that I'm always running in this same circle and nothing will change if I don't try to change myself. So what is it that I need to work on?

Ok so I'm awkward. So what. I'm probably always gonna be awkward so I just need to find someone who understands me lol. Most of the time I laugh at myself and keep it moving. I know that I don't know how to interact with boys. Either I'm too serious, I scare them off with my crazy mouth or I run away and avoid them altogether. When I like someone, I don't act like it. I'm so scared that if I look them in the eye they'll see right through me and figure out how I feel. And I wear my emotions on my face, so you can usually see how I'm feeling verrrry clearly lol. Maybe I just need to stop being a punk and learn how to be more outgoing. Or maybe I just need to work on my confidence. Or maybe I'll just curl up in a ball and stay lonely as fuck -__-

Of course, I'll revisit this again soon.