We haven't been getting along because of me. You're just reacting to my shitty attitude. Not even wondering how it has gotten this way. If you're ready to give up because I'm unhappy with life and you don't know how to deal with it is that really my fault? Not that its yours either...
It just seems like we only work out well when you're the one in need.
Well I'm not the strong one right now. I'm too busy being miserable. Sorry.
Maybe you had a bad day, maybe you had a bad week. I don't know, I didn't get a chance to ask. When I'm tired, hungry and irritable, I know I don't have the best attitude. But you didn't really give me a chance...well I didn't give you a chance either. I don't even know what the fuck went down. It was a complete misunderstanding. But you wanna give up right?
I think I'm depressed. I've been crying every other day for no damn reason. I been having horrible insomnia...I avoid sleep because sleeping means another day has to start. Sometimes I go an entire day without eating, I just don't see the point. But then you ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm fine. I'm obviously lying but I won't allow the truth to come out. Why would I do that? You can't make me feel better. So why tell you? Why waste my time? I'll sit and listen to your problems and hope that maybe you would hint at caring a bit about how I'm feeling. Yeah I know, confusing right? I know I'm complex. I want you to take time out of your life and ask me how I'm doing and I'll refuse to give you an answer. But I want you to ask, I want you to care even if I can't share it with you. I need to know that you're genuinely concerned. Maybe I'm too demanding. No. Even as I type this I know that's not true. I don't ask for much. I know I can be a pain. I know I take a lot of energy to be around sometimes. But uhhh so can you....
You wanna ignore me, cool. I guess I've been transported back in time to a place when the people closest to me decided to just give up on me.
Most of the time I don't ever have to stop and say, "Hey how was your day?" because you tell me automatically. But then do you ask me about mine? No. This relationship is not level. I'm here for you but can you say the same? I try to tell you about my feelings, you say mmhmm then keep talking. You don't really listen. But maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe what I want from you I will never get. I accepted that a while ago but what about me? Who do I turn to when I need something? You say you're tired of being the nice guy, tired of being patient. I understand that completely but who told you to be that for me? That's not what I need. I don't want someone that walks on eggshells around me. Cuz then where does that lead us? Neither one of us is getting what we need. We can do so much better, so why arent we? Is it me? Hmm...am I that much of an insensitive bitch? Or maybe you just can't handle it. Well who said you should even have to? You shouldn't. I put it on you when you aren't built for it. Maybe I just need something else, someone else. Maybe this has run its course. Too much huh? Too much you, too much me, too much of us. Its ok. I'll be fine. But will you? You wanted to give up right? Well go right ahead then. If its that easy to walk away then maybe we wasted all this time.
Maybe this is what we need...separation.
And I bet you won't ever read this. I never asked you to.
I keep crying and I don't know why.
Well, that might be a lie.
Maybe I do know why and I'm avoiding it.
When I cry I feel like I'm pitying myself...like its poor little Shatera.
I don't like that feeling...so I'd rather keep it to myself.
But that only makes it worse...
your encouraging words just make me want to cry
I don't believe it
I don't believe you
and why should i?
you're lying to me any fucking way
just to make me feel better
where is the reassurance?
I don't want you to tell me its all gonna be ok
stop lying to me
I don't believe it
leave me in my misery
you think you're making it better
you're just making it worse
Sometimes I sit and think about what it would be like if I was a singer. No, not a famous singer, just a singer. I love to sing but my voice isn't all that great. What I love even more than singing is listening to music; nothing compares to how good that makes me feel. So I wonder how it would be if I could have that affect on people. How would it be if I could create and evoke emotions in people with my words and voice. A part of me wants to say this is possible, I mean I don't have a horrible voice lol. Its just not where I want it to be. I wouldn't dare sing in front of people, alone, on purpose lol. But I'm getting there I guess. Even if I don't ever share my love of music with others through song, some day in life before I die I must go into a studio and make some songs. That's always been a dream of mine. Even if the music is for my personal enjoyment and no one ever hears it. I think I just need that experience.
Hmmm.......
I should have better control over my life. Right now I feel like I have no clue what the fuck I am doing. I'm allowing things to consume me that shouldn't. Schoolwork, thoughts, insecurities about what I'm doing and where I'm going. It feels like I just don't know anymore...not that I ever did. I guess...
you pull me closer to you
I want it, but I don't want it to show
I don't want you to know that I'm aching for you
anticipating your touch
your skin on mine
those beautiful lips
touching every part of me
tasting me
I hold my breath
trying not to moan
and call out
so sweet
you taste so good
I don't want this to end
you grab me, tell me I'm yours
for the moment, I believe you
give into the fantasy that all of me is what you desire
and not just parts of me
I run from the truth and crash into you
our bodies collide
momentarily we are one
she's no longer important
all that matters is right now
with your skin touching mine
your soft caresses
kisses
you go deeper
I let you in
even though you don't deserve it, damn it feels so good
I lie to myself and say that you're mine
but you never were, never will be
we embrace for this moment
but I know come morning, it will just be a memory
you were never really here
this was never real
October 7, 2010
Ugh I hate talking to someone and they already have their response ready before I finish my sentence. You obviously weren't listening and aren't basing your response off of what I'm saying. This is no longer a conversation, we're competing. And where is the learning in that? It makes me not wanna have a discussion anymore. If the entire time I'm talking, you're thinking of a response, you aren't listening to me. I know I'm guilty of doing this sometimes, we all are. It just irks the hell out of me. I just can't stand when someone's response isn't based off of my statement and they start speaking before I even finish my sentence. Ugh ok, that's my rant for the day lol.
Lyrics:
The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah
I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
Please understand
That its not that I don't care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended in ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Mmmmmmm... beautiful...
I don't know about you but I for damn sure would like to go to beautiful. Sometimes I feel like I need an escape. I just wanna get away from people, away from life...to go somewhere to clear my mind, abandon everything and be free. Right now the only way for me to get there is through music. I close my eyes and feel....it just takes me away.
Today I took a walk in the rain
Slow strides, no umbrella to shield me from the wetness
I look up into the sky, thinking, why do we run from the rain?
Why do we curse its arrival?
As the little drops hit me and tickle my face, I wonder...
Am I the only one that sees this beauty?
We wouldn't be here without the rain
What would replenish us?
Suddenly filled with joy
I was tempted to kick up leaves and sing and dance
But I feared I would look like a fool
Maybe I am, for not recognizing this beauty sooner
The rain stopped, it saddened me
I wished it would return
So that I could be soaked in its knowledge
Once again
As I walked through campus aimlessly, this song began to play: Hey You - Floetry. As usual, I love when my music speaks to me and connects to how I'm feeling. This was such a perfect song for the moment. Smooth, soothing, and beautiful like the rain ♥
So after reading my last post, I felt the need to elaborate. I've been single for what seems like foreverrrrr. And sure during this time there have been a few guys that were interested, but I can't quite say it was reciprocated. Plus most of the time, these situations just lead to dead ends.
I said that I might not be ready, and well that may be true but at the same time that's how I feel. I'm not seeking validation from the opposite sex but who doesn't like that kind of attention? Who doesn't want to be desired? Who doesn't want to feel like they're necessary or important to someone? And it's not that I don't feel this way. My family and friends make me feel loved on a daily basis. But there's still something missing. Something that my homies and kinfolk just can't give me, no matter how hard I try to substitute it.
I wrote a post in March 09 called Desires and it seems like nothing has changed since then. I get tired of talking about being single (& I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about it lol). But the truth is I hate this feeling. There's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. No I'm not alone, but I can't help but feel lonely at times. I hate admitting to my feelings but I have to tell myself I'm human too and its completely normal. It's just so frustrating, what I want is pretty simple...
I've been in ♥♥♥ with this song ever since the very first time I heard it.
Here are the lyrics...
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respects the spirit world
And thinks with his heart
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My eyes
My soul
My mind
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
I am ready
It seems like I've felt this way forever. A lot of time has passed since I've had someone genuinely interested in me. But I've come to understand this is not a mistake. I've been saying that I'm patiently waiting but the truth is I have not been. It seems like the more I want it, the less feasible it becomes. So maybe I need to stop lying to myself. Maybe I'm not quite ready. But one thing I do know is I'm for damn sure willing...
