Just Shatera

I feel like titles and labels limit me. Titles do not denote my identity. I don't want to be defined by the things I do. I don't like being called a writer or a poet or a singer. I'm fine with just Shatera. With titles come expectations. I don't want to be forced to live up to a title. Titles put us in boxes. These boxes are filled with stereotypical behavior associated with the titles. It seems to just be a cycle that I don't want a part of. It may sound funny but that's just how I see it...

I ♥ My Hair

Wow its been 18 months since my BC. I hadn't even realized it had been that long until last week when I cut off the relaxed ends of my sister's hair. She did the same for me in May 09, which really doesn't seem too long ago. But that's not the point of this post...

I'm so tired of people saying that going natural is a fad. To me being natural is not a hairstyle. Its a choice. A conscious decision to accept yourself in your natural state. Being natural to me isn't about a lifestyle, its about learning how to be yourself. There is something so beautiful about a woman that rejects society's ideas of what is acceptable and rejects what they've been taught their whole lives to learn their own truth. Nappy hair is beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for anything else. There's this certain confidence I found that I never had before. I feel like I'm more me than I ever was before.

May 09

Sept. 10

I seriously ♥ my hair.

She's Single - Raheem DeVaughn

Monday night at 11 PM Raheem DeVaughn released his new mixtape Jackin 4 Beats, which was accompanied by his new video for She's Single. I automatically fell in love with the video (there's not much that Raheem does that I don't like). The video is a bit explicit and has caused quite a stir with people. I've been hearing a lot of complaints and I'm having a hard time understanding where they're coming from. Here's a few that I've been seeing repeatedly:

1. Its distasteful - I can understand that not everyone is interested in seeing a sexual act reenacted in a music video. Ok that makes sense. But what is so nasty about this video? As Raheem has stated numerous time, he makes grown folk's music. So whoever is watching this video should be grown and hopefully, mature. This video is just a representation of what grown folks do when alone. And we, as sexual beings, should not be so afraid to embrace when someone wants to showcase their sexuality.

2. It's disrespectful - Huh? To who? The woman in the video is not being disrespected in any way. It looks to me like quite the opposite is happening. And as a woman I do not feel disrespected by watching this video. One person said that if little girls watch this video it will lead to them allowing men to disrespect them. Huh? 1. Little girls shouldn't be watching this, at all. 2. I see no correlation between watching people have sex and disrespect. I just don't. There is no disrespect here. Just grown people consenting to enjoying each other's bodies.

3. OMG who is this guy? Who even cares? - You're wasting your time commenting for one. And for two, Raheem DeVaughn has been around for years and he has quite a following. His fans understand that he is a complex artist. Which leads me to the next one.

4. This is so out of character for Raheem, what is going on? - Raheem is a self proclaimed R&B Hippie NeoSoul RockStar and he lives up to his name. He doesn't like being put in a box, and he definitely shouldn't be. Yes he makes bedroom music, but he also makes socially conscious music and let's just party music. Its ok to do more than one thing. As humans we are complex beings - people need to understand that.

5. The quality of music videos is declining - I agree. Most videos are surrounded by sex, drinking and partying. Those videos are pointless to me, but at the same time Rah's video can seem pointless. But it isn't. Since so much sex is involved people don't see the art in it. He is entitled to artistic expression and he used it. I actually enjoyed this video (after I got over the initial shock lol). I even felt envious of the girl in the video and I don't even want Raheem in that way lol. It told a story of enjoyable lovemaking and now, the thought of the video makes me smile. Mission accomplished.

You can decide for yourself if the video is too much.

Official Video: Raheem DeVaughn - "She's Single" from 368 Music Group on Vimeo.

Did he go too far?

Single Life

So the other day there was a trending topic on Twitter that looked something like #whyblackwomenaresingle #reasonsblackgirlsaresingle #blackwomenaresingle or something like that...can't quite remember. But anyway it sparked something in me because there were many negative things said about Black women that rubbed me the wrong way.Then I starting thinking, why should I be offended if these comments don't even apply to me? Which they don't.

I know why I'm single.

I'm single because my exterior doesn't match my interior
they see my physical features and don't dig any deeper

I guess my 5ft9 thick and shapely frame is too much for you.
I guess its because I can hold an intelligent conversation, make you laugh and think.
I guess its my gentle soothing touch that can ignite you from within.
I guess its because I can arouse you without even touching you.

It's because you're intimidated by my education and ambitions for obtaining more.
It's because I'm not easy, I create a challenge and I'm worth the wait.
It's because she gave it up but I didn't.
It's because you don't like women with substance.
It's because you feel inadequate compared to me.

Why are you so damn afraid?
Come out of hiding

I Wasted My Vagina On You, Yes You

I've been debating for a while whether or not I wanted to write this post but I figured...ehh why the hell not? Its been on my brain so why not write about it.

I know I was never important to you. I was nothing more than a lay. But I don't give myself away that easily. So why did I with you? Simple. I was lonely, you were there. You were slightly interested...that was enough. But that should never be enough. I'm worth more than a slight curiosity and interest. I'm more than just some chick that let you creep up inside of her. I'm more than that. So how did this happen? Simple. I felt alone. Those brief moments with you gave me comfort...temporarily. That's all they were good for and were barely good for that. What makes it worse is that I didn't desire you and I knew you didn't desire me. Your performance was lacking, barely there, nonexistent. A waste of time and a waste of my body. Damn, I wasted my vagina on you...yes you.

I should've known better.
I didn't.
I will know better.
I do.
The next person I share my body with will be worth it.

So now I feel stupid. I knew you thought I was young and naive. But I was neither of those. My age and {lack of} experience has nothing to do with it. I allowed myself to be tricked into thinking it was ok. But it wasn't.

This post is a combination of my feelings about an experience and different women. Women (and men) all have experiences that they wish never happened or they feel could've been prevented. But it happened anyway and now there's regret. For me, there is no regret...just a lesson learned.

So Here's Nothing...

I recently got a complaint that I don't blog enough. So I sat and thought, and thought, then thought some more. I couldn't think of anything to write about. And that's when I realized I'm an emotional writer. I can't just randomly write something without an emotion being tied to it. Which is why I have difficulty writing about topics that I don't care about. Also, I don't see the need in writing a blog every single day. Not that much interesting shit happens to me lol. Plus, I like to write about how I feel, not the things I do. Sooo for who's complaining about me not writing...here's your blog about nothing lol.

I need too.

We haven't been getting along because of me. You're just reacting to my shitty attitude. Not even wondering how it has gotten this way. If you're ready to give up because I'm unhappy with life and you don't know how to deal with it is that really my fault? Not that its yours either...


It just seems like we only work out well when you're the one in need.

Well I'm not the strong one right now. I'm too busy being miserable. Sorry.

I need too.

Maybe I'm just a shitty friend.

Maybe you had a bad day, maybe you had a bad week. I don't know, I didn't get a chance to ask. When I'm tired, hungry and irritable, I know I don't have the best attitude. But you didn't really give me a chance...well I didn't give you a chance either. I don't even know what the fuck went down. It was a complete misunderstanding. But you wanna give up right?


I think I'm depressed. I've been crying every other day for no damn reason. I been having horrible insomnia...I avoid sleep because sleeping means another day has to start. Sometimes I go an entire day without eating, I just don't see the point. But then you ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm fine. I'm obviously lying but I won't allow the truth to come out. Why would I do that? You can't make me feel better. So why tell you? Why waste my time? I'll sit and listen to your problems and hope that maybe you would hint at caring a bit about how I'm feeling. Yeah I know, confusing right? I know I'm complex. I want you to take time out of your life and ask me how I'm doing and I'll refuse to give you an answer. But I want you to ask, I want you to care even if I can't share it with you. I need to know that you're genuinely concerned. Maybe I'm too demanding. No. Even as I type this I know that's not true. I don't ask for much. I know I can be a pain. I know I take a lot of energy to be around sometimes. But uhhh so can you....

You wanna ignore me, cool. I guess I've been transported back in time to a place when the people closest to me decided to just give up on me.


I guess history is repeating itself.

Separation

Most of the time I don't ever have to stop and say, "Hey how was your day?" because you tell me automatically. But then do you ask me about mine? No. This relationship is not level. I'm here for you but can you say the same? I try to tell you about my feelings, you say mmhmm then keep talking. You don't really listen. But maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe what I want from you I will never get. I accepted that a while ago but what about me? Who do I turn to when I need something? You say you're tired of being the nice guy, tired of being patient. I understand that completely but who told you to be that for me? That's not what I need. I don't want someone that walks on eggshells around me. Cuz then where does that lead us? Neither one of us is getting what we need. We can do so much better, so why arent we? Is it me? Hmm...am I that much of an insensitive bitch? Or maybe you just can't handle it. Well who said you should even have to? You shouldn't. I put it on you when you aren't built for it. Maybe I just need something else, someone else. Maybe this has run its course. Too much huh? Too much you, too much me, too much of us. Its ok. I'll be fine. But will you? You wanted to give up right? Well go right ahead then. If its that easy to walk away then maybe we wasted all this time.

Maybe this is what we need...separation.


And I bet you won't ever read this. I never asked you to.

Lágrimas.

I keep crying and I don't know why.
Well, that might be a lie.
Maybe I do know why and I'm avoiding it.
When I cry I feel like I'm pitying myself...like its poor little Shatera.
I don't like that feeling...so I'd rather keep it to myself.
But that only makes it worse...

Solo

your encouraging words just make me want to cry
I don't believe it
I don't believe you
and why should i?
you're lying to me any fucking way
just to make me feel better
where is the reassurance?
I don't want you to tell me its all gonna be ok
stop lying to me
I don't believe it
leave me in my misery



you think you're making it better
you're just making it worse

♫♫♫♫

Sometimes I sit and think about what it would be like if I was a singer. No, not a famous singer, just a singer. I love to sing but my voice isn't all that great. What I love even more than singing is listening to music; nothing compares to how good that makes me feel. So I wonder how it would be if I could have that affect on people. How would it be if I could create and evoke emotions in people with my words and voice. A part of me wants to say this is possible, I mean I don't have a horrible voice lol. Its just not where I want it to be. I wouldn't dare sing in front of people, alone, on purpose lol. But I'm getting there I guess. Even if I don't ever share my love of music with others through song, some day in life before I die I must go into a studio and make some songs. That's always been a dream of mine. Even if the music is for my personal enjoyment and no one ever hears it. I think I just need that experience.


Hmmm.......

I should have better control over my life. Right now I feel like I have no clue what the fuck I am doing. I'm allowing things to consume me that shouldn't. Schoolwork, thoughts, insecurities about what I'm doing and where I'm going. It feels like I just don't know anymore...not that I ever did. I guess...

Collision

you pull me closer to you
I want it, but I don't want it to show
I don't want you to know that I'm aching for you
anticipating your touch
your skin on mine
those beautiful lips
touching every part of me
tasting me

I hold my breath
trying not to moan
and call out
so sweet
you taste so good
I don't want this to end

you grab me, tell me I'm yours
for the moment, I believe you
give into the fantasy that all of me is what you desire
and not just parts of me
I run from the truth and crash into you
our bodies collide
momentarily we are one
she's no longer important
all that matters is right now

with your skin touching mine
your soft caresses
kisses
you go deeper

I let you in
even though you don't deserve it, damn it feels so good
I lie to myself and say that you're mine
but you never were, never will be

we embrace for this moment
but I know come morning, it will just be a memory
you were never really here
this was never real

Ugh I hate talking to someone and they already have their response ready before I finish my sentence. You obviously weren't listening and aren't basing your response off of what I'm saying. This is no longer a conversation, we're competing. And where is the learning in that? It makes me not wanna have a discussion anymore. If the entire time I'm talking, you're thinking of a response, you aren't listening to me. I know I'm guilty of doing this sometimes, we all are. It just irks the hell out of me. I just can't stand when someone's response isn't based off of my statement and they start speaking before I even finish my sentence. Ugh ok, that's my rant for the day lol.

Come With Me...

Beautiful - India.Arie




Lyrics:
The time is right
I'm gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow
Yeah

I wanna go to a place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequences oh yeah
The sky opens to my prayers

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,

Please understand
That its not that I don't care
But right now these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe

I wanna go to a place where I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I'm suspended in ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right

I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,
I wanna go to beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Mmmmmmm... beautiful...


I don't know about you but I for damn sure would like to go to beautiful. Sometimes I feel like I need an escape. I just wanna get away from people, away from life...to go somewhere to clear my mind, abandon everything and be free. Right now the only way for me to get there is through music. I close my eyes and feel....it just takes me away.

Don't you just love that feeling?

La Lluvia En Mi Cara

Today I took a walk in the rain
Slow strides, no umbrella to shield me from the wetness
I look up into the sky, thinking, why do we run from the rain?
Why do we curse its arrival?

As the little drops hit me and tickle my face, I wonder...
Am I the only one that sees this beauty?
We wouldn't be here without the rain
What would replenish us?

Suddenly filled with joy
I was tempted to kick up leaves and sing and dance
But I feared I would look like a fool
Maybe I am, for not recognizing this beauty sooner

The rain stopped, it saddened me
I wished it would return
So that I could be soaked in its knowledge
Once again





As I walked through campus aimlessly, this song began to play: Hey You - Floetry. As usual, I love when  my music speaks to me and connects to how I'm feeling. This was such a perfect song for the moment. Smooth, soothing, and beautiful like the rain ♥

Ready For Love Pt. II

So after reading my last post, I felt the need to elaborate. I've been single for what seems like foreverrrrr. And sure during this time there have been a few guys that were interested, but I can't quite say it was reciprocated. Plus most of the time, these situations just lead to dead ends.


I said that I might not be ready, and well that may be true but at the same time that's how I feel. I'm not seeking validation from the opposite sex but who doesn't like that kind of attention? Who doesn't want to be desired? Who doesn't want to feel like they're necessary or important to someone? And it's not that I don't feel this way. My family and friends make me feel loved on a daily basis. But there's still something missing. Something that my homies and kinfolk just can't give me, no matter how hard I try to substitute it.


I wrote a post in March 09 called Desires and it seems like nothing has changed since then. I get tired of talking about being single (& I'm sure people are tired of hearing me talk about it lol). But the truth is I hate this feeling. There's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. No I'm not alone, but I can't help but feel lonely at times. I hate admitting to my feelings but I have to tell myself I'm human too and its completely normal. It's just so frustrating, what I want is pretty simple...

Ready For Love

I've been in ♥♥♥ with this song ever since the very first time I heard it. 



Here are the lyrics...

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respects the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready


It seems like I've felt this way forever. A lot of time has passed since I've had someone genuinely interested in me. But I've come to understand this is not a mistake. I've been saying that I'm patiently waiting but the truth is I have not been. It seems like the more I want it, the less feasible it becomes. So maybe I need to stop lying to myself. Maybe I'm not quite ready. But one thing I do know is I'm for damn sure willing...

Vulnerability doesn't look well on me...

I hate letting people know I care about them. Its a serious issue I have and in a way, hindering to the possible development of future relationships. I don't like to let people know I care or show any signs that they might be important to me. I know, it sounds fucked up right? I don't know how I've gotten here...well maybe I do. If I don't let you know I care, I'm not putting myself out there in a vulnerable position. And I HATE being or seeming to be vulnerable. Its a serious problem of mine. I don't wanna be a clingy person...that's annoying. But its gotten to a point where I don't even like texting people to say hi or ask them about their day. Cuz if I do that, then they know I was thinking about them and that I might actually care. Twisted right? This could possibly hinder me in the future in case a guy is actually interested in me but doesn't feel like its being reciprocated. But then again, if I'm the only one trying to contact you then I feel like you're not interested and I move on. Why keep pursuing someone that doesn't want you? Waste of time, energy and fuck it, self esteem. I can't get with it.

Yo, where the dudes at?

I need some guy friends. I was having a conversation with a friend and talking to her made me think, hmm how would this conversation be different if she was a guy? Not that the conversation was lacking, it's just that I can't really remember the last time I had a serious conversation with someone of the opposite sex. Somehow I've gotten surrounded by girls and to be honest, its kinda annoying.

It's kinda weird how people see me vs. how I see myself. I happen to be quite a friendly person. I'm just antisocial and I don't like being around people lol. I know that sounds like a complete contradiction but that's just how I see it. Me keeping to myself and not looking approachable can definitely explain why I have a small amount of friends, almost none of them being guys... 
I've come to the realization that most dudes don't pay me any mind cuz I look like I might stab them in the nutsack if they say hello to me. I know I look mean passing by...I'm working on that lol. But anyway, lately I've just been missing the simple things in life...

I miss late night conversations...

Sometimes I seriously miss having a him...

Ugh I wish it wouldn't always come back to this. Somehow it always does.

Personal Bio

A while ago I decided to take an acting class to loosen myself up and attempt to lose some shyness. So this semester I'm taking intro to acting and its not as bad as I imagined. Our first assignment was to do a personal bio. For one minute we go up in front of the class and tell them about ourselves, without reading anything. I dreaded going, I was completely and utterly terrified because to me, getting up and talking in front of people is scary (well its that way for most people lol). Today was my day to go and I have to say I was completely surprised by the outcome. I was extremely nervous but somehow that wasn't conveyed. The response from the class actually scared me a bit. Everyone gave me a compliment and I didn't hear anything negative. What the hell?!?! I was expecting people to nitpick all my mistakes and tell me all the things I did wrong but no one did. Is it bad that I kinda wish I would've gotten negative feedback? It is so difficult for me to take compliments. Afterward I felt so relieved and a bit proud. Me doing so well just showed that I still don't know what I'm capable of and I can get over my fears and just say fuck it. Hmm, maybe I don't know myself as well as I thought....

Sometimes I wonder...where the fuck am I going?

Vacation

So my school decided to have a weird ass fall break during the first week of September. My sister and I both needed to escape the city so we decided to go to North Carolina for a week. I haven't seen my family in so long its a damn shame lol. But anyway, while we were there we didn't do too much. Just being away from the city was good enough for me. It's kinda sad that the whole time I was dreading coming back up north. I've come to a point where I don't want to be home but I don't want to be at school. I don't know what it is but nothing seems to excite me right now. Its like my life is lacking color. Everything is dull and monotonous...no excitement. Of course I could change that if I wanted to but I've somehow become complacent with my continual state of contentment. That's what I'm living in right now - I'm not happy, sad, or angry...just content. And somewhat hopeful. Things can't last this way for too long. Let's hope.


Oh how I wish I was sitting on a sunny beach right now...


Oh how nice that would be...

Drown Me

I could drown in you
soak up every bit of you

how is it that you can touch every inch of my being?
my entire body responds to you like an old lover
I want it all

you've always known exactly how to affect me in this way
greedily, I drink you
give me more, I can never have too much

I'm speechless, lost in you
with nothing to say, all I can do is close my eyes...
I feel you...completely

my very existence was created to co-exist with you
we were destined to be together
I don't know if I could survive without you

I take you in
the sustenance to my being
I need you

Dark room. Loud music. Hips moving. Mind free.

We are all complex beings. Why don't people get that?

I ♥ ♫

In The Realm of Music
By Shatera G. Fahari-Libertad Spring 09 - Technology/Communication Issue

I can depend on you
I’m assured that you won’t let me down
You’re not selfish
You cater to my every need
You constantly give and never take away
Instead of draining me of energy,
You lift me up and make me feel better
You take me away
Far away to another place
Where everything is fine,
I’m loved and happy
A place where no one else can go
A place where anything is possible
I can be myself
There are no false pretenses
I know exactly what is going on
You won’t deceive me
There is no confusion
Unlike people, I can trust you
I can live forever in the realm of music

Since I wrote this I've realized that I cannot live in the realm of music, no matter how hard I try. Real life is complex and attempting to hide from it in my music doesn't allow for much growth.

Face Reality

press your lips against mine
all I want is a touch, a caress
can I have a piece of you?
in exchange for a bit of me?
just for now, all I want is a taste
for I know I can't really have you
but this shall suffice
this temporary love
tomorrow you'll be hers, and I'll be his
this feeling will be gone
all I take with me is the memory,
your lingering scent
wait, this never happened...
or did it?

Untitled

Listen to me
I need you to hear me
I need you to care

There Goes My Sex Object...um, I mean Baby

I’ve been hearing good things about Usher's new single “There Goes My Baby.” And from only hearing the chorus a few times, I thought the song was cute. It’s good to hear a man declare his pride in being with his girl. But then I actually listened to the entire song and realized it was about fucking! Oh but of course! He’s not proud to be with her because she is a beautiful, intelligent, humorous, independent, sexy woman. He’s proud to be able to fuck her! What the hell is going on with our music? It really frustrates me to hear songs like these. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying having sex with someone or making a song about it. I get that part. The part I don’t get is why are the only reasons listed physical? Is that all a man can love about a woman? “Ooh baby I love you so much because your breasts are so gorgeous and you know how to ride my dick just the way I like it.” Um, is this what we’ve come to? SMFH

Also, on another note…who is this woman he is so proud to be with? He says, “Like waterfalls, your hair falls down to your waist.” Not to say that Black women can’t have long hair (cuz they surely can) but how many Black women do you know with hair falling down to their waists? Well…ok a lot of women have weaves nowadays. So if that is the case, he loves her because she has a nice weave? Come on now…we can do better than that.

Listen for yourself and tell me if I'm overreacting or not lol

Just like the birds that whistle in the trees...

It's Whatever - Aaliyah



Doesn't this song just feel good?

While I listen to it I close my eyes and can escape to another place. Somewhere far away where I'm wanted, desired, maybe even needed, just a little bit...

Sometimes I wish I could feel this way...

Lost and Found

Ever hear a song and you feel like it was written just for you? I love that feeling. When I first heard this song last semester I couldn't function. I had to stop. All I was capable of doing was listening. I quickly learned the words in anticipation of singing it at Niabinji (A Night of Creative Expression). But of course, me being a punk, it didn't happen. I had hoped by the end of the spring semester the way I felt would not be the same. Oh well, guess not :-/



Lost And Found - Ledisi



Here are the lyrics:

Always alone, someone come for me
Here on my own, feels like the pain lasts an eternity
Tears come no more, I wanna smile again, love again

Please someone find me

Souls pass me by, why can’t they see me here?
Touch me one time, just like magic I will reappear
Sadness like the rain, its showers over me, I wanna feel again

Please someone find me

Lost not yet found
Breathing in misery
Hope lurks around
When will the sun ever shine on me?
I need love to come and carry me, take me away

Please someone find me

I’ll sing my song
Maybe I’ll scream and shout
Please someone come, I don’t wanna live without love
Hear my plea, I have love to give, I wanna live

Please someone find me

Need You Now

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now



I'm not a huge country music fan but there is something about this song that moves me. I heard it a couple of weeks ago in a store while I was shopping in Brooklyn and it actually made me pause. I had to stop what I was doing and listen. There are not too many songs that do that to me the very first time I hear them. Maybe its the lyrics, the music, the emotion behind how they sing or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, I definitely feel it.

Ephemeral

Here's one of my poems that's gonna be in the next issue of the Fahari-Libertad Magazine
Felt the need to share :-D

Ephemeral

Am I a fool for allowing you to occupy my space?
Am I blind to the fact that you can never give me
What I want? What I need?
I allowed you to use me…and I knew what it was when it went down
So what do I gain from this?
Temporary, fleeting…only for a few hours type of pleasure
Nothing real
It doesn’t last
Only a few moments in time
So why do I do it?
I can only go so long without a hug, a kiss, an embrace
Reassurance that I’m alive and capable of feeling
Without this reminder, where am I?
Alone again
Without someone to hold me
So either way I lose
I’m alone with you…alone without you

Release Me...

These tears
Where did they come from?
I was fine just a moment ago
Startled
Maybe I didn't realize
I can feel too
Its ok to feel

Wetness
When did you appear?
I hadn't noticed
I was alive
Capable of feeling
Where are my feelings?
Hidden
Buried
Somewhere obscure
Where no one can find them
Not even me

Why am I crying?
I guess that means I'm here...

Temporary...

It feels so good to let you in
But it wont last long
Its only pieces of me that you want, not all of me
What shall we do about that?
I guess I'll enjoy it for now
Take what I can get while it lasts...

Fragile

Sometimes I'm scared of writing. Its hard to admit to my feelings. If they're put on paper then they become real...


I put up walls cuz I don't want you to see how fragile I am without them...
You won't ever get in, unless I allow it.
But I'm too scared.
What if it feels good?
What if I like it?
Then what?
Where is my control then?
I can't lose it...

I need to know if you can give me what I want
If I can trust you with my heart
I'm not the superwoman I pretend to be...I'm fragile
If I give you my heart you have to take care of it
I can't handle another let down...
Please don't waste my time



Fragile By Raheem DeVaughn ft. Malik Yusef

I LIED

Ok, so I can't keep from blogging...especially right now when I feel like I have 89370482364 things going WRONG in my life.

I've been having health issues stressing me out, issues at home stressing me out, and schoolwork that I just don't feel like doing. What the hell??? I don't quite know whats going on with me but I'm not liking it at all. I've been feeling like I need an escape. I don't wanna be home, but I don't wanna be here at school...I'm just all confused. A part of me wants to run down the street screaming, while another part of me just wants to curl up into a little ball and say fuck everything. The reality is that I can't do either....both would be a waste of time and energy and neither would get me anywhere.

But on another note, here's this Solange song that I have had stuck in my head for weeks. I fucking love this woman lmao.

Under Construction - Solange




Right now I'm feeling under construction. I don't quite know where I'm going or how I'm getting there but my destination better be worth this journey. Wait, there's no hoping...it will be worth this journey.

Blog Hiatus

I'm taking a break from writing blogs. I've come to the point where it has become pointless. Yeah I like writing about how I feel but it seems as though the purpose has been lost. When I'm feeling better about life and have more to write about other than negativity maybe I'll return. There's nothing interesting about me continuously writing the same story over but just in different words. I have nothing to say anymore. So I'd rather just stop altogether....for now anyway.

Blabbermouth

I need to stop trusting people with my business. When I'm around my close friends I let loose and say whatever the hell comes to mind, which is usually reckless lol. But I take comfort in being able to be myself and say how I feel, what I think, and talk about my experiences. But now I'm learning this is not such a good idea. I guess since I'm so open and free about my shit, now people think they can be with my info as well. This is not the case. Some people fail to realize that what you tell them is between you and them, no one else. I can explicitly say, "don't tell anyone" and yet miraculously there is a misunderstanding and my business is put out there? WTF? Granted, no one really gives a shit about what goes on in my life cuz I pretty much keep to myself. But that is not the point, privileged information should not be shared, ever.

Maybe I should just be more careful who I trust. Even the people closest to me.

Oh How I Wish It Would Rain

They tell me it never rains in Southern California but what the fuck does that have to do with me? No rain, no wetness...DROUGHT. That's what I feel like I'm in right now. Traveling in the desert, having nothing to quench my thirst. Never having rain can seem nice if you think about continual sun...but how can life exist without water, our life force? It cannot. I wish it would rain. SOON.

Without

It's hard for me to admit to myself that I'm lonely. There's nothing wrong with having that feeling but once I admit it, that means its real. I don't want this feeling to be real. I wanna continue to avoid it. But where does that lead me? At the end of the day I'm still alone. I make it seem like I'm some wonder woman numb to feelings and pain. The reality is I never allow myself to own up to my feelings. But that doesn't mean I don't have those feelings, I just neglect to recognize and accept them. Just writing this in and of itself is very difficult for me. Being vulnerable is something I don't like because it can lead to people taking advantage.

I miss him, wait no I don't. I miss the idea of having a him. Just having a guy around that's interested in spending time with me or getting to know me. I'm lacking that right now. Seriously...

But at least I haven't given into the opportunities that have presented themselves to me. I don't allow this void of mine to be filled by undeserving men. Men that belong to other women, men that can't keep their dicks in their pants, and men that I know for damn sure have nothing to offer me all have wanted my attention. But I'll just wait for the right opportunity. No point in wasting my time and energy on guys that can't give it back to me. Only issue with that is, I'm still alone so what the fuck am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Ugh I'm tired of always coming back to this. I'm done.

I ♥ Music

Dwell Within Me

I close my eyes and I feel you
Nothing could inhabit me like you do
You fill me completely

You engulf me
Take all I have to give
I feel you completely

I allow you to take control
Give me what I’ve been missing
I lose space and time

An experience unparallel to anything else
Now all I can do is smile
Music, you soothe my soul

Donde Esta El Doctor???

I finally got an itch scratched but all that did was spread the rash. If only I could get some ointment that would continually soothe me. It's unfortunate that they don't sell the kind of ointment I like up here at school. Hopefully when I go back home to the city I can visit the many stores that have better selections. One day I will find the right one and there will be no need for a quick fix.

All a quick fix does is make matters worse. Maybe I don't even need ointment...perhaps all I need is a doctor that knows exactly what he's doing. If he's always available to assist me in whatever problem I have, there would be no need for ointment.

Necesito ayuda...donde esta el doctor?

In My Dreams

Randomly one day while "watching" TV (I mainly use my TV to listen to Music Choice) I heard Satisfied by Britni Elise and fell in love with it. Like completely in love with the song lol. Hearing this song led me to listen to other music by Britni Elise and honestly, I seriously love her shit lmao. Recently I fell in love with "In My Dreams." There's something about this song that just sticks with me. I can't get it out of my head and I'm constantly singing it. I'm so in love with this song ♥





Other than it just sounding good as hell, the lyrics speak to me. Sadly, at times I get lonely and I have no one to reassure me. So my mind wanders onto an imaginary man. At times that's the only comfort I have. How fucking sad right?

Fuck Off!!!

Sometimes I wonder if I have a huge "fuck you, don't talk to me" sign on my forehead. I know that I may not appear to be the friendliest person but at times I wonder if I'm as unapproachable as people claim. But this makes me wonder, am I really all that scary looking? Am I really that bad of a turn off that people don't even want to say hi? Maybe I'm bugging right now...its possible that this isn't the case. But I've heard time and time again that I look intimidating and mean. But how the hell can I start looking friendly anyway? Running around smiling just isn't my cup of tea...

Valentine's Day...Oh What A Waste

With Valentine's day coming up I can't help but notice all the commercials, ads, and sales for Valentine-like things. My usual reaction to seeing these things is ewwwww. I can't recall ever caring about Valentine's day, even when I had a boyfriend. I'm the type of person that doesn't like to celebrate anniversaries and mushy shit like that. I'm just not that into it. And no it's not because I'm single, I never really liked that kind of stuff. It doesn't make sense to me...why should we have to buy each other things and declare 1 day special over all the others? Seems like a waste of time for me. Let's celebrate each other whenever the hell we feel like it...how about that?

A lot of people claim that whoever doesn't like Valentine's Day must be bitter, alone, and unhappy. I have to disagree. Not liking Valentine's day does not mean I'm bitter and unhappy. I just happen to not like the "holiday." Whoever chooses to celebrate it, that's their prerogative and I have nothing against it. I just so happen to not give a damn about celebrating my love for someone on one day of the year when there are 364 other perfect opportunities to do so.

This song is does not relate completely...I just love the song lmaoo

Solange's Valentine's Day

They Don't Know, & They Shouldn't

They Don't Know - Jon B


This song is about not letting your friends get in your ear and talk negatively about your man, especially if you know yourself that your relationship is good. But while listening to it, I thought about the other side. About you telling your friends about your relationship. Whether you're complaining or giving him praises, it's none of your friends business. You never know who you can trust and I found that out the hard way a couple of years ago. I told my best friend all the good things about my ex. I told her the bad things too, but there weren't many of those. Long story short, my relationship ended with him and then my friendship ended with her. Their relationship began shortly after. I foolishly thought she could never do something like that, of course she would never want my man.... When the reality was she liked him all along. Isn't that some crazy shit? I'm over the situation now, but at the time that shit hurt like hell. I have a bad habit of telling my business and I do that because it's my business to tell. But now I'm starting to think "Hmmm is that really their business?"

Conversation

A: Why are you still single?
B: There's nothing wrong with me being single.
A: Two years is a long time, don't you think something is wrong with that picture?
B: No but, perhaps there is something wrong with you constantly being in and out of relationships, and constantly seeking validation from the opposite sex.
A: I don't need a man to validate me.
B: Oh really? Just because he says so it does not mean you're beautiful, smart, or funny. You are those things because you know that from within.
A: So you don't want a man to tell you those things?
B: That's not what I said. Having someone to tell me those things would be nice. But since I know that about myself already, I won't have to give up something because I think I'm getting something from hearing it. See what I mean?


I wrote this sometime last week but never posted it because I didn't know where I was going with it. Last night in my Blacks in Film class, we watched Tyler Perry's play I Can Do Bad All By Myself and Madea made a point very similar to mine. Her 14 year old great granddaughter, Keisha was staying with her and had been complaining about being teased at school. But there was this one boy that told her she was pretty and payed her the attention she was lacking at home. They had sex once, she got pregnant. Madea's point was that if Keisha had been validated at home, she wouldn't feel the need to give the boy something for calling her pretty. Keisha would have already known that she was pretty and that she's worth more than that.

Touch Me, Tease Me, Feel Me and Caress Me

Yesterday I randomly came across an article on Yahoo Health called "Going Up! 7 Pointers to Lift a Bad Mood." Being that I recognize that I sometimes have bad mood swings and I have my bitch moments, out of curiosity I read the article. Nothing really stood out to me about the article, until I got to number 3 which stated, "Human touch increases the production of endorphins, growth hormone, and DHEA, all of which lengthen your life span and lower the negative impact of stress. Studies have found that patients who are regularly touched recover faster than those who are not touched. So give someone a hug and feel both of your moods improve." While reading this, a little light bulb went off in my head. I realized I don't get much affection. I'm lacking in just regular touching, hugging and shit like that. While at home the only affection I get is from my mother, which I love. She's the only one I can be all touchy feely with there. At school I molest my best friend on a regular basis...wait does that sound weird? Well if you know me, you know I have a thing for squeezing butts, among other things... Anyway, back to what I was saying. It's been a long time since I got affection on a regular basis. Maybe that's what I'm missing. Well at least part of what I'm missing anyway.....

Forced Miserableness?

Someone I know just recently "celebrated" the birthday of a dead relative. Celebrated is in quotations because all this person did was drink and be miserable. Doesn't sound like much celebration to me. As a matter of fact, I'm lacking in understanding of how this "celebration" could possibly be healthy. Forcing yourself to be miserable in honor of a dead person doesn't make sense. That person is no longer here, and to me its pointless to act as if they were. Perhaps I'm being insensitive because everyone deals with things differently. My father died over 5 years ago and I've never been to his grave. Visiting graves is completely pointless to me. Some people do it because that is where the dead person's body is and that's their connection to them. For me, if I wanted to talk to my father, I would. I don't need to go to his grave because all that's there are his remains. Whats the point in talking to the decomposed version of a person, when their spirit is what's important? Also, the fact that the miserableness was brought on due to a birthday doesn't make much sense to me. I randomly miss my father throughout the year. His birthday comes around, it's just another day. If I make it into a big deal then I'm forcing myself to be sad and miss him. Why the hell would I do that?

Keep Tryin'

I feel like this song was written just for me. Don't you just love songs like that? When the lyrics connect directly to you? It's one of my favorite things about music ♥



Lyrics

Verse 1:
You've been
Missing
Out on all the chances you've been given
Is it something
Within
Holding you back instead of living
Your day is coming though it seems far
Things will be clear when you love who you are
Nothing can stop you as long as you listen to your heart

Chorus:
Lift your head to the sky
And keep trying
Believe in you
And it will take you higher

Verse 2:
You have
Sorrows
Everywhere you turn they seem to follow
If you
Let go
Happiness will come to you tomorrow
Your day is coming though it seems far
Things will be clear when you love who you are
Nothing can stop you as long as you listen to your heart

Chorus

Just Some Thoughts

So today I realized a few things...

1. My friend said that I'm not a bitch, I just don't take bullshit from anyone. That's quite a nice way to put it. I honestly can say I've been through some shit in my life so in a way, my no-nonsense attitude came about from me shielding myself.

2. I'm letting life pass me by. Not a good look. I can't do this anymore...time for change. SERIOUSLY.

3. I blog about myself A LOT. I don't think my topics are all that interesting. I mean who wants to read about me discovering myself? No one cares that damn much lmaoo. So maybe I'll switch to commenting on current events. Problem is, I don't really care that much lol. I like writing about me...its therapeutic. So I don't really care if anyone reads it...nevermind on that one lol

Fuck Shotgun!

Life is truly what you make it. If that's the case, I have my work cut out for me. I'm tired of being in the passenger's seat....I need to take the wheel. Fuck shotgun, give me the keys!

Mean Angry Bitch...Who Me???

It's 4 AM and I can't sleep. Other than the fact that my sleeping patterns have been messed up because of vacation, I just can't sleep. My mind is racing....I can't stop thinking. So I decided to write, hopefully it'll help.

I feel like I'm in constant search of self, which can be both good and bad simultaneously. It's good because learning about yourself leads to growth; its bad because I don't like some of the things I'm discovering. But the negative can turn into a positive because if I see what I don't like, I can change it.

Recently I've been told numerous times that I'm either mean, angry, a bitch or a combination of all three. I can't really get mad at these statements, I understand why they were said. What upsets me is that if that's all that people see, then they're not getting the real me. Of course I have bitch moments but I don't think that makes me a bitch :-/. Maybe I just come off too hard. My usual response to that is, "if you can't handle being around me then maybe you shouldn't bother." But I'm starting to think I'll just end up alone because who wants to tolerate a mean, angry bitch? I know I wouldn't want to, so why should I expect others to? Hopefully my other qualities outweigh my occasional bitch moments. Maybe what I need to be doing is figuring out why it is I act this way....

I Need A You

I can sooo relate to this song. Letoya got it so right on this one...




I have been single for over 2 years now. To be honest, it's kinda fucking with me.

I don't need a you, I'd just like to have a boo or a homie or something. Someone that's interested in getting to know me. Someone intriguing that I can hold a conversation with, and chill with. That's all. Not asking for much....