I Guess I Lied...Oops

Just a few hours ago I said I wouldn't write anymore, then I realized that would be impossible. So maybe I should just change what it is I'm writing about. I need some more uplifting things to say opposed to my depressing posts about being lonely and invisible. But at the same time if that's my reality, what the hell else could I write about? So maybe I should consider something else - what can I do to change my predicament. Goal #1 - bring a better attitude towards schoolwork. I've never really been a motivated student and now my accidental A's aren't coming in anymore. I need to put a lot of effort into my work now but I'm not. I'm slacking, on some serious shit. So now what I need to do is get focused for the end of this semester and for Spring 10.

Why Bother?

Maybe I shouldn't blog anymore. I've recently realized that all I talk about are depressing things. My lack of love, recent lowering of confidence, lack of penis, lack of focus and soon to be lack of good grades. Well I didn't write about the last two things but I might as well throw them in now. I no longer write about my opinion on the things that are going on whether it be just my life or the world. Or did I ever? Writing is therapeutic, but putting all my business out here might not be the best way for me to feel better. So maybe I'll stop writing...maybe just for a little while or maybe for good. Who knows? No one reads this shit any way.

Waiting....

Getting personal once again...oh fucking well. No one reads this shit any damn way...


It's constantly on my mind...constantly in my dreams...when will it become a reality?

Impatiently waiting. All I wish is for it to just leave my thoughts.

But I'm surrounded by it.

Jill Scott says it better....





Yeah that's the only thing on my mind lately. Maybe I should just do something about it....starting now. Right fucking now.

Music

So lately I've been listening to a lot music and thinking to myself...hmmm why can't I do that? Why can't I write a song and not be scared to sing? And the answer is I can, I just choose not to out of fear. I'm getting really tired of my life being controlled by my fears. So far its gotten me nowhere, absolutely no where at all. Punking out of things that I wanna do only makes me more frustrated because after the fact I think to myself, "Hmm it couldn't have been that bad." But by then its too late and pointless to dwell on the past. So maybe I can try to actually do something a little out the box for once in my life. So now the question is when, when will I muster up the courage to say "fuck it" and do what I really want to do? But I'm too scared to say "now" so where does that lead me? Back to the beginning.

Cross My Mind

I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing, I mean what you've been up to.
I know its wrong feeling so strong, let me take a second minute hour think this thing through....

I hate feeling this way.

Uhhhhh

Maybe I'm just having a moment. Felt the need to post this picture...maybe it'll help me describe how I'm feeling right now. It's kinda hard for me to put it into words actually so I'm gonna try....

I feel uhhhh frustrated!!!! Misunderstood, misconceived, misconstrued, misinterpreted....

But when I look at this pic something warm and fuzzy inside of me happens lmaoo ok well maybe not. I just love seeing myself with a smile because it seems like my smiles have been few and far between lately.

Unknown

No one knows me....
And although I complain about this, I think I like it this way. Twisted right? I wanna be acknowledged while simultaneously I'm terrified of having the spotlight. WTF?

I stay in my own little box, only saying hi and bye to people, never really getting close. And when I do get close, it never seems to last. But I want people to see me for who I really am, not the hi/bye me. But if I never stop how could they? I don't allow it yet I long for it...always have. I've never really had many friends and while I can just blame people for not seeing the real me the real blame should be put on me. Using my shyness as an excuse can't work anymore. I'm tired of being shy and quiet. TIRED of it, on some real shit.

Just Running Cross My Mind

Why is this guy on my mind? I just don't get it. "My First Love" by Avant ft. Keke Wyatt is playing right now and somehow its making me smile. The relationship I had with my first love ended on what you could call bad terms and so I try my hardest to deny the fact that I actually once loved him and enjoyed being with him. After we went our separate ways I tend to only talk about the negative things regarding him but lately that has become more and more difficult. I find myself wondering how he's doing, how his family is, if he's alright. Then there's a part of me that's like eww why am I thinking about this person - I'm sure hes not thinking about me. And yet I can't help but wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. Do I cross his mind? Maybe...probably not. He's probably moved on to the next chick without even wondering if I'm alive and breathing. But why should he care? He made it obvious he would never care for me the way I wanted him to so why should I be thinking about this? Maybe it's cuz I'm lonely and in need of male attention. He is the only guy I've been with so I guess it's natural for me to think about him because he is the only man in my past.

Desires...Pt.2

So I decided to skim through my old blog posts to see if anything interesting popped up that I could revisit. I came across this one. And not surprisingly, I still feel the same way. I wrote this back in March and although it wasn't too long ago, I still feel like I should be feeling better than this by now. Ughhh its so frustrating. I need some testosterone in my life on some real shit. It's really effecting me in a way I don't particularly like. I just need some attention. The kind of attention only a man can bring. There's just a certain energy men have and I'm lacking in it right now. Seriously.....