I'm F**kin' Perfect

The first time I watched this video I fell in love. I already love P!nk, for her voice, her lyrics and her fearlessness. I've been a fan since her Can't Take Me Home days, you know, back when she was still Black. Yes I just said that. Act like you know lol.

I don't know when I got so damn emotional but watching this video actually made tears well up in my eyes. I'm just so in love with the message. People get so hung up on their imperfections and flaws but fail to realize just how great they really are. And I honestly believe that there is beauty in everyone. Who knows what we can contribute to this world...our possibilities are endless. Also, just because you may feel misunderstood or unloved does not mean you are unlovable. While I've felt misunderstood plenty of times, it could never get to the point where I would want to hurt myself or do destructive things. But there are plenty of people that do. It breaks my heart to see people beat down & hopeless because they don't realize how great they are. To me, it all starts with loving yourself. Unfortunately, some people are not nurtured or told they are smart, beautiful or capable :(

Luckily, I was reassured throughout my life. I know I'm smart, attractive and capable. Of course I have insecurities and flaws I'd like to fix. However, I know they cannot ever possibly outweigh my greatness :)

And the same should go for you.

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel like you're less than, fuckin perfect.

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you're fuckin perfect to me.

Would I Date Me?

So I just read Mocha Napps blog where she answered the question that Clutch posed - Would You Date You? And honestly I don't quite know. I feel like I have plenty of great qualities - I'm caring, considerate, funny, intelligent, attractive, understanding etc. But does that necessarily mean I would like to date me? I know that I'm hard to understand because my thought process is quite different from others, I know that I can be a hassle and a bit difficult, but once you actually get to know me I don't think its that bad. Obviously I'm biased though lol.

You know what? Yeah I would date me. I have a lot going on for me. The only thing is that I can be a bit "boring." In both of the blogs I read they put an emphasis on the things you do and if they can be considered boring. I don't quite like looking at it from that viewpoint. When people ask me what do I like to do I never really have an answer. I'm not all that exciting when it comes to the activities I do. I don't do much, like ever lol. However, I do enjoy great conversations. I can have a great time just sitting on a couch with someone if they have stimulating conversation. And that's the honest truth. Now just because I'm not "doing something" does that lower the value of what I'm doing? My answer is no. Activities aren't the only interesting thing about a person. Great stimulating conversation can be just as fun as bowling, going to the movies or actually "doing" something. And you could actually connect more through "just chillin" than taking part in an activity. But idk that's just how I see it.

I understand that this assessment is only based on the first layer of getting to know a person. Mocha made a good point in saying that if during the conversation you ask the person what they like to do the answer is nothing, the conversation ends there because of boredom. While this makes sense, I still disagree. I understand that we're basically strangers at this point so we don't have much to talk about but there is always something to talk about. When people ask me what I like to do, my answer is usually "uhhh idk, not much, listen to music, that's basically all I do when I'm not in class or doing something on campus." Yes, I know that is a boring ass response but we end up talking about what music I like or the fact that I'm still working up the nerve to sing in public. Then we talk about the music he likes and why. You see how my boring ass comment turned into a conversation about something?

I also like to take note of how he responds to certain things, like what interests him about what I say and shit like that. There's more than one way of getting to know someone through conversation. But maybe that's just me. I usually like to dig deeper, even when its just a simple conversation. Perhaps that's one of the things that makes me difficult. Oh well lol

In Search Of Motivation

Lately I've been looking at pictures of me and I'm not liking what I see. I've gotten used to being this size. Its not much of an inconvenience, I think I look pretty good lol. While I love my shapely figure, I'm starting to feel like it could be shrunk down to a lower size...not too small though lol.

Here's a pic of me the day of my JHS graduation.

While I know that this was wayy back in 2004, I can't help but feel as though I can get back to this size. And the thing is that I don't want to lose weight to look a certain way. Its just that right now I don't feel good about how I treat myself on many different levels. I know that I'm unhealthy and I need not get any bigger than I am now.

Here's a pic of me and my sister the day that she graduated from HS back in 05.

Yes, that was me, looking skintyyyy as hell lol. I honestly don't remember being that small. Its funny looking back because back then I thought I was fat. Ha! How fucking hilarious. Anyway, I know that I need to find some motivation and dedicate much needed energy towards getting back in shape.

Here's picture I took a couple of weeks ago to look at as a reference point. Still sexy of course lol.

One of my biggest problems is that I usually know what my issues are, I'm just not proactive in fixing them. I know, that's a shame right? At least I'm acknowledging them, which is part of the way to where I need to be. Now all I need is continuous action towards my goal. I need to devise a plan, I'll be revisiting this soon.

Random Thought on Grandparents

Today is the day that my paternal grandmother would have turned 70. I sat and thought about her and it made me a bit sad to realize that I don't know much about her. Of course I have a few memories and some stories I've heard over the years, but that still isn't much. She died when I was 7 and up until that point I hadn't known her that well. Sometimes I wish I could just sit and have a conversation with her. Which made me come to this thought. All of my grandparents are dead. All four of them. Two of which I have never met because they died years before I was born. Sometimes I wish I could just sit and talk to all of them. I feel that people overlook how great it is having grandparents. I wish I could ask questions, listen to their stories and attempt to soak up some of their wisdom and knowledge. But that isn't possible for me. I know that this post seems a bit depressing but that actually isn't my point. I just hope that others appreciate their family and don't take them for granted. There are plenty of people that don't even have that luxury.


Here's a picture of my Grandma holding me. My sister and cousin were crying because they didn't want to get out of the picture. Guess they didn't want to share Grandma with me lmaoo

To Weave Or Not To Weave?

For the past couple of weeks I've been thinking about getting a weave, I even glanced at wigs briefly. But it seems that the more I consider it, the more it sounds weird to me. I really love my hair, I just want a little break, which makes sense. But the thought of a weave makes me feel like I'll be dishonest. No. It would just a be a style. And it could be kinda fun. The first time I had a weave I liked it because it was different. But both times I had a weave after a couple of weeks I was bored and missed my hair.
 

While I do realize that a weave would just be a style, I personally have always had issues with doing things to my appearance that aren't in agreement with who I am. I seldom ever wear makeup and when I do its mostly just eyeshadow and mascara. I remember going to the mall with a friend in high school and we got a free makeup session. All the lady did was put some eyeshadow on me and I barely wanted to walk out of the mall. I felt so weird, I didn't feel like people would be seeing me when they looked at me because of a little bit of green powder on my face. The first time I got a fake ponytail I didn't want to walk outside because it wasn't my hair. I know that this sounds like I'm too extreme and probably a bit crazy, but that is how I felt at the time. I know that I can do plenty of things with my hair. How I choose to wear it isn't my identity. It's just that wearing things that aren't a representation of who I am makes me feel naked and exposed to the world.

The first time I got a weave was when I had relaxed hair and I felt the same way then. It was around prom time, I wanted to wear my hair curly but I had cut my hair recently and it wasn't long enough to pull off the look. So I bought some curly hair and sewed it in lol. I felt so awkward walking around with extra hair on my head but after a while I fell in love with it. It was cute, different and simple. It was literally a shake and go style. But my issue is that now that I'm natural, I loooove wearing my own hair out much more than I ever did with relaxed hair. However, there's nothing wrong with me giving my hair a break and switching up my look for a bit.


Bottom line, my hair doesn't define who I am.

Sooooo to weave or not to weave?

I'm not approachable?

I wrote this in November but never posted it.

So I'm not approachable. I get it. I know this, I'm not exactly sure how to change that. I feel like I am who I am - take me as is. Maybe that's what is stifling my growth. But I like me. I like who I'm becoming, I'm not like how I used to be. But at the same time I can't help but question why is it that no one wants me? Ok maybe I can rephrase that. Why do I fee like no one wants me? So one of my friends said that I don't look easy - easy to talk to, easy to get in bed - whatever, it really doesn't matter which.  I guess I look like a hassle - its too much of an obstacle to get to me. That's not true. No I'm not easy to get to bed, I'm definitely not. But I'm easy to talk to, or maybe I think I am. I can be harsh of course but that depends on my mood...ugh idk how to be approachable! That's not me. Plus I'm antisocial and I don't like people. But I do. I like talking to people, hanging out and all that, I really do....kinda...maybe a lil bit. Shit I don't even know anymore.

Even if I'm not easy/I don't look easy why aren't there any guys up for a challenge? Maybe no one is interested in who I am if they don't think they can get something out of me so they don't even try. How sad is that? Maybe its a good thing. Maybe I need someone up to a challenge. Yeah I can definitely be a challenge...a huge one lol. Maybe that's what I have to work on. But why should I have to? I like me...complications and all.

Ehh, whatever. Guess I'll continue feeling this way...

Weary - Amel Larrieux

From her 2006 album Morning


This video came on the other day and I hadn't heard it in so long that it made me smile a bit. When this song came out me and my sister were completely in love with it (plus we had a bit of fun trying to hit those whistle notes Amel does at the end lol). I love this video for 3 reasons.
1 - Amel is a completely underrated artist with a beautiful voice and great words to match.
2 - I love seeing women with natural hair in the media (and if you pay attention you can see her two daughters come in the store as customers...too cute :)
3 - I completely identify with the lyrics. This song is basically saying she is tired of pretending to be strong and complacent with her situation. Yes independence is cool but sometimes you get to a point where you wouldn't mind sharing your life with someone else. It feels good to have someone to go home to. It feels good having someone that is encouraging and makes you feel better about life. She's basically saying being alone is fine, but right now I would love to have someone that I can open up to and share with. If I could just trust someone with my heart, how great could it be? I'm not scared anymore, I had my time alone and now I'm ready. -- I couldn't agree more with these words.

Neglect

I think of things to write about on a daily basis but most times I choose not to share my thoughts. I think there's still a part of me scared to discuss how I feel because sometimes its hard for me to own up to my feelings. But some time ago I said that I wouldn't hold back. For one, I doubt I have many readers and two, uhhh this is my damn blog so why should I be afraid to express myself? Clearly you have the option to not visit or read if you don't like what you see. But another reason why I choose not to write often is because I feel stuck. I've been stuck feeling the same way and I've made no efforts to change it. So what I would write wouldn't be anything new. It would be the same old shit and honestly, who the hell wants to read fifty eleven blog posts talking about the same exact thing? Um, not a damn soul.

Since I use this place as a way for me to sort through my feelings, neglecting it just might not be the best idea. But anyway, long story short, I'm gonna come back to writing because I need to and shit, just cuz I can.

Love songs make me sick. pt 2

I'm not saying that I need a man in my life to make me happy. That's not true at all. I just miss having a man around. I don't have any male friends, I don't hang with any of my male cousins and I haven't had an interest in God knows how long. I don't want my desire to be around a man to be confused with insecurities and a need for validation. That's not the case. I know who I am and I love me. I just wish I had that in common with someone else. I don't need a man around to make me feel better but shit I need some damn testosterone in my life.

What's also not helping this feeling is that since I've been home for break I have been missing my father like crazy. I guess since I'm home, I'm constantly reminded that he isn't here. Memories pop up on a daily basis and I love them but at the same time they make me a bit sad. I miss having a man around, I miss having that man around. You cant find a daddy's love anywhere else. I know I just went on a tangent but I honestly don't give a fuck.

Love songs make me sick.

I wrote this over a month ago and never posted it. I thought it was too personal. I usually don't like writing sappy shit. Right now I don't give a fuck.

Love songs make me sick.
Maybe I am bitter. Maybe I am unhappy. Maybe I want someone in my life. Maybe I ignore this ache and pretend its not there. But its there. But I'm lonely. But I have no one. But I still feel this way...

I wish it was easy for me to find people like I see everyone else do. But I don't wanna waste time so I don't mind waiting. But this wait is lasting longer than expected. 3 yrs and counting...

Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever know how it feels to be close to someone again. Will I ever feel his skin, hear his voice, feel his touch, hear his laugh, see his smile, hear him breathe next to me as he sleeps?

I just want a little bit. I promise I won't be difficult. All I wanna do is try to make someone else happy. I want to walk into a room and be the reason why he's smiling. I want to be the thing he looks forward to all day. His stress reliever. How he ends his day and relaxes. His comforter. I wanna take away his negativity and replace it with my love. But maybe that's too much. Its too much to want to find a man deserving of all of me.

Maybe it is too much to ask, because I want all of that in return. I want to smile at just the thought of him. I wanna look forward to seeing him, because he is what brightens up my day. I want it all. Am I not worthy? Am I not deserving? Of course I am. So where is he? I'm waiting.

I'm drowning, come save me.