I LIED

Ok, so I can't keep from blogging...especially right now when I feel like I have 89370482364 things going WRONG in my life.

I've been having health issues stressing me out, issues at home stressing me out, and schoolwork that I just don't feel like doing. What the hell??? I don't quite know whats going on with me but I'm not liking it at all. I've been feeling like I need an escape. I don't wanna be home, but I don't wanna be here at school...I'm just all confused. A part of me wants to run down the street screaming, while another part of me just wants to curl up into a little ball and say fuck everything. The reality is that I can't do either....both would be a waste of time and energy and neither would get me anywhere.

But on another note, here's this Solange song that I have had stuck in my head for weeks. I fucking love this woman lmao.

Under Construction - Solange




Right now I'm feeling under construction. I don't quite know where I'm going or how I'm getting there but my destination better be worth this journey. Wait, there's no hoping...it will be worth this journey.

Blog Hiatus

I'm taking a break from writing blogs. I've come to the point where it has become pointless. Yeah I like writing about how I feel but it seems as though the purpose has been lost. When I'm feeling better about life and have more to write about other than negativity maybe I'll return. There's nothing interesting about me continuously writing the same story over but just in different words. I have nothing to say anymore. So I'd rather just stop altogether....for now anyway.

Blabbermouth

I need to stop trusting people with my business. When I'm around my close friends I let loose and say whatever the hell comes to mind, which is usually reckless lol. But I take comfort in being able to be myself and say how I feel, what I think, and talk about my experiences. But now I'm learning this is not such a good idea. I guess since I'm so open and free about my shit, now people think they can be with my info as well. This is not the case. Some people fail to realize that what you tell them is between you and them, no one else. I can explicitly say, "don't tell anyone" and yet miraculously there is a misunderstanding and my business is put out there? WTF? Granted, no one really gives a shit about what goes on in my life cuz I pretty much keep to myself. But that is not the point, privileged information should not be shared, ever.

Maybe I should just be more careful who I trust. Even the people closest to me.

Oh How I Wish It Would Rain

They tell me it never rains in Southern California but what the fuck does that have to do with me? No rain, no wetness...DROUGHT. That's what I feel like I'm in right now. Traveling in the desert, having nothing to quench my thirst. Never having rain can seem nice if you think about continual sun...but how can life exist without water, our life force? It cannot. I wish it would rain. SOON.

Without

It's hard for me to admit to myself that I'm lonely. There's nothing wrong with having that feeling but once I admit it, that means its real. I don't want this feeling to be real. I wanna continue to avoid it. But where does that lead me? At the end of the day I'm still alone. I make it seem like I'm some wonder woman numb to feelings and pain. The reality is I never allow myself to own up to my feelings. But that doesn't mean I don't have those feelings, I just neglect to recognize and accept them. Just writing this in and of itself is very difficult for me. Being vulnerable is something I don't like because it can lead to people taking advantage.

I miss him, wait no I don't. I miss the idea of having a him. Just having a guy around that's interested in spending time with me or getting to know me. I'm lacking that right now. Seriously...

But at least I haven't given into the opportunities that have presented themselves to me. I don't allow this void of mine to be filled by undeserving men. Men that belong to other women, men that can't keep their dicks in their pants, and men that I know for damn sure have nothing to offer me all have wanted my attention. But I'll just wait for the right opportunity. No point in wasting my time and energy on guys that can't give it back to me. Only issue with that is, I'm still alone so what the fuck am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Ugh I'm tired of always coming back to this. I'm done.

I ♥ Music

Dwell Within Me

I close my eyes and I feel you
Nothing could inhabit me like you do
You fill me completely

You engulf me
Take all I have to give
I feel you completely

I allow you to take control
Give me what I’ve been missing
I lose space and time

An experience unparallel to anything else
Now all I can do is smile
Music, you soothe my soul

Donde Esta El Doctor???

I finally got an itch scratched but all that did was spread the rash. If only I could get some ointment that would continually soothe me. It's unfortunate that they don't sell the kind of ointment I like up here at school. Hopefully when I go back home to the city I can visit the many stores that have better selections. One day I will find the right one and there will be no need for a quick fix.

All a quick fix does is make matters worse. Maybe I don't even need ointment...perhaps all I need is a doctor that knows exactly what he's doing. If he's always available to assist me in whatever problem I have, there would be no need for ointment.

Necesito ayuda...donde esta el doctor?

In My Dreams

Randomly one day while "watching" TV (I mainly use my TV to listen to Music Choice) I heard Satisfied by Britni Elise and fell in love with it. Like completely in love with the song lol. Hearing this song led me to listen to other music by Britni Elise and honestly, I seriously love her shit lmao. Recently I fell in love with "In My Dreams." There's something about this song that just sticks with me. I can't get it out of my head and I'm constantly singing it. I'm so in love with this song ♥





Other than it just sounding good as hell, the lyrics speak to me. Sadly, at times I get lonely and I have no one to reassure me. So my mind wanders onto an imaginary man. At times that's the only comfort I have. How fucking sad right?

Fuck Off!!!

Sometimes I wonder if I have a huge "fuck you, don't talk to me" sign on my forehead. I know that I may not appear to be the friendliest person but at times I wonder if I'm as unapproachable as people claim. But this makes me wonder, am I really all that scary looking? Am I really that bad of a turn off that people don't even want to say hi? Maybe I'm bugging right now...its possible that this isn't the case. But I've heard time and time again that I look intimidating and mean. But how the hell can I start looking friendly anyway? Running around smiling just isn't my cup of tea...

Valentine's Day...Oh What A Waste

With Valentine's day coming up I can't help but notice all the commercials, ads, and sales for Valentine-like things. My usual reaction to seeing these things is ewwwww. I can't recall ever caring about Valentine's day, even when I had a boyfriend. I'm the type of person that doesn't like to celebrate anniversaries and mushy shit like that. I'm just not that into it. And no it's not because I'm single, I never really liked that kind of stuff. It doesn't make sense to me...why should we have to buy each other things and declare 1 day special over all the others? Seems like a waste of time for me. Let's celebrate each other whenever the hell we feel like it...how about that?

A lot of people claim that whoever doesn't like Valentine's Day must be bitter, alone, and unhappy. I have to disagree. Not liking Valentine's day does not mean I'm bitter and unhappy. I just happen to not like the "holiday." Whoever chooses to celebrate it, that's their prerogative and I have nothing against it. I just so happen to not give a damn about celebrating my love for someone on one day of the year when there are 364 other perfect opportunities to do so.

This song is does not relate completely...I just love the song lmaoo

Solange's Valentine's Day