Youngin'

I'm 19, which is pretty damn young. There's no need for me to keep stressing about being single. But then again its not me being single, its me being alone. I know I'm not alone because I have friends and family that I know love me. So I think the problem is the physical aspect of it. NOT SEXUAL, physical. Having somebody physically there to see, touch, talk, and all that shit. Idk, I don't think I'm lonely, I just think I need someone to share with. Idk, I'm still a baby so I aint stressing it. I just can't help but miss having someone around. Plus I know I may come off hard or weird to some people but I'm really harmless. I wish people would see that...but then again maybe its me thats putting out that image. I can't help the fact that I walk around looking like the world is about to end. I just don't know how to change that. Wait, lemme stop there. There's the problem. But how the hell am I supposed to randomly start looking approachable? If I walk around smiling people are gonna think I'm crazy or something. I just dont know....

But I am sick of talking about my lack of love life...maybe it's just on my mind. But why? A relationship cannot and will not validate me. I know this already...it'd just be nice to be seen in that way. To have someone to want to be around me. Saying this makes me a lil sad actually. Cuz I have people that want to be around me - my family and friends. And I seriously appreciate that. But I want something that they can't give me. I want to be appreciated in a different way. Damn, this sounds like a a quest for validation. I don't like it, thats not me. I don't like being vulnerable, soooo not a good look lol.
Unfortunately....I'll be back on this topic later lol

First Day

So here's a video that I took part in a few months ago. A good friend of mine, Vixon is really into filming and all that good stuff and he asked me to be in one of his films. Very early on in my first semester of college having someone to ask me to be in a film was scary as hell! I'm pretty damn shy and acting is wayyyy out of my comfort zone. Luckily, its a silent film lol. But anyway...

Seeing myself on film is scary to me and I realized that how I see myself and how I actually look are two totally different things lol. Stepping out of my comfort zone was a good thing though, I feel like I need to do that more often. It's so easy getting stuck in the same ole thing doing the same shit over and over. It gets boring and you never learn or grow as a person. But I'm glad that I did this, as scary and hard as it was...it really helped me grow as a person. Plus...it confirmed that I look pretty damn good! LMFAO I'm not conceited - being conceited is a form of low self esteem. But being gorgeous and knowing it is harmless, I don't run around telling people, I just know it. Like I said before, everyone is beautiful and I truly mean that.

But anyway, the premise of the film is that it is a girl's first day of college. She can't sleep the night before because she's so anxious. When she does wake up, she takes too long getting ready and is late for class. So she runs across campus to get to class and when she gets there she is relieved and reassured. Check it out - First Day - Directed By Video Vix[o]n

First Day from Video Vix[o]n on Vimeo.

I'm Gorgeous Dammit!

Soooo I'm looking at my pictures on facebook and they range as far back as 2004 and I realize something. I'm gorgeous! Actually, it wasn't a realization it was more of a recognition. Now I don't wanna sound conceited or nothing but isn't this a good thing? A lot of people have low self esteem and can't seem to appreciate their own beauty. I feel like everyone is beautiful in their own way. It may be a lil corny, but its true. I'm sick of people talking about how unhappy they are because of their appearance.

Maybe I feel this way cuz I wasn't really teased, even though I was a fat little girl lol. The most I was teased about was my nose (yes its big but so fucking what!) and my breasts (which are big too lol). These things were not an issue for me. My nose is big but it is the same nose that my father and grandmother had. They're no longer here with me and this big ass nose on my face is a constant reminder and connection from me to them. I'm proud to have this big ass nose! Oh yeah and my boobies...well that's self explanatory lmao. I had big breasts since like 12 and boys used to tease me and say "Got Milk," but I took it as a compliment lmao. Anyway...back to what I was saying about my gorgeousness.

There isn't anything wrong with recognizing your own beauty. I recommend looking in the mirror butt ass naked, flaws and all and saying "I Love You." I don't care how big, small, tall short - whatever! There is always something to love. Always. I see the most small and insignificant thing and find beauty in it.

Single Life

It seems like everyone but me can find a man. Wait, let me stop and rephrase that. I'm not after a man, it just puzzles me how like every damn girl that I know randomly finds men/boys to talk to and this is never the case for me. But then again, a lot of people find themselves in very insignificant relationships with people that are not their match at all. So maybe, I'm single because when I do find someone, no time will be wasted on bullshit and I wont have to go through unnecessary shit. Hmm...nice thought. But me bringing this up just makes me think, why is this so important? Well lets see....
(On a side note) I'm not placing an importance on being in a relationship, other things are more important but it'd be nice. Anyway...
Like I was saying....
I've been single since Jan 08, well technically June 07. Yeah, long ass time right? So I guess I have a right to wonder why I'm still single. I mean I know I don't look approachable (I've been told that I look mean and difficult to approach), I don't "put myself out there"(eww so not me....AT ALL) and blah blah blah. But there are people that are actually hard to approach and yet they have someone. WTF? Past my exterior, I'm actually not that bad. But then again I'm biased...

To deal with this issue of mine, I just make it inconsequential. So I make it seem smaller than it is to deal with the idea that maybe there's something wrong with the fact that I'm still single.

Wait, wait, I have an idea....hmm. I'm difficult at times, I don't go out much, I don't look approachable... ok maybe I see the problem now. But on the other hand, a close friend of mine said that it should be easy for men to be interested in me because of my physical appearance ("Ass and Tits" in his words). But I'm more than my physical. I don't want to only be recognized because of my over-sized anatomy. I'd actually prefer that someone is interested in me because of my mind, my sense of humor...my non-physical things! But please, physical is always first...sad but true.

Maybe I just shouldn't give a fuck. Hmm...sounds like a good plan for now lmao

Pile of Geese Shit

Ok, so now it's official. I feel like shit. And it seems for no apparent reason. Yeah I didn't get enough sleep last night, but do I ever? No. Yeah I have a lot of work to do and I'm currently working on a last minute project, but don't I always? Yes. So what the fuck is the problem? I don't seem to be understanding this blah feeling that has come over me. The semester is almost over, so I should be excited about that, I'm not though. I just declared my majors and I was excited about it. Not anymore. I was going on and on for days about chopping my hair off and how great I felt about that. But I don't feel great at the moment. What the hell is my problem?

UGHHHHH

I need to figure it out before I go crazy.

yeah yeah yeah, whatever

Today I feel like a zombie. Having a lot of work to do with little time shouldn't be a problem for me. It sounds like my life. But today, I just wanna sleep and do nothing else. I don't want to read, I don't want to write, shit I barely want to talk. And that's rare lol. I don't feel like its the whole "over-worked college student" thing either. That's not it. I know why I'm here and I know what I have to do, even if that means some sleepless nights and tired days. I know all this, so why is it that I feel like this? Idk what the fuck anything is half the time. I don't know how to feel anymore...if I ever did.

UGHHHHHHHHHH

I need a release.....like seriously before I explode.

Anticipating My Naps!

For as long as I can remember I've always envied people with curly hair. I would look at their hair and wish mine wasn't so boring. I'd wish this limp shit on my head would become interesting and lively with some curls. But now I realize that I wasn't envious of these other people. I wasn't longing for something I couldn't have, I was longing to go back to my roots (literally lol). It was not my choice to chemically alter my hair. My aunt decided that she no longer wanted to braid my hair so at the young age of 10, I got my first relaxer. I've been relaxing my hair because supposedly its easier to handle, you could do more with straight hair and its more acceptable by society. BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT.

For almost 9 years I've had straight hair and it was normal to me. But now I realize that what's normal is not chemically processing my hair. The way my hair is naturally is the way my hair should be. For the past year and a half I have been back and forth about growing out my hair. When I went 6 months without a relaxer I realized, hey I don't NEED a relaxer. My hair is just fine. But out of convenience I got a touch up. Then another 6 months went by and I swore up and down that I was not gonna relax it...then I did. This happened for the last time in September. So it's been almost 7 months since I've gotten a perm! How exciting!

Words cannot express how excited I am to be transitioning! I'm excited about become re-acquainted with my natural texture and trying different styles. But at the same time I'm a lil scared. Scared its not gonna look right, scared I won't know what to do with it and other things. But my excitement overrides my fear. My anticipation is killing me!

Soon I'll be chopping this straight boring shit off and embracing my naps! Can't wait :D

EWW

I'm looking at my posts and I realize that in these few posts, I talk about my love life, or lack thereof lol. First off, let me say EWWWWW. I don't like talking about this too much, but for some strange reason, it keeps coming up. OK, maybe the reason isn't so strange. It could be that I been single for like.....ever lol and I'm starting to feel like maybe this isn't normal. But then again, I'm no where near normal, and I don't want to be either. Fitting into the norms aint my thing.

But anyway, since we're on the topic....
Why is having a significant other so important? I get love from so many people on a daily basis, which I appreciate. But there's just something about having someone on a different level. The whole process of getting to know someone and becoming a part of their life is exciting. And I can honestly say I haven't had too much of that. But then again, I'm only 19 so I'm not anxious like that. Plus, my number one priority right now is school.

Maybe I'll come back to this later. Maybe......

It was on my mind so.....

I'm 7, she's dead
I watched as she incomprehensibly spoke, eyes bulging
I asked the lord not to take her away
But she went, she's gone

I'm 14, he's dead
I watched as he frantically gasped for air, eyes bulging
I prayed for this not to be the last time I see him
But he went, he's gone

They left

Just a Little Rant

I'm offensive, maybe even rude. I always want an explanation because I like when things make sense to me. I am in constant opposition with the people closest to me. We disagree, I don't care, its just conversation - but they care, they get offended. I openly receive criticism. Yeah I get offended easily, but I'll talk it out. Maybe loudly, maybe softly. What can I say? That's just a part of who I am. Take me like this or leave me the fuck alone. PERIOD.
If you don't like being around me, here's a simple solution: don't come around me!!! DUH lol. I'm sorry but I'm not apologetic about me being me (contradiction right? lol), I don't have time to. Just like I don't have time to care. If you're close to me then you'd know that I'm not abrasive on purpose, I actually mean well. It just doesn't come off that way...like ever lol.

To Be Continued...