Hey Daddy

Growing up, every night before bed, my father would come to my doorway to give me a hug and a kiss. I remember waking up and seeing him there sometimes because he would randomly check on me and my sister in the middle of the night. He would stand in the doorway just to check to make sure we were alright. Ever since my father passed away, over 11 years ago, from time to time I catch myself staring at the doorway to my bedroom. I guess, hoping that maybe he would appear. I even wake in the middle of the night sometimes and stare at my door. But no Daddy.

This morning, as I was preparing to work out, I was facing my vision board. I started reading some things out loud, trying to motivate myself. After doing some squats (I just started a challenge, gotta get that booty right), I turned around to take a sip of water. I was drawn to my doorway once again. So today, I decided to indulge. Maybe Daddy was there. So I spoke to him.

Hey Daddy. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to get motivated. I know all of the things I need to do to get it together, but when its time to do it, I struggle. It's like I don't really know what I'm doing it for. I was talking to a friend a couple of months ago who told me that he thought I was going through life trying to make you proud. I told him that was absurd, you're not here, how could I make you proud? I'm not living for you. When I think of it though, I'm barely living for me. I know that I need to get my stuff together. But for me. What would it benefit you? I know you're still around, but not physically. So I don't want to make you proud. Maybe I should do it for me. Because the more I think about it, doing it for me is doing it for you. Because you get to live on through me. 42 is so young. I know you did a lot, but there was so much more you could've done. You didn't get a chance to live at your highest potential. But you can through me. Because you live on through me. So I guess I was wrong this whole time. I have to do better. For me. For you too.

Me and my sister are still Brian's girls. I carry him with me. So its time I do right by him by doing right by me.

Before my JHS prom, June 2004

Goal Breakdown

1.29.16

I have followed Courtney Sanders of Think and Grow Chick for a long time. I've signed up for her free courses, downloaded her Get What You Want workbook and stalked her blog. But I've never committed to anything. Last week I took part of her Big Goal Breakdown. Once again, I wasn't fully committed. But I did take away a lot of helpful information. She shared many great tips and lessons on how to actually achieve your goals instead of just wishing them into existence. The biggest thing that I took away from it was that the best way to see your goals come to life is to break them down. Last month, I wrote down a few goals for 2016 but it was not detailed at all. So I've decided to break each one down into smaller pieces. I won't go into detail for all of my goals here but I do have one that seems to incorporate a few other goals into it.

Create a morning routine
- don't snooze 759 times
- use bathroom/wash face/brush teeth
- drink full glass of water
- stretch/workout (cardio dance dvds/jump rope/hula hoop/conditioning/free weights)
- make green smoothie
- write in journal 15 min
- shower/get dressed

Altogether, this morning routine should only be 2 hrs. I should be able to commit 2 hours of my day to ME. And this routine is so great because it involves 4 of my goals. Honestly, my biggest concern is not snoozing my alarm 3 to 4 times every morning. It's been a problem of mine for years. I usually set my alarm 30 minutes earlier than I actually have to get up. I've been avoiding this trick forever, but I might just have to put my alarm across the room. If I can work on that, everything else should fall into place.

It's About Damn Time

12.7.15

I haven't blogged in a while because I have nothing to show for my hiatus. I'm still at a job I hate, I haven't lost any weight and I'm still in the same place I was in months ago. Well, actually, that's not true. I can definitely say that I don't have a dark cloud over my head.

I've been saying I wanted to leave my job for the entire time that I've worked there. 2 months ago, I wrote my resignation letter. Right as I was about to turn it in, I was convinced to stay. I know that quitting without a backup is not smart. But I figured I'd take being broke over mentally drained from working there.

I don't want to be negative. I don't want to dwell on what I haven't accomplished. I just wanna move forward. So I'm getting it out of my system right now. No, I'm still not where I want to be. But that's a good thing. Because there's still no where but up. I'm soooo tired of this shit. If I go back and read something I wrote 5 years ago, I'd bet any amount of money that it's the same shit now. I'm done with that. I've said that before. But it's different this time. My mental, physical and emotional well-being is dependent on it.

I don't normally like to do New Year's resolutions. I think that any day is a chance for a fresh start. But seeing as though it is December, it makes sense to frame my goals around a new year beginning. I've mapped out goals before, plenty of times. But I know this isn't just talk.


Goals for next year:
- lose a substantial amount of weight. I know that I want to lose at least 100 lbs and up to 130 but I don't wanna put the pressure on to do that all in one year.
- work out on a regular basis
- continue to incorporate more fruits/vegetables into my diet
- find a new job. Or find a way to replace my income so I can quit my job
- pay off credit card debt
- start singing again
- write on a consistent basis. This includes finishing the book I started last year
- be more social. This includes dating
- create a morning routine
- read more

I need to have guidelines and ways to hold myself accountable. If not, this is just another list of things I won't do. I have to learn to commit to myself and lead a more productive life. I just can't waste any more time.