Grief Sucks

I think I'm in a state of grief. This past week my emotions have been all over the place. My college career is ending and I don't know what to do with my feelings. I'm sad because I'm leaving, I'm excited to finally be done yet I'm terrified of having to become a real adult. In the middle of all this confusion, I'm also grieving the end of my time at school. And I suck at expressing grief. My first reaction is anger. I'd rather be pissed off than just sort through my actual feelings. I know it sounds crazy but that's kinda how I've always dealt with it.


 I know that using the term "grief" may sound strange but in these past couple of weeks I've already made up my mind that I'm leaving. I've detached myself from school and I'm suffering because of it. I've lost focus in classes and I need to snap out of it because I still have 7 weeks left. Ugh....

Single Woes

Random ass rant about my (lack of) love life:

• I don't know how to flirt. I come off bitchy and defensive and I think that guys think I want to cut them by the way that I look.
• I've never really dated. I met my first boyfriend when I was 15. We were together until I was 17 and I've been single ever since. I've talked to a few guys since but the last time I was talking to someone was almost two years ago. I feel so out of the loop when it comes to dudes. And it doesn't help that I come off a bit harsh. I really don't mean it though :/
• I haven't dated in a long time and I'm a bit scared because I don't think I have "dating etiquette." Whatever the fuck that's supposed to be...
• When I do date someone they are going to have to understand that I do not put on shows. I don't pretend and I don't take bullshit. So if I'm "supposed" to say certain shit and act a certain way, that shit ain't gonna happen. I'm awkward, I'm blunt, I laugh a lot, I have a lot of quirks. And I like me. I don't plan on changing the way I talk and act just to make someone else comfortable. Maybe I'm stubborn. Maybe I just don't care. But why should I act all sweet and phony just so you can be upset and confused when my true colors show??? Nah, that would be a waste of time and energy.
• I don't like talking about being single because then I overthink everything and start thinking there must be something wrong with me that no one wants me. But that's not the issue. It's not like I'm some crazy unlovable chick. I  may have my crazy moments but that's not why I'm single. I'm single because I don't ever meet people, ever. Plus I don't know how to appear approachable so I probably scare off all dudes lol. 
• Soon I'll be back in Brooklyn where my choices will (hopefully) multiply like crazy. I refuse to stay in my house all the damn time like I've been doing these past few years. Things just can't stay this way.   

My love affair with stretched hair :)

Last Saturday I decided that I needed to clip my raggedy ass ends so I washed my hair, braided it up and let it dry overnight. On Sunday I blowdried my hair and my sister clipped my ends. This was the first time I decided to clip my ends this way and it was definitely needed. My hair was soooo uneven. My entire left side was longer than my right, just weird lol. Anyway, I chose to try a bantu knot-out on straight hair. I usually twist my hair but I decided to do coils instead. I did about 30 coils, which is a bit much for me but I wanted the curls to be defined. Here's the outcome:

 
It was cute, nice and fluffy and the curls were cute. But it was a bit small for me. So that night I did bantu knots with 10 twists. Here's the outcome:

I was in looove :)

I wanted to keep my hair stretched so I did a few braidouts for the rest of the week. Then on Saturday night my sister did 8 flat twists going straight back. I just took them out this morning and I'm loving how big my hair is :)

Did I mention that I looooovvveeee stretched hair???

Blog Neglect

I haven't written in a while because everything I would like to write seems sad, depressing or repetitive. I didn't mean to neglect this blog, I just haven't felt all that great and I'm tired of writing sad blogs. Anyway, here's my life in a nutshell:
- I'm soooo tired of New Paltz and I'm ready to be out this bitch.
- I'm terrified of graduating and having to be a grown up. I know I have to just suck it up, and that I'll be fine when the time comes. It's still scary to me though lol.
- It's been over four years that I've been single. I'm tired of complaining about it and I kinda don't even have the right to since I've kept it this way.
- I really don't appreciate it when my friends offer my body to people. It happens way too often smh.
- I have not been focused lately. It's like I've hit a wall. Instead of me being excited to leave and working hard to just get it over with, I just don't wanna do a damn thing smh.


Also, it seems as though my blog is slowly becoming a hair blog. This is definitely not the case. I don't have enough time or patience to devote my blog to my hair. I love talking about what I'm doing with my hair, but lets be real - I don't have but so many readers lol. Most of the time I post about my hair just to have it documented so I can come back and see the stages I've gone through with my hair over the past 3 years.

This Week in Hair

Sunday night I washed my hair and put in 12 twists. Since I love the definition of twistouts but hate the shrinkage, I decided to try something new and band my twists. Here's a video of banding, if it sounds unfamiliar. I was looking forward to the outcome but I will have to try it again for two reasons. One, I need more bands and two, my hair didn't dry all the way by Monday morning. When I took out my hair, it came out a bit frizzy. It was still cute though lol. Also, I might try it on dry hair next time.

Then on Friday I had a cute little pony-puff going on. It's been a while since I had my hair up, I forgot how cute it was lol.

By the way, no I am not wearing the same shirt! I just like purple lol


Lately I've been noticing that my styles don't come out like they should. So I finally figured out why: my ends are raggedy! lol. Yeah so during spring break I'm gonna trim my ends, cuz this just ain't cute. I'm also still debating whether or not I wanna put my hair back in hiding or keep it out. I guess I'll decide after my trim.

Senioritis

These past two weeks it has been difficult for me to focus. Some days I slept through class, while other days I just said "fuck it" altogether and didn't go to class. I haven't been able to muster enough energy to care. This is horrible! I know that I'm almost done but that doesn't mean its ok for me to be in this slump. I guess in my mind I already settled on the idea of being done with school and its making it hard for me to focus. The thing is, I'm almost done. Which means I can't quite afford to fuck up. I guess I just gotta push through.


*sigh*


It's almost over...

Till It Happens To You

Ok so I LOVES me some Corinne Bailey Rae! I sat and listened to a bunch of her music while I was procrastinating today and a light bulb went off. Why don't I sing one of her songs? Duh! Initially, I was going to sing "Trouble Sleeping" since I have been so in love with it from the moment I heard it in 2006. But instead I did one of my other favorites, "Till It Happens to You." Hope I don't sound too horrible :)

Not too bad, right? I got a little loud on some parts and there's a few funky sounding notes, but I like it.



Oh yeah, Happy Birthday to meeeee! :D

Johnny Bravo and Gumby Had a Baby

My hair was looking all types of busted this morning so I decided to try an updo so that I can just tuck in all my ends. After over 20 minutes in the mirror, this is what I came up with:

I guess its kinda cute. I got a lot of compliments. I don't know though. I'm not really an updo type of person. Plus this style made me look like the offspring of Johnny Bravo and Gumby.





Lol. Oh well. I did say that I need to step out of my little comfortable box and try new things didn't I?