I'm not approachable?

I wrote this in November but never posted it.

So I'm not approachable. I get it. I know this, I'm not exactly sure how to change that. I feel like I am who I am - take me as is. Maybe that's what is stifling my growth. But I like me. I like who I'm becoming, I'm not like how I used to be. But at the same time I can't help but question why is it that no one wants me? Ok maybe I can rephrase that. Why do I fee like no one wants me? So one of my friends said that I don't look easy - easy to talk to, easy to get in bed - whatever, it really doesn't matter which.  I guess I look like a hassle - its too much of an obstacle to get to me. That's not true. No I'm not easy to get to bed, I'm definitely not. But I'm easy to talk to, or maybe I think I am. I can be harsh of course but that depends on my mood...ugh idk how to be approachable! That's not me. Plus I'm antisocial and I don't like people. But I do. I like talking to people, hanging out and all that, I really do....kinda...maybe a lil bit. Shit I don't even know anymore.

Even if I'm not easy/I don't look easy why aren't there any guys up for a challenge? Maybe no one is interested in who I am if they don't think they can get something out of me so they don't even try. How sad is that? Maybe its a good thing. Maybe I need someone up to a challenge. Yeah I can definitely be a challenge...a huge one lol. Maybe that's what I have to work on. But why should I have to? I like me...complications and all.

Ehh, whatever. Guess I'll continue feeling this way...

Weary - Amel Larrieux

From her 2006 album Morning


This video came on the other day and I hadn't heard it in so long that it made me smile a bit. When this song came out me and my sister were completely in love with it (plus we had a bit of fun trying to hit those whistle notes Amel does at the end lol). I love this video for 3 reasons.
1 - Amel is a completely underrated artist with a beautiful voice and great words to match.
2 - I love seeing women with natural hair in the media (and if you pay attention you can see her two daughters come in the store as customers...too cute :)
3 - I completely identify with the lyrics. This song is basically saying she is tired of pretending to be strong and complacent with her situation. Yes independence is cool but sometimes you get to a point where you wouldn't mind sharing your life with someone else. It feels good to have someone to go home to. It feels good having someone that is encouraging and makes you feel better about life. She's basically saying being alone is fine, but right now I would love to have someone that I can open up to and share with. If I could just trust someone with my heart, how great could it be? I'm not scared anymore, I had my time alone and now I'm ready. -- I couldn't agree more with these words.

Neglect

I think of things to write about on a daily basis but most times I choose not to share my thoughts. I think there's still a part of me scared to discuss how I feel because sometimes its hard for me to own up to my feelings. But some time ago I said that I wouldn't hold back. For one, I doubt I have many readers and two, uhhh this is my damn blog so why should I be afraid to express myself? Clearly you have the option to not visit or read if you don't like what you see. But another reason why I choose not to write often is because I feel stuck. I've been stuck feeling the same way and I've made no efforts to change it. So what I would write wouldn't be anything new. It would be the same old shit and honestly, who the hell wants to read fifty eleven blog posts talking about the same exact thing? Um, not a damn soul.

Since I use this place as a way for me to sort through my feelings, neglecting it just might not be the best idea. But anyway, long story short, I'm gonna come back to writing because I need to and shit, just cuz I can.

Love songs make me sick. pt 2

I'm not saying that I need a man in my life to make me happy. That's not true at all. I just miss having a man around. I don't have any male friends, I don't hang with any of my male cousins and I haven't had an interest in God knows how long. I don't want my desire to be around a man to be confused with insecurities and a need for validation. That's not the case. I know who I am and I love me. I just wish I had that in common with someone else. I don't need a man around to make me feel better but shit I need some damn testosterone in my life.

What's also not helping this feeling is that since I've been home for break I have been missing my father like crazy. I guess since I'm home, I'm constantly reminded that he isn't here. Memories pop up on a daily basis and I love them but at the same time they make me a bit sad. I miss having a man around, I miss having that man around. You cant find a daddy's love anywhere else. I know I just went on a tangent but I honestly don't give a fuck.

Love songs make me sick.

I wrote this over a month ago and never posted it. I thought it was too personal. I usually don't like writing sappy shit. Right now I don't give a fuck.

Love songs make me sick.
Maybe I am bitter. Maybe I am unhappy. Maybe I want someone in my life. Maybe I ignore this ache and pretend its not there. But its there. But I'm lonely. But I have no one. But I still feel this way...

I wish it was easy for me to find people like I see everyone else do. But I don't wanna waste time so I don't mind waiting. But this wait is lasting longer than expected. 3 yrs and counting...

Sometimes I sit and wonder if I'll ever know how it feels to be close to someone again. Will I ever feel his skin, hear his voice, feel his touch, hear his laugh, see his smile, hear him breathe next to me as he sleeps?

I just want a little bit. I promise I won't be difficult. All I wanna do is try to make someone else happy. I want to walk into a room and be the reason why he's smiling. I want to be the thing he looks forward to all day. His stress reliever. How he ends his day and relaxes. His comforter. I wanna take away his negativity and replace it with my love. But maybe that's too much. Its too much to want to find a man deserving of all of me.

Maybe it is too much to ask, because I want all of that in return. I want to smile at just the thought of him. I wanna look forward to seeing him, because he is what brightens up my day. I want it all. Am I not worthy? Am I not deserving? Of course I am. So where is he? I'm waiting.

I'm drowning, come save me.