This Depressing Cycle

Damn, I haven't written a blog in a while. It could be because I haven't been around a computer in a week or maybe its because of my lack of motivation. Whatever the reason, I'm starting to think maybe if I wrote more I would feel better. I just came back from spending a week in North Carolina on "vacation." I put it in quotations because I don't really know what I was taking a vacation from. Sitting at home not working? Sounds like a damn vacation already. Ok, well maybe not. This negative attitude needs to change; I've been in this damn funk for too long. There are so many things that are going on all at once and its driving me a little crazy. They are all dependent on eachother so I can't escape one without the other.
1) I'm unemployed which is very unfortunate, especially since I feel like I didn't do everything in my power to get a job. It's very late in the summer so I basically gave up on my job search. My lack of funds is pretty damn sad.
2) I can't stand being dependent on others. I feel like shit when people buy me things. Plus everything I do is dependent on other people's funds, I seriously hate that shit, like seriously.
3) Went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and guess what? I gained 10 pounds since I left school. So this was not a freshman 15 situation, I didn't gain weight until I came home. I've been overweight for a very long time but I have never weighed as much as I do now. Usually I wouldn't really be bothered because I love my shape. But now I have what looks like a baby bump. NOT CUTE. I look like I'm fucking expecting! Eww eww eww, sooo not cute - at all! So I've been talking to my sister and mother about what we all need to do to lose weight together. Honestly, I'm excited about it but I don't feel the excitement from them. To me its not just a weight thing - I know for a fact that I'm unhealthy because I can feel it. I don't feel well, ever. Either I'm tired or weak or light headed or I have a horrible headache. It's always one of these things that's wrong with me, and I don't want to place the blame solely on being anemic because I know for a fact that its more than that. What I need to do is make a serious commitment but I don't want to do it alone. We all need this. I need more action and less talk. Maybe this is something I have to do alone....

I guess I need to stop complaining and get on my grind. Nothing's gonna get done if it's all talk and no show. First step - buy a damn scale. Oh wait, I have no funds for that......


And this depressing cycle begins again.

Suicide Over MJ????

Today I was in the store and some man on the radio was talking about Michael Jackson. Of course, being sick of it I rolled my eyes and tried not to pay attention. But then I heard him say that 14 people have committed suicide since MJ died. Yes, 14 of his die hard fans killed themselves because he died. Now isn't that some crazy shit? It sounds pretty crazy to me. What the hell kind of mental state were they in that they felt like they couldn't go on anymore because Michael Jackson died? They must have been crazy and out of their minds to take their own lives over a MAN dying!!! What the fuck is this world coming to? Hey people IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS!!!! The King of Pop is dead, get over it please! Yes he touched millions of people with his music, I know that but it is not that serious. He's dead, let's face reality - no as a matter of fact, let's get back to life -- REAL LIFE. His family will deal with his death, I'm sure they are doing just fine mourning and greiving and all that. The rest of the world needs to realize that the Earth is still spinning and life isn't over. I don't even give a damn about being nice about it anymore. As mean as it sounds, life goes on, PERIOD.