Single Life

It seems like everyone but me can find a man. Wait, let me stop and rephrase that. I'm not after a man, it just puzzles me how like every damn girl that I know randomly finds men/boys to talk to and this is never the case for me. But then again, a lot of people find themselves in very insignificant relationships with people that are not their match at all. So maybe, I'm single because when I do find someone, no time will be wasted on bullshit and I wont have to go through unnecessary shit. Hmm...nice thought. But me bringing this up just makes me think, why is this so important? Well lets see....
(On a side note) I'm not placing an importance on being in a relationship, other things are more important but it'd be nice. Anyway...
Like I was saying....
I've been single since Jan 08, well technically June 07. Yeah, long ass time right? So I guess I have a right to wonder why I'm still single. I mean I know I don't look approachable (I've been told that I look mean and difficult to approach), I don't "put myself out there"(eww so not me....AT ALL) and blah blah blah. But there are people that are actually hard to approach and yet they have someone. WTF? Past my exterior, I'm actually not that bad. But then again I'm biased...

To deal with this issue of mine, I just make it inconsequential. So I make it seem smaller than it is to deal with the idea that maybe there's something wrong with the fact that I'm still single.

Wait, wait, I have an idea....hmm. I'm difficult at times, I don't go out much, I don't look approachable... ok maybe I see the problem now. But on the other hand, a close friend of mine said that it should be easy for men to be interested in me because of my physical appearance ("Ass and Tits" in his words). But I'm more than my physical. I don't want to only be recognized because of my over-sized anatomy. I'd actually prefer that someone is interested in me because of my mind, my sense of humor...my non-physical things! But please, physical is always first...sad but true.

Maybe I just shouldn't give a fuck. Hmm...sounds like a good plan for now lmao

Pile of Geese Shit

Ok, so now it's official. I feel like shit. And it seems for no apparent reason. Yeah I didn't get enough sleep last night, but do I ever? No. Yeah I have a lot of work to do and I'm currently working on a last minute project, but don't I always? Yes. So what the fuck is the problem? I don't seem to be understanding this blah feeling that has come over me. The semester is almost over, so I should be excited about that, I'm not though. I just declared my majors and I was excited about it. Not anymore. I was going on and on for days about chopping my hair off and how great I felt about that. But I don't feel great at the moment. What the hell is my problem?

UGHHHHH

I need to figure it out before I go crazy.

yeah yeah yeah, whatever

Today I feel like a zombie. Having a lot of work to do with little time shouldn't be a problem for me. It sounds like my life. But today, I just wanna sleep and do nothing else. I don't want to read, I don't want to write, shit I barely want to talk. And that's rare lol. I don't feel like its the whole "over-worked college student" thing either. That's not it. I know why I'm here and I know what I have to do, even if that means some sleepless nights and tired days. I know all this, so why is it that I feel like this? Idk what the fuck anything is half the time. I don't know how to feel anymore...if I ever did.

UGHHHHHHHHHH

I need a release.....like seriously before I explode.

Anticipating My Naps!

For as long as I can remember I've always envied people with curly hair. I would look at their hair and wish mine wasn't so boring. I'd wish this limp shit on my head would become interesting and lively with some curls. But now I realize that I wasn't envious of these other people. I wasn't longing for something I couldn't have, I was longing to go back to my roots (literally lol). It was not my choice to chemically alter my hair. My aunt decided that she no longer wanted to braid my hair so at the young age of 10, I got my first relaxer. I've been relaxing my hair because supposedly its easier to handle, you could do more with straight hair and its more acceptable by society. BLAH BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT.

For almost 9 years I've had straight hair and it was normal to me. But now I realize that what's normal is not chemically processing my hair. The way my hair is naturally is the way my hair should be. For the past year and a half I have been back and forth about growing out my hair. When I went 6 months without a relaxer I realized, hey I don't NEED a relaxer. My hair is just fine. But out of convenience I got a touch up. Then another 6 months went by and I swore up and down that I was not gonna relax it...then I did. This happened for the last time in September. So it's been almost 7 months since I've gotten a perm! How exciting!

Words cannot express how excited I am to be transitioning! I'm excited about become re-acquainted with my natural texture and trying different styles. But at the same time I'm a lil scared. Scared its not gonna look right, scared I won't know what to do with it and other things. But my excitement overrides my fear. My anticipation is killing me!

Soon I'll be chopping this straight boring shit off and embracing my naps! Can't wait :D

EWW

I'm looking at my posts and I realize that in these few posts, I talk about my love life, or lack thereof lol. First off, let me say EWWWWW. I don't like talking about this too much, but for some strange reason, it keeps coming up. OK, maybe the reason isn't so strange. It could be that I been single for like.....ever lol and I'm starting to feel like maybe this isn't normal. But then again, I'm no where near normal, and I don't want to be either. Fitting into the norms aint my thing.

But anyway, since we're on the topic....
Why is having a significant other so important? I get love from so many people on a daily basis, which I appreciate. But there's just something about having someone on a different level. The whole process of getting to know someone and becoming a part of their life is exciting. And I can honestly say I haven't had too much of that. But then again, I'm only 19 so I'm not anxious like that. Plus, my number one priority right now is school.

Maybe I'll come back to this later. Maybe......

It was on my mind so.....

I'm 7, she's dead
I watched as she incomprehensibly spoke, eyes bulging
I asked the lord not to take her away
But she went, she's gone

I'm 14, he's dead
I watched as he frantically gasped for air, eyes bulging
I prayed for this not to be the last time I see him
But he went, he's gone

They left

Just a Little Rant

I'm offensive, maybe even rude. I always want an explanation because I like when things make sense to me. I am in constant opposition with the people closest to me. We disagree, I don't care, its just conversation - but they care, they get offended. I openly receive criticism. Yeah I get offended easily, but I'll talk it out. Maybe loudly, maybe softly. What can I say? That's just a part of who I am. Take me like this or leave me the fuck alone. PERIOD.
If you don't like being around me, here's a simple solution: don't come around me!!! DUH lol. I'm sorry but I'm not apologetic about me being me (contradiction right? lol), I don't have time to. Just like I don't have time to care. If you're close to me then you'd know that I'm not abrasive on purpose, I actually mean well. It just doesn't come off that way...like ever lol.

To Be Continued...