Hey Daddy

Growing up, every night before bed, my father would come to my doorway to give me a hug and a kiss. I remember waking up and seeing him there sometimes because he would randomly check on me and my sister in the middle of the night. He would stand in the doorway just to check to make sure we were alright. Ever since my father passed away, over 11 years ago, from time to time I catch myself staring at the doorway to my bedroom. I guess, hoping that maybe he would appear. I even wake in the middle of the night sometimes and stare at my door. But no Daddy.

This morning, as I was preparing to work out, I was facing my vision board. I started reading some things out loud, trying to motivate myself. After doing some squats (I just started a challenge, gotta get that booty right), I turned around to take a sip of water. I was drawn to my doorway once again. So today, I decided to indulge. Maybe Daddy was there. So I spoke to him.

Hey Daddy. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to get motivated. I know all of the things I need to do to get it together, but when its time to do it, I struggle. It's like I don't really know what I'm doing it for. I was talking to a friend a couple of months ago who told me that he thought I was going through life trying to make you proud. I told him that was absurd, you're not here, how could I make you proud? I'm not living for you. When I think of it though, I'm barely living for me. I know that I need to get my stuff together. But for me. What would it benefit you? I know you're still around, but not physically. So I don't want to make you proud. Maybe I should do it for me. Because the more I think about it, doing it for me is doing it for you. Because you get to live on through me. 42 is so young. I know you did a lot, but there was so much more you could've done. You didn't get a chance to live at your highest potential. But you can through me. Because you live on through me. So I guess I was wrong this whole time. I have to do better. For me. For you too.

Me and my sister are still Brian's girls. I carry him with me. So its time I do right by him by doing right by me.

Before my JHS prom, June 2004

Goal Breakdown

1.29.16

I have followed Courtney Sanders of Think and Grow Chick for a long time. I've signed up for her free courses, downloaded her Get What You Want workbook and stalked her blog. But I've never committed to anything. Last week I took part of her Big Goal Breakdown. Once again, I wasn't fully committed. But I did take away a lot of helpful information. She shared many great tips and lessons on how to actually achieve your goals instead of just wishing them into existence. The biggest thing that I took away from it was that the best way to see your goals come to life is to break them down. Last month, I wrote down a few goals for 2016 but it was not detailed at all. So I've decided to break each one down into smaller pieces. I won't go into detail for all of my goals here but I do have one that seems to incorporate a few other goals into it.

Create a morning routine
- don't snooze 759 times
- use bathroom/wash face/brush teeth
- drink full glass of water
- stretch/workout (cardio dance dvds/jump rope/hula hoop/conditioning/free weights)
- make green smoothie
- write in journal 15 min
- shower/get dressed

Altogether, this morning routine should only be 2 hrs. I should be able to commit 2 hours of my day to ME. And this routine is so great because it involves 4 of my goals. Honestly, my biggest concern is not snoozing my alarm 3 to 4 times every morning. It's been a problem of mine for years. I usually set my alarm 30 minutes earlier than I actually have to get up. I've been avoiding this trick forever, but I might just have to put my alarm across the room. If I can work on that, everything else should fall into place.

It's About Damn Time

12.7.15

I haven't blogged in a while because I have nothing to show for my hiatus. I'm still at a job I hate, I haven't lost any weight and I'm still in the same place I was in months ago. Well, actually, that's not true. I can definitely say that I don't have a dark cloud over my head.

I've been saying I wanted to leave my job for the entire time that I've worked there. 2 months ago, I wrote my resignation letter. Right as I was about to turn it in, I was convinced to stay. I know that quitting without a backup is not smart. But I figured I'd take being broke over mentally drained from working there.

I don't want to be negative. I don't want to dwell on what I haven't accomplished. I just wanna move forward. So I'm getting it out of my system right now. No, I'm still not where I want to be. But that's a good thing. Because there's still no where but up. I'm soooo tired of this shit. If I go back and read something I wrote 5 years ago, I'd bet any amount of money that it's the same shit now. I'm done with that. I've said that before. But it's different this time. My mental, physical and emotional well-being is dependent on it.

I don't normally like to do New Year's resolutions. I think that any day is a chance for a fresh start. But seeing as though it is December, it makes sense to frame my goals around a new year beginning. I've mapped out goals before, plenty of times. But I know this isn't just talk.


Goals for next year:
- lose a substantial amount of weight. I know that I want to lose at least 100 lbs and up to 130 but I don't wanna put the pressure on to do that all in one year.
- work out on a regular basis
- continue to incorporate more fruits/vegetables into my diet
- find a new job. Or find a way to replace my income so I can quit my job
- pay off credit card debt
- start singing again
- write on a consistent basis. This includes finishing the book I started last year
- be more social. This includes dating
- create a morning routine
- read more

I need to have guidelines and ways to hold myself accountable. If not, this is just another list of things I won't do. I have to learn to commit to myself and lead a more productive life. I just can't waste any more time.

Oh yeah, I'm bald...

Soooo I cut my hair on 4/30/15.

I went from this.



To this.




And I couldn't be happier.

I decided to cut my hair for a few reasons. I was tired of doing my hair. I wanted something low maintenance. I wanted to start over. So my hair cut was for convenience but also an attempt for me to shed some negative energy. So far, so good :)

Temperature's Rising

"Temperature's Rising" from Raheem Devaughn's Love Sex Passion (2015)



Yesssss Raheem! Yes!

Why I Love You So Much

"Why I Love You So Much" from Monica's Miss Thang (1995)





I've alwayssss loved this song.
I remember feeling this way.
I'm hopeful that I can experience that again.

I was wrong

I'll be honest. I gave up. I decided I didn't have anything special to say and no one cared. I decided that it wouldn't make a difference in my life whether I wrote down my thoughts or not.

I was wrong.

Over the past few months of neglecting my blog, I finally accepted what I've known to be true for years. I am a writer. I am a writer. There is no escaping this. I am no longer going to be so afraid of it that I avoid it altogether. It is my truth. I need to live in it. Improve on my craft, increase my confidence. I've been making more time to write and I definitely need to get back to picking up a pen every day. Every day. Even if its only one sentence.


Now I don't have any excuses. And you know what? I'm excited :)

Sunday Night Blues

So tomorrow starts another work week. Another set of days where I have to show up on time, answer the phone and basically suppress all Shatera-ness. I’ll be reduced to a set of numbers...dates, times, metrics, bullshit. Every Sunday night I find myself questioning my life, my choices, my worth, and how much I hate my job. It’s a combination of self-loathing, shame and hopelessness. Like, “how could you let your life get like this? How did you become the girl with the shitty existence?” I don’t have the answer to that. Maybe I should put less into how the job I have shapes my life. Maybe it’s just a job, nothing more, nothing less. The only problem that I have with that is that I need it to be more. I need to feel useful. I need to feel important. I do. And yes, sometimes I feel good when I help my customers. But for the most part? I feel useless. Useless. Insignificant. Replaceable. And I hate this feeling. So I constantly battle with finding a way to fix it. What can I do to feel important? Should I even have these feelings? Is it wrong of me to feel the necessity to be somebody? Even just a little somebody. I don’t need fame or notoriety. That isn't important. I need to feel useful. What am I contributing to society? Yeah, customer service is important. But its is not important to ME. But where do I belong? Where the hell do I belong???

So here we are again. It's Sunday night. I’m dreading going to work tomorrow. I don’t want to go to bed because that means I have to wake up and face the world. I have to be a functioning part of society. When my mind and body is screaming for me to stay in bed. Allow myself to succumb to this nagging feeling of me not belonging there. That somehow, me staying home can preserve my mind. It won’t. As long as I continue to avoid this need to move on by complaining and feeling depressed, the longer I will suffer. Yes, I hate being there. But how am I gonna fix it? What’s next? I need a plan, because this is not working. But that just brings me back to the same place...where do I belong?

Better question. What has been holding me back from moving on? Since the first day, I knew this wasn’t for me. It’s nice having an income. It’s easy to become complacent. I don’t have to try hard. I don’t have to dress up. It’s easy. Come in, answer the phones, be on time, leave. Easy money. A weekly paycheck. But after awhile, it’s just repetitive bullshit. Same shit. Day in and day out. It’s tiring. It’s boring. I’m not using my brain. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel smart. It doesn’t matter that I have my degree. It doesn’t matter how creative I am. It doesn’t matter what I think. Who I am is not important. WHO I AM IS NOT IMPORTANT. Of course I’m drained and depressed. If this is how I feel every damn day. But what do I do about it? Complain and stay. Collect my check and stay. Hate every minute there, but stay. So here we go again...where the hell do I belong? I know where I don’t belong. But that’s not enough. It just isn’t.

Maybe I am putting too much on my job. Maybe I just need a hobby. Maybe I should change my expectations. Orrrrrr I can want more and work on getting it.

No more maybes. I want more. So I am going to work on it every chance that I get. That’s the only way my reality is going to change. I need to take action and stop talking about it. I loathe going to work every day. That should be enough motivation.

Time's Up

I celebrated my 25th birthday 4 weeks ago. I had a really good time with my family and friends. And I just knew I was cute. Until I saw pictures of myself later on. Yeah, I'm gorgeous still, duh. But this excess weight? It has to go. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. Ever.

How did I get here?


depression.
laziness.

emotional eating.
complacency.


Time's up. It's over. The longer I continue to exist like this, the less time I have to actually live.

I'm so over this. I have to make major life changes.