Sincerely, Shatera

Crochet Braids Pt. 4

2012-01-25T16:49:00.000-05:00

My new hair came as an accident. Last week I decided to do another set of crochet braids and instead of curly hair, I used afro kinky bulk. I wanted a big crazy looking fro, and that is exactly what I ended up with - an entirely too big and scary afro that I couldn't even style. Me and my sister were stuck for a minute but we quickly came up with a plan B. Since we weren't about to waste hair or time, my sister twisted the hair.

I like these twists because of how realistic they are. I've already have quite a few people think that this is my hair lol. I mean, my hair is this length but its not quite the same texture. I plan on keeping these for a few weeks.

Is it weird that it hasn't even been a whole week yet and I miss my hair already? I love doing protective styles, I just end up getting bored or wanting to play with my hair. Hopefully I can resist the urge for a while.

Pt.1 Pt.2 Pt.3

Straw Curls!

2012-01-14T20:57:00.000-05:00

Last night I finally decided to do a straw set on my hair, after saying I was going to do one for theeee longest lol. So after washing and conditioning my hair, I twisted my hair into 10 sections. I probably used about 5-6 straws for each section and the products I used were Cantu shea butter, the pink Eco Styler gel and olive oil. I'm not too sure of how long it took because I had a bunch of breaks. But I think it was somewhere between 2-3 hours. When I took out the straws this afternoon I was very pleased. I separated each piece into 3 sections. My hair was soft, shiny and bouncy. The only issue is that my ends are kind of fuzzy but I think that is because of the way I wrapped the ends of my hair around the straws. Next time I'll have to figure out a better method. Maybe I needed more oil on my ends. Anyway, its not too bad, I still like it :)

New Look

2012-01-09T04:36:00.000-05:00

I was reading through my blog the other day when I realized that I no longer liked the way it looked. It was kinda blah and boring looking. So I made a few changes. I'm just playing around now so things might be changing soon. Hopefully it's looking a bit more lively.

While I was changing the look around it made me think about how this new look could be symbolic in a way. I usually know when I have a problem. I'll say I'm going to fix it and never do anything about it. But it is time for me to be proactive. I'm tired of just thinking about doing things, I need to actually do them. And this may seem trivial but I feel like one small step can lead the way to bigger and better changes.

I need to learn how to take charge. I'm living my life as a passenger and basically missing out on life because I am too afraid to drive. The only reason that I feel stuck is because I made it that way and I'm comfortable playing the same role I've been playing for years. I can't have this anymore. I know I've said that a gazillion times here on this blog but now I seriously need to step up and do something.

Goals for 2012

2012-01-06T22:02:00.001-05:00

I don't make new year's resolutions because I know I will not follow through. I also believe that I don't need a new year for new beginnings. We should seek growth and positive change throughout the year. But I have a horrible habit of starting things and never finishing. I need to quit that shit, on some seriousness. So I am going to make a list of goals for this year. Simply because I don't wanna feel stuck forever. If I haven't grown at all by the end of this year then I have wasted time. So here are some goals. Some are serious and some are random and frivolous. Some are things that are expected of me and others, things I need to start expecting from myself.

Graduate - this one is a given. I will be walking across that stage on May 20th, 2012. No if ands or buts about it.
Find a job and start working. Somewhere. Who knows where, just some damn where lol
Keep experimenting with my hair.
Incorporate exercise back into my life.
Lose at least 50lbs. 70 is my real goal for December but we'll see what happens.
Spice up my wardrobe. I don't want to buy any more clothes for the size I am now so I probably won't be working on this goal until the warmer months hit. This makes sense since I don't really care about getting cute just to go to class. So after I graduate I'll be singing a different song. Especially if I'm smaller.
Record a video of me singing. And post it...publicly lol
Sing live in front of people...on purpose lol
Experiment with makeup.
Work on my skin problems.
Go on dates. I stay to myself and I don't put myself in situations where I could meet guys. I'm not very open and inviting and if I change my attitude, who knows what else will change. I've been single forever and its because I've kept it that way. I think its time for a change.
Blog more :)

Here We Go Again...

2012-01-06T21:43:00.000-05:00

I feel stuck.

Sometimes I think if my environment changes, so will my attitude. But no matter what my environment is, I always seem to feel the same way. The thing is, I need to change me before I can feel better about anything. I need to change the way I feel about myself - how I feel about me & how I percieve me. Because if that doesn't change, it doesn't matter what my circumstances are. I need to feel better about myself because honestly, I can't remember the last time I did.

I, admittedly, have a horrible lack of ambition and drive. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm only slightly worried about that. Guess its because I have faith that things will work out. I don't have any particular goals right now other than graduating. After that...well, I plan on working...somewhere, doing something...not quite sure yet.

As far as my health, I know that I need to lose weight. Its not just an appearance thing but a health concern. I do not need to be this size. Its pretty fucking ridiculous. But in order for me to get in shape and get my shit together I need to get serious and fully commit. And I'm kinda scared to start because I don't think I will stick with it. I know it doesn't make much sense but I know me. I know how I start things and never finish. I don't want to do that, so I avoid it altogether. Horrible, I know.

You know what, I need to write down some of my goals. Maybe if I write shit down I'll be slightly more motivated. Writing things down makes them a bit more real. Hopefully things work out this time. We'll see...

Wash & Go

2012-01-02T21:15:00.000-05:00

My last wash & go was over the summer and I haven't done that style since, mainly because of the weather. But Friday I knew I had nothing to do so I could sit in the house with wet hair lol. This time around I used some Pantene Pro-V Nature Fusion conditioner as a leave in and my pink Eco Styler Gel. I like the pink one because it has a hold of 7. The stronger holds leaves my hair all kinds of crunchy. But anyway, here's some pics:

Day 1

Day 2

Look at those curls mmmmm :)

Day 4

Looking all crazy and wild...love it! And don't I look like I belong in the wrong decade with this pic? lmaoo

So Into You

2011-12-15T01:22:00.002-05:00

I looove this song. I could listen to it all day :)

Sorry for the crappy version...its all I could find :/

Tamia - "So Into You" Tamia 1998

Yes, the original...without Fabolous lol

Lyrics:

Verse 1:
With every passing moment
Thoughts of you run through my head
Every time that I'm near you
I realize that you're heaven sent

I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh Baby

Chorus 2x
I really like what you've done to me
I can't really explain it, I'm so into you

Verse 2:
It could be the way that you hold me
It could be the things that you say
Oh I'm not to sure what is is boy
But I know I like feeling this way

I think you're truly something special
Just what my dreams are really made of
Let's stay together you and me boy
There's no one like you around
Oh Baby

Chorus 4x

Bridge:
Oh I really like
What I feel when I'm with you
You're a dream come true
Don't you ever leave my side
Cuz it feels so right

Chorus 4x

Notebook

2011-12-14T15:08:00.001-05:00

How I'm feeling right now...

Chrisette Michele - "Notebook" from Epiphany 2009

Verse 1:
I'm feelin you, you feelin me
But still we can't be together
I got a feelin
You got these same feelins
Too bad we can't feel 'em together

I sit on my bed and wonder
How it'd be if you were mine
I think of you like no other
Here's what I do every night

Chorus:
Write in my notebook
X's and O's
Beside your name
Only my notebook knows how I feel
My heart is on every page

Oh oh oh oh (feel a little like)
Oh oh oh oh (feel a little like)
Oh oh oh oh (feel a little like)
Hey hey

Oh oh oh oh (feel a little like)
Oh oh oh oh (feel a little like)
Oh oh oh oh (feel a little like)
Hey hey

Verse 2:
Do you have any idea
How hard it is to act like you don't mean a thing when
This chemistry between you & me
I wanna share with everyone
All I can do is just write down every emotion I feel
Hopefully one day you'll find out
My love for you is real

Chorus

Bridge:
So many times I passed up love & walked
So many times I've let love walk by
This time's it's got to be different
Take my notebook
Read every thought in my mind

Chorus

How My Heart Aches

2011-12-13T00:14:00.000-05:00

The sun sets

Another day gone

Opportunity missed

I didn’t get the chance

To tell you

My heart aches

The sun rises

Such a beautiful sight

Today’s the day

So many opportunities

To tell you

My heart aches

The stars shine

Darkness falls

You’re lying next to me

I took a chance

Now you know

How my heart aches

hey you.

2011-12-12T23:24:00.000-05:00

I came across this picture earlier while doing my daily natural hair blog browsing. I think it pretty much speaks for itself.

Biggest Puff Ever!

2011-12-12T23:03:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday I had the biggest puff that I've ever had before! I did another dry braidout for Friday and that night I was a bit, um...er inebriated to braid it up lol. So I woke up Saturday with a huge ass undefined bush...I was in love! Here's some pics:

Running My Mouth

2011-12-12T22:53:00.000-05:00

I've waited too long to make a move. I've talked about it too much to too many people. Now everyone is in my ear telling me what I need to do. I'm not even sure if I want it anymore. There's just too much surrounding it now. Everyone pressuring me to make a move just makes me what to do the opposite. But I've made it this way. So what am I to do? Nothing. As usual.

A very big part of who I am is being able to talk about what is bothering me. If something is on my mind I need to discuss it or I might go crazy. I spent the majority of my life holding everything in. EVERYTHING! And I would have these random ass tantrums when everything finally hit the surface and I reached my breaking point. NOT HEALTHY! So after my father died I decided no to hold everything in anymore. I realized that it was ok to feel however I was feeling and try to express it out loud. Now of course I have my moments when I over express myself, when its unwanted and unnecessary. But I'm working on that...Anyway, back to what I was saying - I think I went from never wanting to say how I felt to talking too damn much. And now I don't know what to do :(

Well, other than shut the hell up of course smh

Seriously though, if I'm not going to do anything about how I feel, what's the point of me talking about it all the damn time? I might as well just keep it to myself. It's a bit late for that now though *heavy sigh*

Circles

2011-12-09T06:55:00.001-05:00

I have to admit, I get tired of writing the same shit over and over. Yet somehow I always end up doing it -__-

This is probably because I keep doing the same shit over and over. I'm constantly going in circles, repeating myself then complaining about it. There's so many things that I want for myself but my biggest problem is that I don't create situations. I just let situations happen then react to them. I can't be mad if shit doesn't turn out how I like if I put absolutely no effort into things. But then I just use that and say that whatever happens happens and I can't complain with the outcome. It's this horrible complacency that I'm stuck in and I refuse to change to make it better. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I think I stopped making sense -__-

Whatever. Goodnight.

Give Me a Chance

2011-12-05T23:33:00.003-05:00

Can't get this song out of my head ♥

Dwele - "Give Me a Chance" from W.ants W.orld W.omen 2010

Lyrics:

Verse 1
Hey pretty lady
You must have a man
You ain't answer fast enough,
You should take my hand and let me show you
Things about this [nigga], it's too late baby you
Hesitated, just let me entertain you.

Chorus x2
Give me a chance (to show you), show you love
Oh yeah baby, give me a

Verse 2
Give me a second, you should take my seven
Can we talk for a minute, no my name ain't Tevin
Keep you hot like Campbells
Wrap you tight like Diesel....clothing in a seven,
You like a nine, maybe a dime maybe eleven
But who's really counting?
[...]
I understand sometimes you gotta breathe (for a minute)
I respect your space, you need yours and I need mine
But right now I'm in your face until you

Chorus x2
Give me a chance (to show you), show you love
Oh yeah baby, give me a

Bridge
Times is getting harder, baby you need to laugh
You don't need that clown [ass nigga],
I can make you laugh, girl feel my fabric
Boyfriend material, baby you can have it
Wear it til you cant no more
Look there's no pressure, thank you for your time
Now you got my seven, please keep me in mind
And you can call me like a question
Baby I will answer, I can be life enhancer in a man,
If you want to take a chance

Chorus x3
Give me a chance (to show you), show you love
Oh yeah baby, give me

I'm in Love!

2011-12-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

After having the great results of the dry braidout on Wednesday, that night I braided my hair with just coconut oil and wore it in a hat the next day. On Friday when I took out my braids, my hair was begging for moisture. It looked dull and felt dry. But I just wore it how it looked since I was happy for big hair.

Looking pretty damn dry lol

Friday night I twisted it up with Cantu Shea Butter and olive oil. Since dry twistouts never seem to work for me, I did bantu knots with my twists. It came out pretty nice. It was really soft and fluffy and I got a few compliments on it.

Today I wore the same style again, just a bit different. I loooved it!

I'm really enjoying the looks I'm getting from dry twisting/braiding. I know that before I complained about not being able to get big hair then I decided to accept my curls and found out that blowouts were good for big hair. Now I've found out how to make it work without using heat. So I'm really excited :)

I feel like I'm writing more and more about my hair. I do recall making this one of my hair goals when I came upon my 2 yr. Nappiversary 6 months ago.

Here's the goals I set for myself:
1. Find new products
2. Try new styles
3. Take more pictures
4. Retain length
5. Healthy hair is sexy hair

So far I think I'm doing pretty damn good :)

Besos

2011-11-30T18:29:00.025-05:00

Last night while I was walking back to my room, I passed a couple that were making out. I wasn't disgusted or jealous or anything like that, but I had a strange reaction. I was overcome with this intense feeling of sadness. This upset me because I couldn't see why I would have such a reaction to that.

So I thought about it. The last time I kissed someone, I mean actually kissed someone, was four years ago. I honestly don't remember what it even feels like anymore. How fucking sad. smh

It just makes me think of how hard it may be for me to even allow myself to get close to someone again. It's been so long that I'm terrified of the idea of just being in someone else's space where kissing could even be possible.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all fucked up. I've never felt 'normal' but when it comes to dealing with dudes, I feel intensely awkward and out of place. WTF. I'm sure this post might make me sound crazy, punk-like, inexperienced...whatever. I don't give a fuck.

I need to learn how to relax, but I constantly stay on guard. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'll find a guy that makes it easy for me to open up and be comfortable with. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about something that isn't even that damn serious.

But I can't help but feel this way.

Fluffy Braid Out

2011-11-30T17:34:00.001-05:00

Today my hair was the most stretched its ever been without me having to blow dry it. After I wore the pinned up style on Saturday, I braided my hair without adding any product. I didn't take out these braids until Monday when I wore a puff. Then that night I just braided my hair with some coconut oil and yesterday I wore a hat all day with the braids underneath. So here's how my braidout came out today:

I received several compliments and a shitload of comments like "your hair is sooo long," and "ooh it grew so much." Usually I can't stand these comments because its not odd that my hair is longer. My hair grew because, well, hair grows...that's what it does lol. Anyway, these comments made perfect sense since I have been wearing my hair up in a puff all semester. So no one ever really sees it down, plus my hair is super stretched today. I even was caught off guard by my hair constantly touching my neck and shoulders. All of this dry braiding has my hair stretched out and fluffy and I'm definitely feeling it :)

Pinned Up

2011-11-28T00:35:00.000-05:00

Last night I went out to a live show and wanted to do something cute with my hair. So I tried the pinned up style that I did a couple of weeks ago again. In the front I did a dry twist out with Cantu and olive oil. The rest of my hair was just put in 5 braids. I took out my braids/twists and in the back I rolled/tucked my hair and pinned it up. I separated the twists a bit to fluff em out and pinned up the sides. Here's how it came out:

It was a bit frizzy but that's cool cuz the frizz made it look bigger lol. Getting my hair to look big is always a struggle for me so when it does, I welcome it completely. Overall, I'm pleased with the look :)

Texture Shots!

2011-11-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

So on Tuesday night I finally washed my hair after putting it off for a few days. Mannnn detangling after having those coils for over a week was quite some work. But its cool though, I'm pretty patient. While detangling, I looked at how sexy my curls were and decided to take a couple pictures lol

Oooh look at those curls! Kinda sexy ;)

Going in Circles

2011-11-22T13:33:00.000-05:00

Its been so long since I've been with someone, I feel like when I do allow someone in, I'm gonna fall to pieces. I try so hard to put up this front that I'm ok and I'm strong but I know if a man came and wanted to be strong for me, I wouldn't fight it. I probably would turn to mush in his hands. I would turn into a crying blubbering mess and scare this poor man away. Or he'd stay and let me release everything that I've been holding in for years. It would be refreshing to have someone tell me its ok. to. just. be.

I don't even know if I'm capable of that anymore. I'm always on guard or preoccupied with something else. Yeah I've been crying all the time lately and I always try my hardest to get what I'm feeling off my chest. But I usually leave out a big chunk of how I'm feeling. so. alone. A man can't fix this but shit, he might be able to make me feel a little better. Just for me to know that someone else is interested in me. Yeah I know that I've said this before - if I don't want me, no one else will. And a man can't really validate me, that's something that I need to do on my own. But damn, can I remember what it feels like to be desired? I know that I'm always running in this same circle and nothing will change if I don't try to change myself. So what is it that I need to work on?

Ok so I'm awkward. So what. I'm probably always gonna be awkward so I just need to find someone who understands me lol. Most of the time I laugh at myself and keep it moving. I know that I don't know how to interact with boys. Either I'm too serious, I scare them off with my crazy mouth or I run away and avoid them altogether. When I like someone, I don't act like it. I'm so scared that if I look them in the eye they'll see right through me and figure out how I feel. And I wear my emotions on my face, so you can usually see how I'm feeling verrrry clearly lol. Maybe I just need to stop being a punk and learn how to be more outgoing. Or maybe I just need to work on my confidence. Or maybe I'll just curl up in a ball and stay lonely as fuck -__-

Of course, I'll revisit this again soon.

Stalker

2011-11-20T02:16:00.000-05:00

I stare at you from across the room. You don’t see me but I have a perfect view of you. And those round lips. My mind wanders…I imagine us together. Just talking, joking, playing around. I look up and see you staring back. In your eyes I see lust. Or maybe I just imagine this. My thoughts change. I now imagine you next to me. On top of me. Inside of me. I snap out of it to see you walking over to me. I smile and offer my hand.

Hello, my name is Shatera…

Coil Out pt2

2011-11-19T23:07:00.001-05:00

Day 2

It shrunk a bit. Womp womp womp :/

Day 3

Shrinkage ain't no joke lol

Oh and here's a pic from the last time I did this style in March.

I didn't notice how much my hair has grown :)

I love this style because the coils are gorgeous and they stay in their cute little cylinders lol. There's no retwisting, rebraiding or anything involved. The only downside is that when its time to detangle, I'm gonna have to be very patient and careful. It's cool though, I don't mind. Now I just gotta figure out what I want to do with my hair next, hmmm...

Coil Out

2011-11-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

Monday afternoon I washed my hair, which was looong overdue lol. Then put in coils just by twirling sections of hair with my index finger and thumb. I used my Cantu Shea Butter and olive oil. This morning I took out my coils just by unraveling them and separating them into pieces. This is how my hair came out:

My hair came out shiny and soft. It's a tad bit frizzy but I like it like that. I'll probably separate it some more as the days pass to make it look bigger and fuller.

By the way, did I mention how much I looove the color of my hair?? I reallly do lmao. When I was younger I said I would never dye my hair and I still feel this way. It's such a pretty brown, dying it isn't even an option for me. I always say that if I want my hair to be a different color, I'll just buy some lmao

Those Eyes

2011-11-15T23:32:00.000-05:00

Your eyes pierce through my soul

Your eyes awaken a part of me I thought had died

I buried me

Your eyes make me want what I’ve been denied

Your eyes take me to places I’ve never been

I’ve risen

Your eyes give me everything I want

Your eyes stare into mine

I’m alive

New Hairstyles

2011-11-15T23:22:00.001-05:00

Over the past couple of weeks I've been playing around with my hair a bit. The first style I did was a pinned up look. The night before I braided my hair with Cantu Shea Butter and sealed with castor oil. In the morning I took the braids out, pinned it up in the back and left the front out to hang. I was really feeling the look and got a bunch of compliments.

Sooo here's my first bun...ever lmaoo. I've never worn a bun before. When my hair was straight I never had enough body for one. Even now, I don't have enough body or length so I just folded my hair and pinned it down. I don't really care too much about having the slicked down look so all I did was wet my hair and added a bit of olive oil. It came out pretty good.

Oh yeah, this was done with a braidout as well. I've really been feeling braidouts a lot lately. The definition is good and it stretches my hair nicely. I've been playing around with other styles too but didn't take any pics, womp womp lol. Right now I have some coils in and I plan on doing a coil out. We'll see how it comes out in the AM...

Lay It Down

2011-11-13T21:40:00.002-05:00

Dwele - "Lay it Down" from Some Kinda 2005

Dwele is just so smooth and relaxing. He's definitely one of my favorite artists :)

I love this song for so many reasons but the main one being that I wish someone would sing it to me. I try so hard to push away just the thought of having feelings for someone or the thought of being with someone again. This is mainly because I have my guard all the way, up all the time. I couldn't even possibly let anything happen because I wouldn't allow it. Sometimes all I want is for someone to see past the barriers I've built and be interested in me despite the hardened shell I've created. But how could that ever happen if I don't allow it?

Here's the lyrics:

Hook

Lay it down (down) on me (down) on me, (down) on me [x2]

Verse 1

I find it hard to believe someone as beautiful (as beautiful)

Inside, as well as physical, could hold back something so emotional (so emotional)

Just let it go, and lay it down

And enjoy yourself if only for the night

Just leave it because a new day tomorrow will bring

We will leave no void this moment can't replace

So just,

Hook

Lay it down (down) on me (down) on me, (down) on me [x2]

Verse 2

If I had one wish, it would be that I could spend more time with you

And live in your aphrodisiality, so that we could do things lovers do (lovers do)

If I could, you know I, give my love

No need to worry about what time it is (worries none)

You'll find myself to be available, so that I could know exactly what it is

Hook

Lay it down (down) on me (down) on me, (down) on me [x4]

Bridge

Lay it down,

You should never ever, let lost love get the best of you, just (lay it down)

One man's loss is this mans gain

Won't you lay down your pain and breath (lay it down)

I-I got what you need

If you ever feel the need to (lay it down)

It's your world if only for one night, it's for you so baby won't you...

Vamp

Come here lady lay it down, let your soul be down,

I-I-I'm gonna give you peace of mind [repeat to fade]

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

2011-11-09T18:51:00.001-05:00

Sooo I completely forgot about the last day of the challenge...ooopsss lol

I don't feel like taking a picture so here's a pic I took on Saturday. I was so bored that I decided to play in my makeup. I'm not too sure of how it came out since I'm not into makeup like that so view with caution lmao

Hmmm good things? Let's see....

I passed a class that I was certain of failing. Which means I won't have to retake it next semester.
I really enjoyed Black Solidarity Day this year. It was my favorite one and it really made me think and reevaluate myself. I need to write down how I was feeling on Monday before I forget about it and go back to being uninspired.
I find something to complain about everyday. But I should be grateful. I'm alive and well. Maybe I'm not where I want to be but at least I have the chance to work towards getting there.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

2011-11-07T08:02:00.007-05:00

Writing.
Listening to music.
Singing.
Talking about things that I care about.
Reading.
Learning.

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

2011-11-06T08:02:00.003-05:00

I am soooo in love with Love & Basketball and have been for the past 11 years. Just mentioning the film makes me smile uncontrollably. I'm pretty sure I can recite the film from beginning to end from all the times that I've seen it. And I am not at all ashamed of my unhealthy obsession with this film. As a matter of fact, I already wrote about this at length. You can find the post here.

Source

Yes, I am grinning from ear to ear right now :D

How can you not love this movie? *heavy sigh*

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

2011-11-05T01:48:00.001-04:00


November 2010

August 2011

My hair grew, I gained weight. Yeah, that's it...

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you've been to.

2011-11-04T20:01:00.009-04:00

The farthest place I've traveled to was Hollywood, Florida in 2008 for my cousin's wedding.

Chilling by the pool


After the reception

Day 25 – What's in your purse?

2011-11-03T20:00:00.009-04:00

I don't really carry a purse...my school bag serves the purpose for everything. But anyway...

a water bottle - ALWAYS! I'm too cheap to buy drinks most of the time plus it is very convenient to have water on you at all times. I get thirsty with the quickness so this is necessary. Plus I've been trying to drink more water lately and always having water within arms reach is very helpful.
my notebook, folders, planner and pens
my phone charger
my Zen, headphones and its charger
lipgloss
lotion
Excedrin - this is so necessary for me. I'm prone to getting headaches, allllll the time smh
napkins....tons of napkins. You never know lol

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

2011-11-02T20:00:00.059-04:00

This is a spread of the Fahari Magazine over the years. This picture was taken at the alumni dinner that we had in Spring 2009. I've been a part of Fahari-Libertad since I stepped foot on campus in Fall 2008 and Editor in Chief since Spring 2010. I love this magazine. We have a rich history on this campus and soon we will be turning 40 :)

Here's a brief description of what we're all about:

FA-HA-RI: (noun) Dignity, respect, a good reputation, derived from the language of KiSwahili

LI-BER-TAD: (noun) Spanish for "Freedom"

THE FAHARI-LIBERTAD is committed to printing the political, social, and economic views and concerns regarding people of color at SUNY New Paltz. It is published in the spirit of cultural unity as well as bringing about the spiritual unification of all people. The main goal of THE FAHARI-LIBERTAD is to enrich and educate all people with knowledge and enlightenment. We accept with open arms anyone who is truly committed to these goals to work with us.

MISSION STATEMENT:
To seek knowledge, truth and unity with pride.

Here's where you can reach us: Facebook, Twitter, Blogger & Issuu (online PDF). You can also shoot us an email at faharilibertad@gmail.com

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.

2011-11-01T20:00:00.039-04:00

Whoa, 15 though? *sigh* here we go...

Random facts, no explanations.

I don't have a middle name.
I haven't had a relaxer in 3 years :D
I'm 5ft9 (which I love :)
I used to want to be an artist, then a veterinarian, then a psychologist, then a professor, then a social worker and now, I just don't know anymore...
I HATE shopping!!! With a burning passion!
I've secretly always wanted to be a dancer. Sometimes I wish I woulda got into it when I was little, now I feel its too late. Plus I'm a huge punk lmao
Without music, I just might die. Well, not literally, but you get the point lol
I love to write, mostly about me or things related to me lmao
I've been single for 4 years come January. Damn.
I have an older sister and sometimes I don't think she realizes just how much I look up to her. Maybe I'm too dependent on her at times, but I really couldn't imagine my life without her.
My father died of lung cancer when I was 14. Funny how this ends up on a list of facts about me. The truth is, a very big part of me is wrapped up in him and my loss.
I was born and raised in Brooklyn, N.Y.
I don't have a favorite color. I do love purple a lot though lmao
I like to sing, privately lol
I detest the color yellow.

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently. A letter to someone who broke your heart.

2011-10-31T19:59:00.003-04:00

No one has hurt me recently. Sooo, yeahhh.....

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

2011-10-30T19:59:00.013-04:00

I made this poster last year but never printed it out and put it up. Oh well.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.

2011-10-29T02:37:00.015-04:00

I wanted to create a space where I could rant and talk about my life. I don't do many interesting things so this blog was created mainly for me. I decided to name it "Just Me" because that's exactly what it is - just me, Shatera, trying to make sense out of my life. It may sound corny but I'm a simple person so it works for me.

Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

2011-10-28T00:05:00.002-04:00

Yeah that's me as a baby, with the same pensive face I make now.

Sometimes I wonder if I was ever happy...

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.

2011-10-27T00:24:00.000-04:00

Closeness.

Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

2011-10-26T01:01:00.016-04:00

This picture is two years old. Both my sister and mother have since gone natural but we haven't taken any pictures together yet. So this one will have to do...

Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.

2011-10-25T01:01:00.036-04:00

I don't think a day goes by that I don't profess my love for chocolate men. Chocolate skin is just so damn sexy to me and sometimes I catch myself staring at chocolate people. It is a known fact that chocolate makes me weak, especially dark chocolate *shudders*

I've mentioned the actor Lance Gross and all his chocolaty goodness before, so this is nothing new :)

Source

Mmmmm, yeahhh. Just how I like it. Oh the things I'd do to him...

*wipes drool off chin*

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

2011-10-24T12:02:00.001-04:00

My phone charger. Unfortunately, my phone has the tendency to just randomly die, so I always have to be prepared.

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

2011-10-23T02:31:00.000-04:00

I don't watch TV now that I'm at school.

But over the summer I was addicted to True Blood, as usual lol.

Sooo, let's take out some time to drool over Alcide Herveaux, a sexy ass werewolf.

Source

Mmmm, yum :)

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

2011-10-22T19:36:00.002-04:00

I don't have a favorite artist right now so I'll just go with my default: Raheem DeVaughn.

I love his music. I love what he stands for. I love his energy. I love his live performances. I love that he loves his fans. If you know me, you know this already, so I'll end it there.


Me & Raheem after his show at BBKings on 11/29/10

Here's one of my favorite songs by him, "Lovaholic" from Urban Ave 31's second independent album The Antidote - The Healing Pt2. I think it came out around 2003. Yeah, I took it back :)

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.

2011-10-21T03:05:00.000-04:00

I live in Bed-Stuy Brooklyn, directly across the street from Bushwick and down the block from Williamsburg lmao

Source

This is the Manhattan bound J or M train with Woodhull Hospital in the background. This picture was taken right down the block from my house.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?

2011-10-20T14:22:00.002-04:00

I don't wear makeup often and when I do it is very basic. Mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss. That's it. As a matter of fact, I don't even own a makeup bag lmaoo.

Here's a picture of the first time I got "made up."

Pretty simple.

Me and my sis :)

Scribbles...

2011-10-19T10:04:00.000-04:00

I randomly found this scribbled on a paper in one of my folders...

I miss having someone to kiss.
Someone to hold.
Someone just to be there.
Someone to make me feel like I'm not alone in the world.
Someone to share my life with.
I'm tired of saying this.
So what am I to do?

S.S.D.D.

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

2011-10-19T09:58:00.000-04:00

I don't have a favorite restaurant. I don't go out to eat much. When I do it's usually to some chain restaurant or a diner. Good food and good company is all I require :)

Here's a pic of me and my sister at a diner last August.

Damn, I'm starting to miss having my hair out looking at these old pics lol.

Hold On

2011-10-19T09:57:00.000-04:00

Xscape - "Hold On" from Traces of My Lipstick 1998

I love this song. Its just so soothing and tender. It has a sweetness to it.
Close your eyes and just listen. Do you feel that?
Mmmm I do :)

That's What I Need

2011-10-18T14:18:00.001-04:00

SWV "That's What I Need" from It's About Time 1992

(Verse 1)
I need someone who I can share all my dreams with
That's what I need
Someone special, who will love me just for me
That's what I need
I need someone to hold me tight
To give good loving all night
So many times I've opened up my heart
Only to have someone tear it apart
That's why I need...

(Chorus)
Someone to treat me right, make love all through the night
That's what I need
I've been hurt before
Real love I'm looking for
That's what I need

(Verse 2)
I need someone who will never leave me lonely
That's what I need
Someone faithful, who'll love me as their one and only
That's what I need.
I need someone to share my ups and downs
And even through the bad times, will always be around
So many times I've opened up my heart,
Only to have someone tear it apart. I need...

(Chorus)

I love this song. It speaks directly to me. Plus, I miss 90's music. It's About Time is still one of my favorite albums ♥

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

2011-10-18T14:16:00.000-04:00

I haven't bought anything in a while but by the end of the week I will finally get paid. Yes, my first paycheck of the semester smh. Anyway, I plan on buying a few things, one of them being these boots:

Source

The Best of Me

2011-10-18T13:41:00.004-04:00

Mýa - "The Best of Me" from Fear of Flying 2000

I've always loved this song. Sometimes I catch myself listening to it on repeat, over and over and over. It was always just a song, now its a bit more. Especially Verse 2...

So busy trying to play with my head

Telling me how he could blow my mind

Something about the things that he said

Made me want to take it there one time

I should be walking away

Cause his hands up on my thigh

Should I leave, should I stay?

After all it’s just one night

I'm so curious but I can't let that get the best of me. Regardless of my situation, I can't let my loneliness rule me. I would be a fool to let you occupy my space. Even if temporarily - it won't be worth it and I'd be wasting my time. No matter how good it might feel at that moment. That wont be enough. I just know it.

I guess I'll just always wonder...

Sometimes I Cry

2011-10-17T19:59:00.004-04:00

Eric Benét - "Sometimes I Cry" from Lost in Time 2010

I played this song at least 6 times in a row today. Eric Benet just does something to me and this song has made me cry numerous times in the past. The amount of emotion he injects into the song plus the fact that its a live recording just makes me an emotional mess when I listen to it. (Anddd he got the nerve to be crying all throughout the video. The nerve of him! lmao).

I felt inspired...

sometimes I cry

not because you're gone

but because I am

where have I been?

what have I become?

a shell

lonely, unable to connect with others

no, I don't blame you

I blame me

for not seeing sooner

its ok to love

its ok to smile

its ok to be happy

its ok to let people in

too bad I just don't know how...

I've cut myself off from the world. Its been so long since I've been with someone, I'm not even sure if I would know what to do with myself if someone showed interest. I complain about not having intimacy but the truth is the thought of it scares me. I haven't had to be close to anyone like that in almost 4 years. That's a long time to be alone. That's a long time to feel isolated and forgotten.

Escaping Won't Help

2011-10-17T17:35:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I just want to escape. I just want to run away and abandon everything. But where would I go? What would I do? Running away isn't a feasible solution to my problems. It won't solve anything. But sometimes I wish I was just somewhere else, living my life the way I wish it was now. Of course I could change my life into what I would like it to be but I guess escaping just sounds easier.

Most of the time when I feel like escaping, I turn to music. I just ran an errand which would take all of 10 minutes out of my life. I took an extra 15 minutes to walk slow, listen to my music and reflect on life. Sometimes I scare myself when I go places that I don't ever allow myself to go. I need to do it more often. My life would be so different, if only I would let it.

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.

2011-10-17T16:43:00.000-04:00

My mood has been up and down all day. One moment I'm smiling and laughing, the next I feel like crying. I've been this way for the past month and I really don't know what's going on. My emotions have been all over the place and most of the time I feel like this...

Ledisi - "Lost and Found" from Lost and Found 2007

I've posted this video before with the lyrics and how I felt they matched my life exactly.

They still do.

As I was doing my daily blog reading, I came across this picture.

Source

What a coincidence...

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

2011-10-16T15:17:00.002-04:00

Source

I'm not big on huge, flashy weddings. When I was young I didn't sit around daydreaming about what my wedding was gonna be like. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I basically want to have a family gathering. I'm more interested in the reception than the wedding. I just want a bunch of food and both of our families laughing and dancing and coming together to celebrate our union. As far as my dress, cake and the color scheme and all that shit - I can care less at this point. When the time comes I'll worry about it. As long as I'm surrounded by love, I think I'll be just fine with whatever my wedding looks like.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

2011-10-15T19:01:00.000-04:00

Ummm, about 18 of these little creatures.

Source

Yup, ferrets.

Only five people are gonna get this reference and I'm not gonna explain :p

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

2011-10-14T02:44:00.000-04:00

I was hoping on finding a picture from October 2009 but I couldn't find a picture from exactly 2 years ago so here's two from around that time.

September 2009

November 2009

I kinda miss having shorter hair...

I Think Of You and Smile

2011-10-13T20:15:00.000-04:00

I look into your eyes,

hoping they will say something different.

I stare at your lips,

wishing they will tell me what I want to hear.

Time stands still.

I wait patiently.

Nothing.

I’m alone.

I stare into the sky asking for a sign.

Reassurance.

Peace.

But I don’t find it.

The stars lie to me.

I’m amazed at their wonder.

Mystery.

Depth.

The constellations tell me stories.

Of past loves.

And future encounters.

Waiting for me.

I think of you and smile.

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

2011-10-13T14:58:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of my sister Shante holding me when I was a newborn. I love this picture because it makes me think about the progression of our relationship over the years. I say this all the time, she's my favorite person and I couldn't imagine my life without her. Ok, I'm done with all the mushiness lmaoo

Sweet Lady

2011-10-13T13:22:00.001-04:00

Tyrese - "Sweet Lady" from Tyrese 1998

I don’t think I could EVER get tired of this song. It just mmmmmm, feels so damn good...does something to me every time :)

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

2011-10-12T11:03:00.000-04:00

I'm a pretty simple person so I don't need much to impress me. I don't need to go to some fancy restaurant or anything like that. I would be cool with taking a walk, getting something to eat and ending the night talking and vibing out to some good music. Maybe watching a movie. Yeah, that's it. I don't require much.

It's Ok :)

2011-10-11T23:29:00.000-04:00

I spent a good chunk of my day alone. I just didn't feel like interacting with people. While sitting alone in a public area I did some reading and the work that went with it. I was listening to some of my favorite music and the sun shined on my face. I smiled ridiculously hard. I didn't care who saw. A couple of hours later I was walking through campus trying to find something to eat and a song I love came on. I had the urge to kick off my shoes, take of my clothes, lift up my hands and dance in the sunlight. But of course I didn't. Its not all that socially acceptable to just be dancing outside in your underwear. But what I found interesting was that while I was feeling so good and resisting the urge to dance, I noticed something about myself. Most of the time I try to mask how I'm feeling and I don't like to publicly show my happy moments. Even if its simply smiling and clapping when I'm enjoying myself at a show. There's something wrong with that.

I randomly came across this quote today when I was searching for something totally irrelevant to it lol.

Source

I do way more complaining than appreciating. I have plenty of beautiful things in my life yet I can't see past my problems long enough to recognize them. Just the other day I felt like I had no joy; I was walking around like a zombie, detached from the world. I do have joy. I just needed to recognize that its within me. And there's nothing wrong with me showing it. It's actually a great feeling :)

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

2011-10-11T21:39:00.000-04:00

Sooo I have no picture, ooopssss lol. I didn't read what the challenge was until just now and I've already had breakfast, lunch and dinner. So here's a picture of a big ass cookie that I have no business eating. Lol

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was

2011-10-10T23:07:00.001-04:00

Today was kinda interesting. There was no classes so I ended up wasting a bunch of time. I woke up, went to Stop & Shop and McDonald's then spent a few hours in a computer lab doing a bunch of nothing. Then I went out for wing night at McGillicuddy's and ended up back in a computer lab afterward lol. I'm pretty sure the rest of the night will be a combination of work and procrastination.

I took this pic while I was getting dressed this afternoon.

Yes randomness lol

30 Day Challenge Part II

2011-10-10T22:52:00.000-04:00

I just came across another 30 Day Challenge and since I haven't been blogging all that much lately, I figured ehh, what the hell?

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.

Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date.

Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend.

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.

Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.

Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.

Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?

Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.

Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.

Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.

Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.

Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.

Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently. A letter to someone who broke my heart.

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.

Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.

Day 25 – What’s in your purse?

Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.

Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?

Day 28 – Your favorite movie.

Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days.

Cop Out Pt. II

2011-10-05T18:42:00.000-04:00

I don't feel attractive. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel like I'm at a place where I could comfortably be with someone else. Yeah you can argue that having somebody might boost my self esteem but I see plenty of faults in that argument. If I don't want me, no one will want me. If I'm miserable I'll attract someone that senses that and wants to take advantage of me. That whole TV/movie scenario where a guy comes out of nowhere and is interested in the poor lonely girl that hasn't come out of her shell yet just isn't real to me. As much as I'd like that to be true, it just isn't.

I'm also not interested in being with anyone because lately I have been miserable. How can I bring joy to your life if I don't have any of my own? Also I just don't feel good about myself right now. I don't feel like I'm attractive and if I don't already think I'm the shit how can I expect someone else to? If I ever mention my weight or unhealthy I am, the response I always get is to do something about it. I hate that response. I mean duuuhhh, of course I have to do something about it...that's why I'm talking about it. But telling me "oh just go to the gym" or "just don't eat that" doesn't work, isn't motivating and is just a waste of breath. I have to actually be about it. And that's something I know that I need to do on my own, without discussing it with people that have absolutely no understanding of what I'm going through. But I guess that's my fault for bringing it up. Anyway, back to what I was saying...

I don't have my shit together and I'm not saying that I ever fully will. I just don't feel comfortable pursuing someone when I don't feel happy in my own skin. Yeah, having someone might change my perspective and make me feel better about life. But I don't wanna risk the chance of fucking up a situation because of my unhappiness. Maybe that makes sense, maybe that was just a ramble...oh well, whatever.

Oh yeah...I forgot about ending on a positive note. Hmmm ok...here's another song that I'm absolutely in love with. Kinda a crush song too, now that I think about it lol
Stars Align - Rochelle Jordan ♥

13 Stars Align by rochelle jordan rojo

Cop Out

2011-10-04T00:01:00.001-04:00

When it comes to the opposite sex, most of the time I am completely lost. I haven't had to interact with a dude in a very long time and sometimes I feel as though I don't even know what to do or say in certain situations. When it comes to liking people, I am the absolute worst at it. I don't allow myself to crush on people and when I do, I don't ever tell that person how I feel. Part of it is out of fear of rejection while the other part is that most of the time, I don't want to become a part of that person's life. I don't see how I could fit and I don't try to. Now I know this sounds like the most punk-like behavior but what is wrong with liking someone from afar?

Recently I have discovered that I kinda sorta like someone, maybe just a little bit....only on Tuesdays. My friends say that I am a pussy for not approaching him and saying something. But if I don't get a clear sign that someone likes me, I don't do anything with the situation. My friends are like but won't you have the "what ifs" in the back of your mind if you never say anything? And my answer is yes. Of course I will. I have a million what ifs from "what if I woulda ordered a turkey sandwich instead of salami" or "what if I had wore my red shirt instead of purple." I have the most trivial what ifs ever and if I add "what if I woulda told him" to it, it wont make much of a difference. I over-think every damn thing and this would be just one more thing added to my list. Maybe this is me just being a pussy or extra cautious. Who knows. But if the opportunity does not present itself, I wont try to create one. That's just how I operate. I am not a go getter, its just not in my nature. I know this sounds like a cop out but, shit, maybe it just is.

I've been playing 'Fallin' by Rochelle Jordan nonstop lately. I'm completely in love with this song and it is a perfect crush song ♥

04 Fallin by rochelle jordan rojo

Crochet Braids Pt. III

2011-10-03T21:36:00.001-04:00

Over the weekend me and my sister put in my third set of crochet braids. I decided to use a looser curl pattern this time and it is quite different from what I'm used to. I used Freetress Gogo Curl in colors #1B/30 and #2. After putting it in, I wasn't all that happy with it. The color is a bit too dark for me and after this I will not be buying #1B anything lol. I do like the highlights and how you can see splashes of #2 that lighten the hair up a bit. Initially, I was not feeling the shape and cut but after my sister cut it I liked it much better. Also, its already a little bit fuzzy and its only 2 days old. I don't really mind the fuzz but I can tell that I won't be keeping this in for more than 3 weeks. I like the big curly hair and the looser curls are cute, it just has to grow on me a bit. I'll have updates later :)

Pt.1 Pt.2

Lay Down

2011-09-27T21:16:00.001-04:00

8.5.11

This is a touchy topic. I was unsure if I wanted to bring it up. But it's been on my mind so much lately, I just can't let it go.

I've forgotten what it feels like...
to have your lips pressed up against mine
to have a warm body next to me
to care about someone as more than a friend
to be wanted, desired
to feel needed
to feel special in your eyes
to have that flutter in my stomach when you walk into the room
to daydream about you to pass the time
to crave your touch

Floetry - "Lay Down" from Flo'Ology 2005

Take Me Away

2011-09-26T13:42:00.001-04:00

I think I might be Gabrielle...

John Legend - "Take Me Away" from Evolver 2010

Most of the time I just want to escape my life and have someone come rescue me. Its completely a fantasy that I know won't ever come true. Actually...I don't think I would want it to. I don't want to be rescued like the stereotypical damsel in distress. I want to be able to escape on my own. I just need to figure out how...

I Need You

2011-09-19T15:49:00.001-04:00

I want to sing. I've always wanted to, I just have been too damn scared. I always figured that I didn't sound good enough or I wouldn't be any good. So I never pursued it. But honestly, music makes me feel so damn good. If I could sing all day, every day I would. I've allowed my fears to control me and stop me from enjoying something that I love so much. I figured I could just keep it to myself and that it would be pointless to share it. I didn't think anyone would even want to hear me. The thing is, its not about them. Its about me. If I love to sing and I sound like shit, why does that matter to anyone but me? I should be able to share what I know deep in my heart is a part of me, simply because I want to. No I don't have the greatest voice but I never actually tried to work on it. Honestly, I don't even know what my voice sounds like because I'm always singing along with what I hear, mimicking that particular artist. Growing up I always sang along with my sister and I stayed in the background because I liked it there. When I was in a choir I would just blend in to what was going on. So I don't quite know what I would sound like all by myself. The thought of me singing alone terrifies me, but maybe that's just what I need to do.

While I don't quite know what all of this means, I do know that music makes me feel like nothing else.

Let's see where this takes me...

Empty II: Visit Me

2011-09-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

I want your skin
Your hands
Your mouth
Your touch
Nothing more, nothing less
Just your body will be enough

Changing Faces "Visit Me" - Visit Me 2000

Empty

2011-09-19T13:23:00.000-04:00

Don't tell me you love me
Don't tell me you need me
I just want your body
Don't ask me out on a date
Don't ask me to chill
I just want your body
Don't tell me your dreams and aspirations
Don't tell me about the future you see for us
I just want your body
And nothing else

Day 30: One thing you're excited for

2011-09-16T00:40:00.004-04:00

Graduation!

Day 29: Five weird things that you like

2011-09-15T00:38:00.025-04:00

I love putting milk into my applesauce. I've been doing it since elementary school and it just stuck.
I like to sing in public bathrooms. I always thought it was weird until someone told me that bathrooms have good acoustics. Guess its not that weird after all. Well, except for the people that hear me lol
Is sleeping naked weird? Cuz I looove sleeping without any clothes on. Naked is the way to be.
I like doing repetitive, mundane things. If you ask me to sit and take out all the staples from a pile of papers I wouldn't mind at all.
I could be in the middle of a conversation and if I hear a word that triggers a song, I will bust out in song lmao. Is that weird? I find it kinda cool lol

What is going on with me???

2011-09-14T13:30:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been an emotional wreck. Crying for no reason, feeling sorry for myself, and just all over the damn place. I'm not really stressed. School is fine, nothing too crazy is going on so wtf? I don't quite know what's going on with me. I just feel like blahh. Like I don't wanna be bothered with dealing with people, or just being on this damn campus. This is how I was feeling over the summer and somehow it has trickled into the semester. Over the summer I kept to myself, didn't communicate with anyone and I barely even left my damn house. I can't act like that on campus. I'm constantly around other people...in class, during my organization's meetings, in my suite...I don't ever really have time to myself. Recently I've been slowing down and taking my time when walking around on campus. Usually I'm in a rush (for no damn reason lol) and recently I've just been slowly floating around. Walking around like I have no purpose. I guess I need some excitement? I need something. Ugh. I'm just tired. For no reason. As usual.

I've already forgotten about my ending on a positive note, how sad smh. I have nothing positive to say so here's one of my favorite songs:

"I Need Your Lovin'" from Irons in the Fire (1980)

Day 28: Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit

2011-09-14T00:07:00.001-04:00

I'd like to visit tonsss of places. So here's some random ass Google images I found of all the places I wanna go :)

Jamaica

Greece

Italy

The Bahamas

Mexico


Source

Source

Egypt

Source

Brazil

Source

Ummm I'm starting to notice a trend lmao
Ok so I'd like to go to places that don't have pretty beaches too...just can't think of any right now lol

Every Thought Is You

2011-09-13T23:42:00.000-04:00

I have been playing this song nonstop for the past 2 days. I think I've become addicted...

"Every Thought Is You" from Ms. Kelly (2007)

No I don't have anybody for this song to be about. I just like the way it makes me feel, I like Kelly's voice, the music...just the energy of the song ♥♥♥

Day 27: A quote you try to live by

2011-09-13T00:07:00.000-04:00

I'm not really a quote person. I relate more to lyrics. This was the very first thing that popped into my head.

You take me to this high
I feel like I can fly
the melodies you send me
the music of my heart
the music of my mind
the music of my soul, the music in me

--Vivian Green - "Music" from A Love Story

Tears

2011-09-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

Over the past week I've cried maybe 10 times. I don't know how normal this is for other people but for me I don't ever cry this much. I'm trying to figure out when the hell did I got so damn emotional. I could just blame it on PMS but this has never happened to me before. I don't know what's going on and I don't like this :/

Day 26: Things you like and dislike about yourself

2011-09-12T14:35:00.034-04:00

I love my smile
I don't like how moody I can be. My mood can switch drastically in a 30 second span of time -__-
I can and will talk about anything. Nothing is too taboo for me. I have a reckless mouth and I use it quite often lmao
I don't know how to let people get close to me. I guess I've been hurt a bit and maybe I have issues with being abandoned. Idk I haven't quite explored this fully...I'll get back to it lol
Sometimes I see things that no one else can see
I can be kinda bitchy and insensitive sometimes :/
I'm very sensual.
I can come off a bit standoffish. The thing is, that's just how I appear. I don't walk around smiling and shit but I am approachable.
I'm a bit psychic sometimes. No, seriously lol
Ummm Idk, I just love me :)

Day 25: Something you're currently worried about

2011-09-11T14:43:00.023-04:00

I have no idea what I want to do once I graduate.

Like at all.

Yeah.

I need to work on this.

Like yesterday.

Day 24: Five words/phrases that make you laugh

2011-09-10T12:43:00.011-04:00

Here's a list of random shit that I will not explain lmao

Infofmation
"That's inappropriate"
Them: "Hey Shatera" Me: "Wait, you know my name? Whoaaaa!" *flails arms above head*
"That's just the way I talk" + "Go head big boned women"
"Get your knuckles out my pussy"

Day 23: Something that you miss

2011-09-09T12:42:00.033-04:00

Closeness.

I don't even know if I remember what it feels like to be close to someone. I've been single for almost four years. Ain't that some shit? Sometimes I just wish I remembered what it felt like to be desired. Most of the time I'm ok but then I have these moments where I feel alone and unloved. I honestly don't feel like getting emotional and mushy so this is where this post ends.

Day 22: Your academics

2011-09-08T12:41:00.007-04:00

My senior year has just began and so far, so good. I enjoy my classes and I haven't had a crazy amount of work to do yet, but we'll see how that changes with time lol. But yeah, I'm feeling good about my academics right now. No complaints :)

Day 21: How you hope your future will be like

2011-09-07T12:41:00.007-04:00

Prosperous.

Fulfilling.

Exciting.

Better than this...

Day 20: Your fears

2011-09-06T12:40:00.023-04:00

One of my biggest fears is that I won't be remembered. A part of me knows that this is pretty much impossible but there's this other part of me that is scared that I won't leave an impact behind once I'm no longer here.
I won't reach my potential. Like I said before, I don't have much of a drive and most of the time I don't apply myself like I know I should. I'm scared that I'll just continue to let life pass me by and I'll never do all the things I know I really want to do but am too scared to admit to myself.
I won't find someone that gets me. I'm quite a bit to handle and sometimes I fear that I wont be able to find a life partner. Pathetic right?

These fears are starting to sound more and more like insecurities...

Hmmm I'll come back to this. Maybe.

Day 19: Five items you lust after

2011-09-05T00:28:00.001-04:00

If money was no object and I could just buy whatever I wanted just for the hell of it, it would be these 5 things:

A laptop. Yes I'm a senior in college and I have yet to purchase a laptop. I've gotten by without it and after waiting all this time I probably shouldn't even bother. But I still would like the luxury of doing work in my room, in my drawers and not be bothered with going to a computer lab or lounge.
A new camera. My household shared a digital camera from early 2008 until a couple of months ago. We loaned it out to someone and when it was returned the battery would no longer charge. So a new camera for my household would be nice. Until then, I'll just use my cell phone's camera lol
A better wardrobe. I would love to revamp my closet and get a shitload of new clothes, shoes, bags and jewelry. Right now my selection of clothes is pretty damn sucky but my lack of funds is getting in the way of me making it better.
A new MP3 player. I've been rocking with my 8 GB Creative Labs Zen since August 08 and I haven't had any problems with it breaking or needing to be replaced. The only issue I have is that it doesn't have nearly enough space. I got a 4 GB memory card for it and it filled up quick as hell. And I don't rotate new music in and out of it often so I'm somewhat stuck with whats on it. I don't mind this, I just would like to be able to add music. I don't want something too fancy, I'd be perfectly happy with one very similar, just with more capacity.
Some new hair products. OMG there are so many I wanna try! I'm not interested in becoming a product junkie or jumping on bandwagons and all that stuff. I just feel like I have yet to explore different products and there's nothing wrong with trying out new things. I bought some Shea Moisture products last summer and since I'm just now about to run out I would like to try something different. I'd like to try some things from Enso Naturals, Darcy's Botanicals, Beija-Flor Naturals and maybe Cantu. I wouldn't go crazy buying a whole bunch of products and using them at the same time. I'd just like to give them a try, I don't see the harm in that.

Day 18: A problem that you have had

2011-09-04T21:01:00.000-04:00

Due to the tropical storm that we had last weekend, I have been completely off track with the 30 Day Challenge. Campus did not have any internet until Tuesday and when we got it back I had absolutely no interest in writing blogs lol. Anywayyy I'm gonna get back on track and continue with today being day 18.

At first I didn't know what to write about seeing as though, like most people, I have plenty of problems lol. But earlier today I had a conversation with my friend about one of my issues so since its fresh on my brain, I'll go with that.

I have a difficult time enjoying myself at parties/clubs if I'm not intoxicated. The thing is, growing up I never danced. Let me reiterate that: I NEVER danced. Not at family functions, not by myself, not with friends. I was extremely shy with dancing. Ok ok, I can't say never because I actually remember that when I was really little, I loved to dance and play around. Aww, the sweet innocence of children before they become self conscious. But as I got older I just couldn't stand the thought of people looking at me while I danced. Unfortunately, now I'm 21 and I still have this problem.

I've gotten much better with dancing in public. I'm not quite as scared as before. While in HS I had a senior masquerade ball and of course prom. I was very sober in both instances and I forced myself to get up and dance. My reasoning was, I paid so damn much I had to get my money's worth. Plus I knew that if I was to look back, I would be pissed at myself for not allowing myself to dance. So I shook my ass, grinded on some people and allowed myself to be comfortable enough to enjoy myself. Was I still self conscious? Hell yeah! But I made myself get over it. The weekend after I graduated me and my friends had a beach party. I was very much so intoxicated and nobody could tell me anything. I was all over the place, enjoying the hell out of myself. That was when I realized I had found a way to escape my insecurities. I found my liquid courage.

Since then I've been to quite a few parties without drinking and semi-enjoyed myself. But let me get my hands on some liquor? I'm gone! I don't care what song is playing, who I'm dancing with, or if I even look good. All I do is feel the music and I'm alright. The difference when I'm sober is that if I don't like the music I won't dance. If I can't feel the music, I just won't wanna dance. So if I'm sober and a song that I absolutely love comes on, best believe I'm gonna shake my ass like there's no tomorrow. But let a song I hate come on, I have the mean grill on, arms folded and everything. I keep a guard up most of the time and when I'm at a party its actually worsened a bit. I know that its dark and no one gives a shit about what I'm doing but I just don't allow myself to let go.

The issue here isn't that I need to be able to enjoy parties. Parties are fun but are not that damn significant to my existence. The issue I have is that I'm using alcohol as a tool to loosen up. I need to learn how to enjoy myself completely sober. I guess I just need to be completely comfortable with me. I'm just not there yet...

Crochet Braids Pt. 2

2011-09-04T18:50:00.001-04:00

I've had my second installment of crochet braids for a little over 2 weeks now and I'm loving them just as much as I did last time. This time I used two packs of Freetress Water Wave Bulk in #2 & #4. Towards the end we ran out of hair. Seeing as though Freetress bulk isn't sold around where I live, we had to scramble to get a similar curl pattern to match. So the front two braids in the middle of my head consist of mostly Glance Soft Water. There are a few slight differences between the two curl patterns, but nothing that is too noticeable.

I'm trying to keep my hair in protective styles for a while for a few reasons. I love the convenience of being able to just shake and go. I also would like to let my hair rest and just leave it alone for a while. Plus, its cute as hell lmaoo. I really love curly hair. Whether it is growing out of my scalp or I got it from a store doesn't really matter to me right now.

Day 17: Something that you're proud of

2011-08-25T17:17:00.003-04:00

I honestly don't know...

Day 16: Something you always think "what if..." about

2011-08-24T17:16:00.000-04:00

I don't really like to think about "what ifs" because I feel like they are pointless. Whatever happened has already happened and no matter how much I think about it, nothing can ever change the past. But occasionally I do wonder how life would be if my father never passed away. It's been almost 7 years since I lost him to lung cancer and sometimes I still can't believe he's gone. I think about him all the time. Wondering how he would feel about certain things, what advice he would give me, and if he would be proud of me. When I start thinking like this I have to catch myself and stop it. All it does is make me sad because there are no answers to these questions. I will never know "what if..." but what I do know is that I will always have my memories and they will never go away.

Here's a pic of me with my father and sister the day of my JHS graduation June 2004, just 6 months before we lost him...

Day 15: Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality

2011-08-23T13:46:00.000-04:00

I am a Pisces and yes I actually do believe that I match up to the characteristics of my Zodiac sign. I'm not a diehard horoscope believer but whenever I read something about Pisces, about 85% of the time I can apply it to myself. Maybe its true, maybe its not. I don't really care either way. Here's some info I found on zodiac-signs-astrology.com that I felt suited me well:

Pisces Strength Keywords:

- Compassionate
- Adaptable
- Accepting
- Devoted
- Imaginative

Pisces Weakness Keywords:

- Oversensitive
- Indecisive
- Self-pitying
- Lazy
- Escapist

Positive Pisces Qualities:

Negative Pisces Qualities:

I can see how I embody most of these characteristics. The only thing I would have to disagree with is ultra popular. I never have been popular and that's something I just don't see for myself. But other than that, I am definitely a Pisces lol.

Day 14: What you wore today

2011-08-22T14:44:00.000-04:00

I was noooo where near cute today lol. I just threw on some jeans, a green shirt and some flip flops to run a few errands. I thought I wasn't all that cute, didn't feel anywhere near sexy yet there was a shitload of men all up in my face. Walking down the street, in the supermarket, in the corner store...I couldn't escape them lol. I was so confused. I mean I'm used to this happening cuz its been this way since I was like 13 but damn...today it was crazy. I'm just gonna assume it was because of my big hair lol

Day 13: Your opinions about your body and how comfortable you are with it

2011-08-20T13:35:00.025-04:00

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like "damn, ain't that one sexy chick" while other times I feel like "ughh what the fuck??" Of course this is normal. No one is completely in love with their body 24/7. We all have our days. But lately I've been having more of the not so great days. I love my body, I love my shape, my curves and my height. What I don't like is my size. I've finally reached a weight that I feel is unacceptable. I never wanted to feel like this. I've been overweight for quite a bit but now I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable. That is not a good look and is definitely not a good feeling. I seriously need to commit to being a healthier me. I just need to stop talking and take action. I can't go on like this.

Day 12: Five guys whom you find attractive

2011-08-19T15:48:00.064-04:00

1. Lance Gross - (When he's NOT playing Calvin Payne of course lol). I watched Our Family Wedding about 4 times and I just wanted to lick him. He's so chocolatey yum :)

2. Common - He's just so sexy to me. I'd love to kiss each and every one of his freckles and his voice is sexy as hell.

3. Eric Benet - I think he came out of the womb sexy! I've been drooling over him for a good long time and I swear he just looks better with age. And his voice? He just oozes sexiness. Too bad he just got married. Now my chances of being with him have decreased from 3% to .5% smh

4. Mehcad Brooks - (Only from the neck down and when he's not talking). Not the greatest actor and not the greatest looking but mmmm look at that body *wipes drool off chin*

5. LL Cool J - I know he's 43 but I don't care. I used to be sooo in love with this man when I was younger. Judge me all you want but Todd is still a sexy ass man. Yeah I called him Todd, we're cool like that lmao

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BONUS
6. Alcide Herveaux from True Blood. Yeah I know his real name is Joe Manganiello but I don't want Joe, I want Alcide's sexy werewolf ass! He's just so big and sexy and the fact that he's so sweet makes him even more attractive. Mmmmmm